(Backdate: 4/30/14 10:15 PM)
What I’ve been going through lately has not just been a situation where I become depressed, angry, anxious, or feel helpless maybe once or twice a week, it has become a constant struggle throughout my days and nights. There are times I become so overwhelmed that I wish I could end my own life. Usually because I feel so exasperated and hopeless and so I won’t have to deal with any of this anymore.
I’ve noticed several times this week that even while sitting idle I will suddenly become so anxious about nothing in general that I start to shake.
Of course all of this has lead me to smoke even more which then makes me feel worse about myself since I still haven’t quit.
I become irritable and feel I sometimes am looking for a reason to have an argument or fight with someone.
I often want to throw things and be destructive.
It takes me hours to fall asleep and most times I give up trying to sleep at all (even without having caffeine.)
I feel I have no one to talk to when this comes up and starts affecting me, mostly out of fear that people will become annoyed with me that I’m still going through this.
I don’t feel like I have anyone anymore and often believe everyone is do much better without me or I’m not significant enough to be missed. That also usually leads to suicidal thoughts.
I sometimes feel like I need someone to be available to pray with me and help me through this when I start feeling it but feel too ashamed at how often it happens and probably won’t admit any of it to anyone.
Anytime things start to feel better and I let my guard down it gets even worse and creeps back up. Each time this happens I push those around me farther away and feel it would be better if I didn’t say anything about it at all.
If it keeps going I will become even more reclusive than I am now and want absolutely no one around me. I’m already considering canceling my normal weekend routine not knowing if this will keep going and not wanting to burden Brandon anymore. I don’t know how long we’ll even last because of this.
I often feel physically restless during the day and especially at night while I am trying to go to sleep. My arms and legs won’t relax and I can’t get comfortable.
I worry about my future, physical and mental health, relationships, and overall life on and off, getting as if I have no control.
My appetite comes and goes on phases that last days and I find myself mostly only eating because I know I need to.
I don’t enjoy any of the things I used to and don’t enjoy any new things I come across.