I had a night of strange dreams; some of these dreams woke me up at 4 AM and I typed a general about them into my phone. Overall they seemed to be about taking care of people. Some were rescued, some were just lost, and I was trying to help them and provide a safe place where they could learn about God.
After I got up this morning I started to feel as though I had slight anxiety. I can’t think of anything subconsciously that would make me anxious and I haven’t had any caffeine that could be causing false feelings of this by raising my heart rate. (Typically if that happens I’ve had to have a ton of caffeine throughout the day.)
I have an overall sense of urgency for some reason. Not sure if it’s just in my head or an urgency from the Lord or even something from the enemy trying to cause effect.
The last week I felt completely off, having moments where I felt that no matter how much I prayed God was just too far away, as if there was something blocking us from being able to communicate. I know this is not possible as God hears all, especially his children. I had been asking questions about the faith of others that seem to only do minimal work in their relationship with Him, as if that’s actually all that is needed. I know in my head and heart that I have felt the difference in being closer to Him and having a good communication going. It was almost as if I was being told, “Oh, you want to know what it’s like being distant from Me? Okay, here you go!”
It was horrible. I found myself yearning for that closeness again and fearing I would never find it.
After time went by I began to feel that maybe it wasn’t just God causing that separation and, given the way the enemy has worked against us before, it could very well be something so slight and so well hidden that I couldn’t tell the enemy was near. I prayed that God would take away anything near me that would be causing such feelings; making me feel as though He could just barely hear me and I definitely couldn’t hear Him. The feelings were lifted and I’ve had to realize just how sneaky the enemy can be.
Over the last few months I’ve had to deal with a lot of strange happenings as far as spiritual warfare. By “strange” I mean that I’ve seen, felt, perceived, heard, and even smelled results of the enemy being close to me. At the time I was not only working on repairing my relationship with the Lord but also working on a study about the spiritual gifts that we receive through the Holy Spirit (I believe a lot of people don’t realize what theirs are and that they need to be used to build up the church; the Body of Christ), and I took this warfare as a sign that the enemy didn’t want me to encourage others to have tools that would go against their own plans. Of course now, I realize that it’s not only that but the fact that they don’t want anything to happen that would glorify God and help bring more to Him.
This week I have found myself in a constant mind frame of desperation in what direction I need to be going in. Where God wants me to be, what He wants me to be doing, and how I can get started. I continually have to try to get myself to realize that maybe He just hasn’t revealed it to me yet because I’m either not quite ready or because it’s not the right time. It feels like a lot will be happening in the near future (hopefully that’s just not my overactive mind causing me to feel that way) and I want to be prepared. The thing I need to remember is that God will always be my provider. He will always take care of me and no matter how prepared I might think I am, I have nothing without Him.
Watch out for the enemy. They truly are a brood of vipers, hiding in plain sight, waiting to sneak by without you ever realizing. As time has gone on I have had to learn just how diverse their attacks can be, how well hidden it can be (or not), and how much they can make you think you’re the one doing something wrong to cause you to separate from the Lord. Even now while I’m reading what I just wrote it feels like a battle in my head trying to justify that it was probably my doubt, a lack of trust, causing that separation; I truly have been praying that God would use me, speak to me, clarify and show me what I need to be doing. I have been praying to be able to listen, concentrate on Him, and that I’m willing to do whatever He wants or needs me to. Maybe it was not only the silence of not being the right time but also my impatience but you can tell when the enemy tries to use those things against you.
Please be praying that I will continue to look for the Lord in everything. That I will not become distracted and will be open to listen to Him for anything that I need to be doing, as I am completely willing, though I know He has told me the time has not yet come for that.