Discouraged and Rejection (a letter)

05/09/2017
10:25am

Lord,
I’m sorry for this morning – and for last night. I’ve been discouraged about everything and instead of bringing it all to You I’ve been trying to ignore it. I know it’s out of my control. I think I do that sometimes because I’m ashamed to admit it (again). I’m ashamed to admit it because I feel I should know better and have the faith that opposes it. I hate getting discouraged over and over and fear disapproval if I can’t seem to get my faith in the right areas.
I know this is foolish in thought. You are my God and my friend. You alone know my heart better than I do.
I am weak, Lord. I want to be someone You take joy in and I always fear disappointing You. I guess I mostly fear that You will get tired of my problems and complaining when they arise and that I will be rejected because of weaknesses. I know these fears stem from my relationship with my dad and every male relationship I have ever had. I know also they stem from others as well but that’s the first that comes to mind.
I’m afraid to show weakness which is why I try to be so strong…

But I am not strong.

I know that You are the only one that gives me strength and I need to depend on You.
I know that I will be healed of all wounds concerning rejection and trust (as well as all others) as long as I allow You to work in me and through me in all areas.

That controls is difficult to give up, Lord.
You get so used to burying it because you don’t want to feel the pain it has caused you, but even then, the symptoms make their way through and effect you in ways you’re not always fully aware of. They end up causing more issues that you cannot place the root of the problem…
I guess just like a tree – roots are always buried.

I’m sorry I haven’t been coming to You more and I know that’s not good stewardship or even a good friendship on my part.
I ask You to forgive me.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that You are unlike anyone I have ever met in my lifetime.
You are loving and kind.
You are patient and gentle.
You are holy and pure.
You are righteous and my Salvation.
You alone are worthy and True.
You wont push me away, even if I try to push You away at times due to my own hurt.

Lord, I long for your embrace and comfort.

I’m tired of feeling so alone and rejected. I’m tired of being the kind of person, deep down, that pushes others away (I know it’s due to fears of rejection and pain).
I want to be loving to others the way You are.
I want to be righteous the way You are.
I want to be giving and full of faith towards all that You give me and do.
I want to have hope and faith that leaps and bounds over anything that arises.
I want to be there when You call me and say, “Here I am”
I want to not be afraid to say “send me.”
I want to stand on a mountain of faith with You.

Lord, I was healed of my fear of abandonment. I pray also to be healed of rejection and the fear of rejection. Please lead and guide my steps. Take my hand when I stumble and lift me back up. Lead me across each step. Let me not fall, O Lord my God and my King.

I know this goes back to rejection in the womb. You’ve pointed that out to me before.
I don’t know how deep it will all go but I pray You will be at my side the entire way.

I have to let You lead in all things in my life – I wouldn’t know where to start anyway.
You know what’s best for me and I give all things to You. I’ll try not to resist when You bring something up or bring something to my attention. Please let me know when it is You – You know how the enemy loves to try to poke those wounds.
I ask for protection from them for myself and Brandon; for my family and his and all those we love that are sent by You.
Guard and prepare our hearts, Lord.

I love you. I don’t want to let You down or disappoint You.
Thank You for loving me beyond my understanding.
Thank You for forgiving me, for Your patience, and understanding.

Lindsey

Advertisements

Writing it out

I’ve felt nudged on and off to start writing again over the last few months. I stopped for awhile after going through a difficult time with some things I learned about my past that I was unaware of. I used to use writing as a way to express and vent my life’s situations and it did always seem to help. 

The Lord has used writing as a means to help on a path of healing for me as well. The more I wrote the more came to mind and the more I felt better getting things off my chest. 

It has not always been easy. The Lord had me write about my feelings of abandonment a few years ago. That was a hard topic to get out along with all the pent up emotions and hurt I’ve felt because of it; but what He showed me will always stick with me. He showed me that despite all the tears and pain I was going through He never left me. I could still feel His presence as my hands flew over the keyboard of my computer in a rage that the topic even had come up. I know there were plenty of ‘how dare you’s in there directed at Him because of bringing up that topic up… But He never left me. Through it I knew, in my heart, that He wouldn’t leave me. Even if I don’t always feel Him there He’s still there.

You always hear it from Christians and He said the same in the Bible; but it’s different truly experiencing that than just hearing it most of your life from people regurgitating the same thing over and over with that glossy look in their eyes that tells you they don’t understand what you’re going through.

With what I learned about my past I struggled greatly with writing. Fear came into play and I know the devil has had a field day with discouraging me from writing anything again.

After a while I didn’t know if the Lord even wanted me to write anymore. I felt for a season to wait. Things around here got busy and I would pray for the time to if that’s what He wanted but it didn’t slow down. I’m sure that was part of the plan. You can’t always spend every moment focusing on one thing because there’s a lot that still needs to be done…everywhere.

After awhile I would end up asking the Lord over and over if He wanted me to write and always felt He did but then I could never find a topic. I never had the words and finally told Him that He’d have to lead on that. This is all for Him anyway, to use as He sees fit (even if it’s somehow through my ramblings).

I realized today that the healing I was going through has slowed down and I know that’s because I haven’t been getting anything out. I’ve been stuck in the daily life routine of getting up, taking care of the rabbits, taking care of the dogs, running errands, laundry, food, sleep, etc etc. Rinse, repeat. 

I didn’t know why things had slowed down so much but I think I see it now. 

With all that being said, I want to encourage anyone who is struggling with their own path. If you feel stuck, stop and take a look at what’s missing. Don’t give up on the things that help even if you have some bumps in the road. Take a season off if you have to but do it for the right reasons. I used to pray for the time for when He wanted me to write and things are just now slowing down. I guess we’ll see how it all goes from here.

Covering up many struggles

When we focus on one struggle are we covering up the real one?

Are we able to see it?

Is it the one causing us so much grief internally, subconsciously, yet we can’t see it?

How often do we focus on the wrong struggle and not realize the underlying root?

It’s easy to do, especially when pain is involved.

It’s easy to not trust the Lord and in our hearts not believe He has good in store for us. It’s easy to believe we are so terrible we must deserve all of our anguish and afflictions.

Of course this is something that every other Christian would look down upon. We’re supposed to know better, aren’t we? We’re supposed to never struggle and our lives are supposed to be so easy, right? Where in the Bible does it say that? Persecution is around every corner, whether from the devil or man. Struggles are real, evident, and we’re told of them throughout the entire Bible, if you really do read it.

I’ve struggled most of my life, though I wasn’t always aware of it until more recently. I’ve been in pain since birth, though I had no understanding. I’ve been wounded and in anguish, though I’ve had no words to explain it. I’ve been bruised my whole life, though it hid subconsciously. It still hides from me though I can feel it deep down, somewhere, without words to express it. This thing or darkness inside that I have had no knowledge of. This overwhelming pain that has plagued me, though I never understood.

Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
And I will be found of you, saith the LORD: and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the LORD; and I will bring you again into the place whence I caused you to be carried away captive.

As Christians (or not) we have all doubted God. We have all gone through times of not trusting in Him. I don’t think there has ever been a human alive that hasn’t questioned their future in the eyes of God or His plan for their life.

Do you believe the scripture above?

Do you REALLY believe it?

Do you believe it in your heart?

I admit I struggle with it. I often look to those verses for encouragement for myself.
When personal pain outweighs the understanding we have of His love toward us the simple solution or answer is that we don’t understand His love. It’s difficult to grasp and everyone has struggled with it. I admit I struggle. I admit I do not understand Christ’s love for me. I admit I do not understand all the things I have gone through, some of which I am not even aware of yet.
Do I have hope that I will someday? I believe at times I do, if I stop and think about it. Or I at least try to.

When you’ve grown up with distrust being your closest friend it overpowers the longing you have for true companionship and real love. Love that only comes from the true Father.
I didn’t understand that until a few years ago.

Pain is real. Anguish is real. Anyone who has truly gone through either or both knows how difficult it can be.

I admit I have asked the Lord so many times to take me home. I can honestly say that’s the main thing I look forward to someday.
Does that make me sound suicidal? I don’t believe it does. Why?
Shouldn’t every Christian have a strong desire to be with the Lord? To want it so badly that they would forsake everyone else they have ever known or met just to be with Him?

I would forsake all just to be with Him for eternity.

But it’s not my time and I realize my desire is selfish.

I admit that one of the only things that keeps me going is that I know there is work to be done for His sake. I love Him enough to admit that I must forsake my desire so I can carry out what He needs me to do here.
Could He get someone else to do it? Yes, but He created me for something specific. He created all of us for something very specific and I care more about carrying out His plan and His goal than I do my own desires.

We are all created for a purpose. I know I love Him enough that I don’t want to disappoint Him. I don’t want to let Him down the way I have been let down. I want to show Him how much I love Him by standing firm in the path He sets before me. And if I can’t stand I will crawl. And if I can’t crawl I will wait for Him to pick me up and carry me through.

As far as pain and anguish, the goal is to let it go. The goal is to trust all of that pain to the Lord. To take it and say, “Lord, I have no idea what to do with this and it hurts so bad. Please take it because I can’t stand it. I can’t take it anymore, Lord.”

When there’s no possibility for any human to relieve your pain then it needs supernatural relief from the Lord.

My pain still haunts me, but it comes from deep wounds I was unaware of until last year. I do not know the extent of my wounds, nor do I know how many there are. But He knows and He’s already got a plan (I admit, it still scares me).

Wounds can be like trees. You can see the struggles that are more evident in branches and leaves, and although you may fight with them they will always come back. They will always regrow until you take out the root system of that tree.

The title of this post is “Covering up many struggles” and that’s what I have been doing. I have been so focused on one particular struggle I have had that I had been ignoring the underlying root. I was fighting a branch when I think the problem stems from deep, deep roots.
I see that now, though I admit I still don’t know where to go from here.

We can’t see the next step until we’re shown.
You can’t be shown until you seek.
You can’t also be shown until you stop and listen.
You can’t listen until you be still.

Seek. Be still and Listen.

On to the next step:
Sometimes, what you may find, is that the next step can be taken for you.
You just have to learn to trust and give it a shot. What is there to lose? It wont make your pain worse (maybe slightly more evident if you’ve been trying to bury it).

What if the pain can be stopped?
What if it can be removed?
What about it being replaced with something so much better?

You don’t have that capability in you. Only Christ does. Let Him work.

Grieve if you must, but let Him take control. You’ve had control long enough.

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. -Psalm 62:5

Be Partakers in the Divine Nature

According as his divine power hath
given unto us all things that
pertain unto life and godliness,
through the knowledge of him that
hath called us to glory and
virtue:
Whereby are given unto us
exceeding great and precious
promises: that by these ye might
be partakers of the divine nature,
having escaped the corruption that
is in the world through lust.

And beside this, giving all
diligence, add to your faith
virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
And to knowledge temperance; and
to temperance patience; and to
patience godliness;
And to godliness brotherly
kindness; and to brotherly
kindness charity.
For if these things be in you, and
abound, they make you that ye
shall neither be barren nor
unfruitful in the knowledge of our
Lord Jesus Christ.

But he that lacketh these things
is blind, and cannot see afar off,
and hath forgotten that he was
purged from his old sins.

Wherefore the rather, brethren,
give diligence to make your
calling and election sure: for if
ye do these things, ye shall never
fall:
For so an entrance shall be
ministered unto you abundantly
into the everlasting kingdom of
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 1:3-11

Turn ye not aside

And Samuel said unto the people,
Fear not: ye have done all this
wickedness: yet turn not aside
from following the LORD, but serve
the LORD with all your heart;


And turn ye not aside: for then
should ye go after vain things,
which cannot profit nor deliver;
for they are vain.


For the LORD will not forsake his
people for his great name’s sake:
because it hath pleased the LORD
to make you his people.

1 Samuel 12:20-22

Discernment of spirits

One of the harder things to deal with concerning this gift is not always what you may imagine. I’m not sure what most people think of when they think of this gift, either when reading about it in the Bible or if anyone ever speaks about it in any sort of bible study (not sure if anyone ever discusses it even then).

Growing up, most of my questions about it were downplayed and ignored. It would be explained to me that it was discernment (distinguishing) between which spirits were from God or from the devil. That’s it. Done. Move on. No one ever seemed to know much more than that, nor were they that interested. What I found was that I was asking people questions they had never been asked in areas they didn’t take much interest in or understand to begin with.

When I was younger I remember reading about the gifts and always secretly desiring that gift above all the others in my heart, even though I didn’t fully understand it. I see today that the desire I secretly had for a spiritual gift from the Father was a desire put in place by the Lord Himself.
I can’t say that this has been a easy journey for me thus far and I do not believe that this gift is a burden or a curse (though at times it did feel that way, but in truth it’s not). What I do see now is that my faith was so lacking that I made it hard on myself (For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:30 KJV).

Back to what I was beginning to say, one the of the  hardest things to deal with when it comes to this gift is when other “Christians” to not believe you. I’ve run across numerous people that if at any point you mention an experience you’ve dealt with concerning an evil entity, they immediately do not know how to respond. Some act awkward and quickly look to change the subject while others, at times, come in and treat you as if you are in need of deliverance and must have done something wrong or have unforgiven sin in your life to be dealing with such a thing.

The truth of the matter is this: God gives His gifts to those He chooses to give gifts to and it is for His purpose. Some might be gifts of faith, some wisdom, some knowledge, some miracles, some healing, some discernment of spirits, some speaking in tongues, some prophecy, etc  (1 Corinthians 12:7-11). Overall, the Lord will work in you what His desire is for you and for the benefit of the Body of Christ; either to grow it or to build it up.

Now, the gifts of the Spirit are all from God. The gifts of the Spirit also come without repentance.

For the gifts and calling of God are without repentance. – Romans 11:29 KJV

That means that you do not have to be a born-again Christian in order to receive a gift of the Spirit from the Lord. Afterall, He formed each of us in the womb, created for His purpose and His Will. Whether we choose to turn to Him with all our heart, repent, be baptized, and become saved from eternal damnation is up to us.

I do believe that not every person will work solely through one gift, but that each gift will come as the Lord sees fit. There have been times that I have received knowledge about someone else that I could not have known or perceived if it were not for the Holy Spirit telling me (gift of knowledge). Other times I have experienced other gifts as well, like the gift of wisdom, and I do not claim myself to be a wise person normally. All in all it is one Spirit working, which is the Spirit of God. Usually these things occur in times that the Lord was working for the benefit of someone else and I just happened to be the vessel. It doesn’t make me some super human with super powers, it makes me a servant striving to be obedient to the Lord. It doesn’t make me perfect or perfect in Christ, as I still have many faults and struggles, but it does encourage me to keep seeking a closer relationship in Christ that I may help others when and how He sees fit.

Discernment of spirits works the same way. It is for the Lord’s purpose, whether to teach you about something or someone else, or to try and help them come closer to knowing the Lord. Sometimes it could be to find out what could be causing someone much distress and there are times that you might witness a demon that is living inside of another person. I’m sure there are other instances that I am forgetting to mention here, but either way, you will not notice these things without reason of some kind, even if it’s not always clear at the time. I have had instances where it has taken months or even years for me to realize why I experienced something the way that I did. And you know what? At the time I didn’t understand it but later on it helped me all the more to grow in faith and depend on the Lord.

I used to wonder why I could feel the presence of so much around me so consistently in some areas to the point that the feeling of spiritual filth and evil entities would almost drive me nuts, cause me to feel sick, or become so overwhelmingly dizzy that I thought I might fall over. I realize now that the spiritual battles that were taking place around those areas (or people) were battles the enemy was winning at. Otherwise they would not be able to stand being there and would have no license to be there. When coming across things such as this, whether in the home, workplace, or otherwise, we must take these things to the Lord in prayer and seek His guidance on what to do. It will sometimes take time in this and not every battle is won in an instant, but through the same love and longsuffering the Lord has for all of us, we must be patient and not lose hope.

I hope to write more on this soon and to share more of what I have learned so far in this journey with the Lord. For those who may be going through similar things and are at a loss on how to deal with them at times, you’re not alone. Keep up the faith and depend on Jesus Christ, the only Savior and King.
Seek Him for everything, no matter how small it may seem.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.
If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-25

Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.
Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God:
And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that [spirit] of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world.
Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.
They are of the world: therefore speak they of the world, and the world heareth them.
We are of God: he that knoweth God heareth us; he that is not of God heareth not us. Hereby know we the spirit of truth, and the spirit of error.
1  John 4:1-6

False Guilt from the Devil

Often times as time goes on I tend to forget a lot of the things of the past. I’m sure most people could say this. Typically I have a very good memory for things done or said in general and can recall or recount conversations on who said what, in what order, and so on.

This does not seem to always be the case, however. I find that in painful situations I tend to block out a lot of what was said or done most likely as a coping mechanism of not knowing how to deal with the pain.
When someone mentions being offended or hurt in by others I am instantly worried that I am included in that group of offenders. Then the devil comes in to try and accuse me, causing mass amounts of guilt and anxiety.
I have started to learn to try and stop, reflect, remember, and pray about these situations. If I cannot remember anything I might have said or done that cause someone else grief then I probably haven’t.
When the Lord corrects you on something you do, it is not through feelings of fear and anxiety. If I have not been corrected by the Lord then I probably don’t need correction in that area I am fretting over.

In the past I used to get caught up in that trick quite often. I would have past friendships that had fallen apart through hurt and disdain only to later forget most of what was said and felt I had done something terribly wrong. I would even sometimes reach out to some of these people to apologize and come to find out they were just as heartless to me when I sought forgiveness as they were when we parted ways. That is not to say I have never done or said anything wrong or that I have never accidentally or intentionally hurt anyone, though I try never to do that.

Either way, the devil will try to trick you by giving you false guilt and shame for things you had nothing to do with or things you had not even done. If you ever doubt in these situations ask the Lord for help and He will help you. He is our help in a time of trouble.

Psalms 91:1-16 KJV
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

Psalm 73

Truly God is good to Israel, even
to such as are of a clean heart.
But as for me, my feet were almost
gone; my steps had well nigh
slipped.
For I was envious at the foolish,
when I saw the prosperity of the
wicked.
For there are no bands in their
death: but their strength is firm.
They are not in trouble as other
men; neither are they plagued like
other men.
Therefore pride compasseth them
about as a chain; violence
covereth them as a garment.
Their eyes stand out with fatness:
they have more than heart could
wish.
They are corrupt, and speak
wickedly concerning oppression:
they speak loftily.
They set their mouth against the
heavens, and their tongue walketh
through the earth.
Therefore his people return
hither: and waters of a full cup
are wrung out to them.
And they say, How doth God know?
and is there knowledge in the most
High?
Behold, these are the ungodly, who
prosper in the world; they
increase in riches.
Verily I have cleansed my heart in
vain, and washed my hands in
innocency.
For all the day long have I been
plagued, and chastened every
morning.
If I say, I will speak thus;
behold, I should offend against
the generation of thy children.
When I thought to know this, it
was too painful for me;
Until I went into the sanctuary of
God; then understood I their end.
Surely thou didst set them in
slippery places: thou castedst
them down into destruction.
How are they brought into
desolation, as in a moment! they
are utterly consumed with terrors.
As a dream when one awaketh; so, O
Lord, when thou awakest, thou
shalt despise their image.
Thus my heart was grieved, and I
was pricked in my reins.
So foolish was I, and ignorant: I
was as a beast before thee.
Nevertheless I am continually with
thee: thou hast holden me by my
right hand.
Thou shalt guide me with thy
counsel, and afterward receive me
to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but thee?
and there is none upon earth that
I desire beside thee.
My flesh and my heart faileth: but
God is the strength of my heart,
and my portion for ever.
For, lo, they that are far from
thee shall perish: thou hast
destroyed all them that go a
whoring from thee.
But it is good for me to draw near
to God: I have put my trust in the
Lord GOD, that I may declare all
thy works.

Blessed is the name of the Lord

And my spirit hath rejoiced in God
my Saviour.
For he hath regarded the low
estate of his handmaiden: for,
behold, from henceforth all
generations shall call me blessed.
For he that is mighty hath done to
me great things; and holy is his
name.
And his mercy is on them that fear
him from generation to generation.
He hath shewed strength with his
arm; he hath scattered the proud
in the imagination of their
hearts.
He hath put down the mighty from
their seats, and exalted them of
low degree.
He hath filled the hungry with
good things; and the rich he hath
sent empty away.
He hath holpen his servant Israel,
in remembrance of his mercy;
As he spake to our fathers, to
Abraham, and to his seed for ever.

Luke 1:47-55

Immediately

And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.
And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

Matthew 14:25-31