Discouraged and Rejection (a letter)


I’m sorry for this morning – and for last night. I’ve been discouraged about everything and instead of bringing it all to You I’ve been trying to ignore it. I know it’s out of my control. I think I do that sometimes because I’m ashamed to admit it (again). I’m ashamed to admit it because I feel I should know better and have the faith that opposes it. I hate getting discouraged over and over and fear disapproval if I can’t seem to get my faith in the right areas.
I know this is foolish in thought. You are my God and my friend. You alone know my heart better than I do.
I am weak, Lord. I want to be someone You take joy in and I always fear disappointing You. I guess I mostly fear that You will get tired of my problems and complaining when they arise and that I will be rejected because of weaknesses. I know these fears stem from my relationship with my dad and every male relationship I have ever had. I know also they stem from others as well but that’s the first that comes to mind.
I’m afraid to show weakness which is why I try to be so strong…

But I am not strong.

I know that You are the only one that gives me strength and I need to depend on You.
I know that I will be healed of all wounds concerning rejection and trust (as well as all others) as long as I allow You to work in me and through me in all areas.

That controls is difficult to give up, Lord.
You get so used to burying it because you don’t want to feel the pain it has caused you, but even then, the symptoms make their way through and effect you in ways you’re not always fully aware of. They end up causing more issues that you cannot place the root of the problem…
I guess just like a tree – roots are always buried.

I’m sorry I haven’t been coming to You more and I know that’s not good stewardship or even a good friendship on my part.
I ask You to forgive me.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that You are unlike anyone I have ever met in my lifetime.
You are loving and kind.
You are patient and gentle.
You are holy and pure.
You are righteous and my Salvation.
You alone are worthy and True.
You wont push me away, even if I try to push You away at times due to my own hurt.

Lord, I long for your embrace and comfort.

I’m tired of feeling so alone and rejected. I’m tired of being the kind of person, deep down, that pushes others away (I know it’s due to fears of rejection and pain).
I want to be loving to others the way You are.
I want to be righteous the way You are.
I want to be giving and full of faith towards all that You give me and do.
I want to have hope and faith that leaps and bounds over anything that arises.
I want to be there when You call me and say, “Here I am”
I want to not be afraid to say “send me.”
I want to stand on a mountain of faith with You.

Lord, I was healed of my fear of abandonment. I pray also to be healed of rejection and the fear of rejection. Please lead and guide my steps. Take my hand when I stumble and lift me back up. Lead me across each step. Let me not fall, O Lord my God and my King.

I know this goes back to rejection in the womb. You’ve pointed that out to me before.
I don’t know how deep it will all go but I pray You will be at my side the entire way.

I have to let You lead in all things in my life – I wouldn’t know where to start anyway.
You know what’s best for me and I give all things to You. I’ll try not to resist when You bring something up or bring something to my attention. Please let me know when it is You – You know how the enemy loves to try to poke those wounds.
I ask for protection from them for myself and Brandon; for my family and his and all those we love that are sent by You.
Guard and prepare our hearts, Lord.

I love you. I don’t want to let You down or disappoint You.
Thank You for loving me beyond my understanding.
Thank You for forgiving me, for Your patience, and understanding.


Writing it out

I’ve felt nudged on and off to start writing again over the last few months. I stopped for awhile after going through a difficult time with some things I learned about my past that I was unaware of. I used to use writing as a way to express and vent my life’s situations and it did always seem to help. 

The Lord has used writing as a means to help on a path of healing for me as well. The more I wrote the more came to mind and the more I felt better getting things off my chest. 

It has not always been easy. The Lord had me write about my feelings of abandonment a few years ago. That was a hard topic to get out along with all the pent up emotions and hurt I’ve felt because of it; but what He showed me will always stick with me. He showed me that despite all the tears and pain I was going through He never left me. I could still feel His presence as my hands flew over the keyboard of my computer in a rage that the topic even had come up. I know there were plenty of ‘how dare you’s in there directed at Him because of bringing up that topic up… But He never left me. Through it I knew, in my heart, that He wouldn’t leave me. Even if I don’t always feel Him there He’s still there.

You always hear it from Christians and He said the same in the Bible; but it’s different truly experiencing that than just hearing it most of your life from people regurgitating the same thing over and over with that glossy look in their eyes that tells you they don’t understand what you’re going through.

With what I learned about my past I struggled greatly with writing. Fear came into play and I know the devil has had a field day with discouraging me from writing anything again.

After a while I didn’t know if the Lord even wanted me to write anymore. I felt for a season to wait. Things around here got busy and I would pray for the time to if that’s what He wanted but it didn’t slow down. I’m sure that was part of the plan. You can’t always spend every moment focusing on one thing because there’s a lot that still needs to be done…everywhere.

After awhile I would end up asking the Lord over and over if He wanted me to write and always felt He did but then I could never find a topic. I never had the words and finally told Him that He’d have to lead on that. This is all for Him anyway, to use as He sees fit (even if it’s somehow through my ramblings).

I realized today that the healing I was going through has slowed down and I know that’s because I haven’t been getting anything out. I’ve been stuck in the daily life routine of getting up, taking care of the rabbits, taking care of the dogs, running errands, laundry, food, sleep, etc etc. Rinse, repeat. 

I didn’t know why things had slowed down so much but I think I see it now. 

With all that being said, I want to encourage anyone who is struggling with their own path. If you feel stuck, stop and take a look at what’s missing. Don’t give up on the things that help even if you have some bumps in the road. Take a season off if you have to but do it for the right reasons. I used to pray for the time for when He wanted me to write and things are just now slowing down. I guess we’ll see how it all goes from here.

Covering up many struggles

When we focus on one struggle are we covering up the real one?

Are we able to see it?

Is it the one causing us so much grief internally, subconsciously, yet we can’t see it?

How often do we focus on the wrong struggle and not realize the underlying root?

It’s easy to do, especially when pain is involved.

It’s easy to not trust the Lord and in our hearts not believe He has good in store for us. It’s easy to believe we are so terrible we must deserve all of our anguish and afflictions.

Of course this is something that every other Christian would look down upon. We’re supposed to know better, aren’t we? We’re supposed to never struggle and our lives are supposed to be so easy, right? Where in the Bible does it say that? Persecution is around every corner, whether from the devil or man. Struggles are real, evident, and we’re told of them throughout the entire Bible, if you really do read it.

I’ve struggled most of my life, though I wasn’t always aware of it until more recently. I’ve been in pain since birth, though I had no understanding. I’ve been wounded and in anguish, though I’ve had no words to explain it. I’ve been bruised my whole life, though it hid subconsciously. It still hides from me though I can feel it deep down, somewhere, without words to express it. This thing or darkness inside that I have had no knowledge of. This overwhelming pain that has plagued me, though I never understood.

Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
And I will be found of you, saith the LORD: and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the LORD; and I will bring you again into the place whence I caused you to be carried away captive.

As Christians (or not) we have all doubted God. We have all gone through times of not trusting in Him. I don’t think there has ever been a human alive that hasn’t questioned their future in the eyes of God or His plan for their life.

Do you believe the scripture above?

Do you REALLY believe it?

Do you believe it in your heart?

I admit I struggle with it. I often look to those verses for encouragement for myself.
When personal pain outweighs the understanding we have of His love toward us the simple solution or answer is that we don’t understand His love. It’s difficult to grasp and everyone has struggled with it. I admit I struggle. I admit I do not understand Christ’s love for me. I admit I do not understand all the things I have gone through, some of which I am not even aware of yet.
Do I have hope that I will someday? I believe at times I do, if I stop and think about it. Or I at least try to.

When you’ve grown up with distrust being your closest friend it overpowers the longing you have for true companionship and real love. Love that only comes from the true Father.
I didn’t understand that until a few years ago.

Pain is real. Anguish is real. Anyone who has truly gone through either or both knows how difficult it can be.

I admit I have asked the Lord so many times to take me home. I can honestly say that’s the main thing I look forward to someday.
Does that make me sound suicidal? I don’t believe it does. Why?
Shouldn’t every Christian have a strong desire to be with the Lord? To want it so badly that they would forsake everyone else they have ever known or met just to be with Him?

I would forsake all just to be with Him for eternity.

But it’s not my time and I realize my desire is selfish.

I admit that one of the only things that keeps me going is that I know there is work to be done for His sake. I love Him enough to admit that I must forsake my desire so I can carry out what He needs me to do here.
Could He get someone else to do it? Yes, but He created me for something specific. He created all of us for something very specific and I care more about carrying out His plan and His goal than I do my own desires.

We are all created for a purpose. I know I love Him enough that I don’t want to disappoint Him. I don’t want to let Him down the way I have been let down. I want to show Him how much I love Him by standing firm in the path He sets before me. And if I can’t stand I will crawl. And if I can’t crawl I will wait for Him to pick me up and carry me through.

As far as pain and anguish, the goal is to let it go. The goal is to trust all of that pain to the Lord. To take it and say, “Lord, I have no idea what to do with this and it hurts so bad. Please take it because I can’t stand it. I can’t take it anymore, Lord.”

When there’s no possibility for any human to relieve your pain then it needs supernatural relief from the Lord.

My pain still haunts me, but it comes from deep wounds I was unaware of until last year. I do not know the extent of my wounds, nor do I know how many there are. But He knows and He’s already got a plan (I admit, it still scares me).

Wounds can be like trees. You can see the struggles that are more evident in branches and leaves, and although you may fight with them they will always come back. They will always regrow until you take out the root system of that tree.

The title of this post is “Covering up many struggles” and that’s what I have been doing. I have been so focused on one particular struggle I have had that I had been ignoring the underlying root. I was fighting a branch when I think the problem stems from deep, deep roots.
I see that now, though I admit I still don’t know where to go from here.

We can’t see the next step until we’re shown.
You can’t be shown until you seek.
You can’t also be shown until you stop and listen.
You can’t listen until you be still.

Seek. Be still and Listen.

On to the next step:
Sometimes, what you may find, is that the next step can be taken for you.
You just have to learn to trust and give it a shot. What is there to lose? It wont make your pain worse (maybe slightly more evident if you’ve been trying to bury it).

What if the pain can be stopped?
What if it can be removed?
What about it being replaced with something so much better?

You don’t have that capability in you. Only Christ does. Let Him work.

Grieve if you must, but let Him take control. You’ve had control long enough.

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. -Psalm 62:5

Shawn’s House (pt5) 04/15/17

Shawn asked me this evening if I was going to head home tomorrow. I took that as confirmation on when to leave. I’m not sure what time I will go but ask You to lead me on that and trust You will.
I pray again that Jessica visiting will be good for them both, especially Shawn. I pray she will be filled with compassion towards Shawn, and love. I pray she will be a help for him and that You will nourish them both.
I thank you for today and I’m sorry for getting overwhelmed and the way I’ve been with my struggles. Thank you for helping me and opening my eyes as well.
I can only ask that You take me by the right hand and continue to lead me – especially against my struggles, and I pray to continue to be shown the spirits around them if it helps me.
I love You, Lord. I pray we will have a good, peaceful nights sleep and rest and that no spirits come upon us inthe night or otherwise.
Please continue to nourish Shawn and be a comfort to him. I care for him very deeply.
I’m sorry I got discouraged today as well.
I love You so much.
You are my God and I thank You so much!
Good morning, Lord.
Thank you for the rest last night. Thank you also for allowing Brandon to visit. I hope we’ve accomplished what we’ve needed to and pray nothing will be left undone.
I don’t feel everything has been accomplished…but I also don’t know what more to do here. I know they have isolated Shawn and are causing him to sleep a lot – of which I pray you use that for your own advantage and break up their plans, O Lord.
You are our help in times of need and we need you now, Lord.
My last night at Shawn’s I had trouble trying to go to sleep. I could feel spirits here and there and bound them from bothering me in the name of Jesus. While laying in bed I felt my upper thigh start to tingle, like goose bumps.
I tried casting out in the name of Jesus whatever demon was causing it but it only went away for a moment. The second time I felt it I saw, in my mind, a grim reaper (maybe two?)
I cast out the spirit of death in the name of Jesus. It left and I was able to go to sleep.

Shawn’s House (pt4) 04/14/17

Prayer to the Lord
I do not know if I have ever experienced this much spiritual filth or this many entities around at one time or in one place before. (I know they are in many places but this was new to me.)
But then, it might only be a few pretending to be many, which I have witnessed before.
I awoke with a fog over my head this morning. It seems as though it comes and goes but I suppose it could be my noticing it that is coming and going.
I was feeling very drained after going through some of the spare bedroom here trying to remove items with spirits attached to them. I’m feeling a bit better not but probably need to eat soon.
I pray, Lord, that You will continue to reveal what these spirits and curses are attached to. I pray we may rid this house of as much as You will allow and that Shawn will hold no emotional, mental, spiritual, or soul tie attachments to these items in the name of Jesus!

Lord, I am worn out and tired. I’m not trying to complain – it is true. Maybe I’m feeling dispair, which if this is just from this wicked spirits then I pray they will leave me. I ask for Your help in keeping them off me, out of me, away from me, and ask for protection against their attacks.
I just placed a charge in the name of Jesus over the demons on the objects I removed from the bedroom (they’re placed on the front steps outside the house currently), and the presence I have been feeling here all day just left me. Thank you!
Lord, I’m not sure if you want me to leave tomorrow. I know you pointed out for me to save myself some toothpaste for tonight when I brushed my teeth last night.
I do have a feeling Jessica will come to visit and I pray it will be fruitful for both of them. Lord, please fill her with compassion for Shawn. And love. I pray she will be a help for him, Lord.
I’m not sure if she will come tomorrow or Sunday but I pray you watch over him and guard and nourish him.
I’m not sure what else I should or can do here, Lord. I hope I’ve helped in some way. I pray you let me know if I should go tomorrow or not.
I thank you so much for the relief.

Late evening
Brandon came to visit for a little while and not long after he left I heard three knocks on the front door. I thought that possibly Brandon had come back and had maybe forgotten something. I went to the front entry way and looked out the window (not opening the door) but there was no car or person there.
I knew it was the demons on the front porch that were attached to the items I removed and placed outside the house in a box for disposal. I knew they wanted back in the house and were hoping to come back in. I had placed a charge over the demons on the front porch earlier in the day that they not move, speak, hear, see, or attack in the name of Jesus.
I did not open the door at all (knowing they were still out there) and did not acknowledge their knocking to them.

At Shawn’s House (pt3) 04/13/17

Been feeling the presence of a spirit for quite some time now. Slightly faint but there.
Prayed over olive oil, asked the Lord to fill it with His Holy Spirit. Felt anxiety from a demon as I picked up and held the bottle. Anointed my forehead and swallowed a spoonful of the oil.
9:32pm – Barely feel the presence in my head anymore (usually I feel their presence in my head when they are near. I feel them in other ways as well but this is the most common way I can tell they are around.)

Shawn just came in looking for something. I could literally feel the demons on him. That’s the second time today that I’ve felt them on him and not just as his house.

Late afternoon-Early evening
I confronted the demon in Shawn’s bedroom and commanded in the name of Jesus it reveal what it was attached to. I heard a faint whisper in my head speak in a drawn out hiss (almost like a snake) and it said, “Shawn”

Things felt at the house:
dizziness and disorientation
fear and anxiety
breathlessness and feeling winded for no reason
spirit of very deep sleep (which refused to leave for a while)
anxious – sickly feeling
sadness, hopelessness, doubt

Note of things to pray against:
Soul ties
Silver cords
Curses, hexes, vexation
Generational curses

Strongmen and Roots

Shawn’s house (pt2) 04/12/17

I decided (now that I have my computer) to go ahead and type up the journal entries I had written while I was at Shawn’s house this last week. These are some of the experiences I had while I was visiting him while he was sick.

Shawn’s Bedroom

After I arrived at Shawn’s house yesterday I went around the house and anointed all of the rooms with the blessed olive oil. I had skipped Shawn’s room as he was sleeping when I arrived that morning.
I could feel the presence of a demonic entity coming from his bedroom on and off throughout the day.
Later, late afternoon to early evening, I went into his room and was filled with a slight demonic anxiety (sometimes felt when something demonic is near instead of the pressure normally felt in my head). I walked farther into the room and stood still. As I stood I kept feeling myself swaying backwards. This happened at least three times. It was noticeable enough I almost went and asked Shawn if his room/floor was slightly tilted.
After the third or fourth time this happened, however, I spoke out loud, “Stop trying to push me in the name of Jesus.”
After this I again stayed still and felt something trying to push me back again but it was being resisted.
I could feel the resistance of it being stopped, or the force preventing it, as it tried to push me.

Shawn’s House
While trying to go to sleep last night I closed my eyes and first saw what looked like tall, elongated African statues. They looked to be carved out of wood, black in color, and also covered in symbols or some sort of writing.
I then kept seeing images of little African children. One such image was of a bunch of them in a large rectangular basket. They were looking up at me as if they were being lowered to somewhere else. [I remember their friendly smiles and grins, as if they were conditioned to what was going on or unphased.]
I tried praying for these children but was not being led to and the images kept changing, though all similar. I cast out, in the name of Jesus, any demons that were in the bed I was to sleep on and the images left me.
The word “slave” keeps coming to mind.

Right as I was trying to sleep last night, after the mental images stopped, I heard one knock or thump come from one of the walls near the bed (same shared walls as Shawn’s bedroom) and immediately after the noise I started feeling anxiety. I felt something along with it but I’m not sure what it was. I cast it out in the name of Jesus and it left immediately.

Be Partakers in the Divine Nature

According as his divine power hath
given unto us all things that
pertain unto life and godliness,
through the knowledge of him that
hath called us to glory and
Whereby are given unto us
exceeding great and precious
promises: that by these ye might
be partakers of the divine nature,
having escaped the corruption that
is in the world through lust.

And beside this, giving all
diligence, add to your faith
virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
And to knowledge temperance; and
to temperance patience; and to
patience godliness;
And to godliness brotherly
kindness; and to brotherly
kindness charity.
For if these things be in you, and
abound, they make you that ye
shall neither be barren nor
unfruitful in the knowledge of our
Lord Jesus Christ.

But he that lacketh these things
is blind, and cannot see afar off,
and hath forgotten that he was
purged from his old sins.

Wherefore the rather, brethren,
give diligence to make your
calling and election sure: for if
ye do these things, ye shall never
For so an entrance shall be
ministered unto you abundantly
into the everlasting kingdom of
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 1:3-11

Shawn’s House

Uncle Shawn asked me to visit recently as he has not been feeling well.
There’s been a lot of spiritual warfare going on over here and it feels more like a spiritual infestation.

Without going into too much right now I’ve felt led to share some of my experiences so far.

Below I am posting a photo of some of my notes of my experience while I’ve been here.
(Forgive my scribbly handwriting, any miss spellings, and the crappy lighting/editing. I only have my phone currently.) 

Turn ye not aside

And Samuel said unto the people,
Fear not: ye have done all this
wickedness: yet turn not aside
from following the LORD, but serve
the LORD with all your heart;

And turn ye not aside: for then
should ye go after vain things,
which cannot profit nor deliver;
for they are vain.

For the LORD will not forsake his
people for his great name’s sake:
because it hath pleased the LORD
to make you his people.

1 Samuel 12:20-22