I’ve been upset this evening over quite a few things. One of which was something revealed to my boyfriend about what it is I’m supposed to be doing. Though I am incredibly grateful that I understand more clearly my situation and what I need to be working on, I am still frustrated that it wasn’t revealed to me throughout my prayers and requests. But I also know that maybe I wasn’t fully able to listen.
Often I go through times where I feel that my prayers are heard but there is something hindering me from being able to hear clearly or at all any responses to what I might be praying about. Most of the responses I might get are so slight that I can’t tell if they’re a form of my subconscious answering what I think the Lord would say on one matter or another. I try to clear my mind and be open to whatever answer I may get, trying not to allow my thoughts to sway one way or another, but in the end I’m still not certain. I understand that there are times when we wont have clear answers, don’t get me wrong, but lately it’s been a lot more foggy than usual. When I do feel compelled one way more than the other I typically go ahead with what I felt compelled for, asking all the while that if I’m incorrect in doing so that I will be corrected so I can resolve it.
I am a fixer. I like to fix things and resolve issues as soon as they come up. This can be incredibly frustrating when dealing with situations of patience, especially in regards to my own life. I am typically a patient person with others and will pray that they will come around to whatever it is the Lord might be speaking about, but lately I’ve been worried about this foggy communication.
I was driving around tonight with my dog, just to get out of the house, and decided to turn down a street of the new part of the neighborhood they are building. When we originally moved here it was an area owned by farmers and within the last year or two they have sold a portion of their land for others to build up a newer residential area within our neighborhood. Of course, I didn’t like this idea at first because they also tore out a lot of trees that covered one side of the street, and most of the houses they are putting in are miniature mansion in style (though they’re not that big).
It occurred to me tonight as I was driving around in this that it felt darker than usual. I got a sense that the air was thick and hard to breathe. I had already wondered, before taking the left turn into this new section of the neighborhood, if there might be new spiritual beings (demonic) that might also be moving in. If you think about it in the context of them working against and harassing those who are un-believers (not to say that us as Christians aren’t ever harassed or bothered) it kind of makes sense.
If felt dark and a bit unnerving to be driving through there. I can’t say that most of this was due to some of the houses still being in skeleton form, since I’ve been around houses and buildings being built or under construction before, and this didn’t feel the same. I also considered the fact that it’s dark out and things can easily seem creepier in the dark. It wasn’t that.
After leaving this area and making another left turn out to one of the main roads towards my street, the air didn’t feel quite as heavy.. until I got home.
Which leads me to my next subject. I believe, and have had this confirmed by my boyfriend, that there is something (spiritual) that is living in my garage. I wondered if there was some object or possession out there that it might have some sort of attachment to, almost a gateway to get into the house, if you will. I’ve perceived a shadowy figure standing in the back part of the garage, farther from the door, and have had quite a few random instances where I suddenly have a visual of something running at me to attack me. One image in particular was when I was getting ready to leave for work one morning, the sun wasn’t fully up, and I saw a man running at me from the shadows of the garage. I can still remember his face, his scraggly hair, the demented look in his eye, and the almost boil looking sores around his mouth and face. Of course this imagery terrified me and I still turn the light on before I leave to go to work through this way.
I have also had quite a few dreams of something coming up the drive-way, into the garage, and trying to attack me. In most of these dreams I get to my house but am a little too late to fully close and lock the door behind me.
In other instances I have been standing on the driveway after coming home and have gotten a very strong sense that some sort of shadowy creature was about to walk up the driveway towards me. That they were just pacing around the property line waiting on a chance to get in.
I often pray for the protection of our house, family, and property. That the Lord will sanctify it and not allow anything from the spiritual realm, that is not from Him, to be near us. I’m beginning to wonder if the thing in my garage is the only thing that’s been able to come in lately. Of course I don’t really know any theories of if one comes near it might bring others also except from Luke 11:24-26, which is speaking of those who are oppressed or possessed of demons. That when one is cast out, and the person is not filled with the Spirit by accepting Christ, it will eventually come back and bring more with it. I don’t know about it in the terms of an actual physical house or even a neighborhood, but I suppose it is possible that it might try to allow more to come near or at least make me think it’s doing that.
Overall I’m at a loss on some of the realizations I feel I’ve had tonight. I thank God for bringing them to my attention and pray that He will help me deal with whatever is coming my way or is already here.
There are quite a few things that I realized tonight: the first being that when my boyfriend was told to really pay attention through reading Exodus and he got that we would be leaving and building (compared to the Israelites) I realized that there might be more that was supposed to be noticed as well. Just because we hear clearly on one thing doesn’t mean there aren’t other important parts that you should pray about and see if you missed anything. Of course I don’t want to feel like Abraham’s Sarah, going and suggesting another way that isn’t what God originally intended. I simply mean that it doesn’t hurt to ask if there’s anything else you missed or if what you got was what was meant (unless it’s completely clear. I say this because 90% of the time lately my answers aren’t very clear).
Another is that my “foggy” communication with the Lord might be due to what’s surrounding me or even just near me. How to completely get rid of it, I don’t know. I’m not even sure if it could be something that I’m doing or not doing causing me to feel this way or their presence to begin with. I’ve asked several times that the Lord would bring to my attention anything that I needed to get rid of or work on to help resolve this issue, and though I’ve found a few things here and there, I don’t know if I fully have a clear answer in regards to something I’m doing/not doing properly.
Another is that I’m often afraid to trust my instincts concerning discernment due to a fear of trusting more in myself to perceive or feel something and not wait for the Lord’s revealing. On one hand He might be wanting me to trust my instincts and grow in the gift, not doubting what He has already given me. On the other hand I’m terrified in the thought of this feeling as if it’s wrong and I’d be putting my faith more in an ability than in Him who gave it to me. That’s something I’ll need clarity on.
Another thing has to do with the experiences Brandon and I had this last Saturday night. The demonic presences we witnessed in his neighborhood, around his neighbor’s houses. Although it was scary and we prayed about it, it was quite an experience (maybe I’ll write what happened later). After we both went inside Brandon told me that out of the several around us he felt as if they were planning an attack (I got the feeling that one of them was larger than the others, which later I wondered if that was more of an authority over the others). I wonder now if the sense of urgency I have been getting about us reading our Bibles constantly is due in preparation for a future attack.
This urgency I have been getting has been pretty constant everyday, almost all day. I feel completely serious about it and feel that there’s no time to run around having fun (at least not for myself). I then easily become upset when the others around me don’t share this same urgency. I wasn’t sure if this feeling was for just me at first and now I’m starting to think that it’s for all of us. Everyone. (Go read your Bible!)
I’m still not certain if there could be something that I have done or haven’t done, something that needs to be fixed or changed around me, to help me clearly hear from the Lord. Or maybe it’s just not a time where He is going to speak to me as clearly as He does others. Maybe it’s time for Him to speak to others and me to just trust what He’s saying through them. On the other hand, it could be something else is hindering me from being able to hear Him. I’m not quite certain, though I’m getting the feeling that it’s not something that I’ve necessarily done/haven’t done because I have constantly asked what it is I need to fix or work on to help my relationship with Him. Typically I will eventually come to a point of emotional stand-by and am lead into a spiritual warfare type of attack. It’s while coming out of these times that I start to think that it’s more likely something else altogether that’s hindering me. The thought even occurred to me that maybe He’s speaking more to Brandon and others right now in a way to protect the messages He has for us. That while these things are around me His messages might become jumbled, misunderstood, or later mixed up with the lies I am later told my the enemy. Maybe it’s because of such spiritual warfare that He is using others to communicate to about future plans. A tactical approach when the enemy is nearer to one person or area. You wouldn’t want to go to war and tell a certain group all of your plans, fully knowing your enemies are nearby and might come across them. Pray about that for me, please.
Something is coming and something is going to change soon. And by soon, I mean in God’s eyes. It might be years for us but all the while, the days are going by incredibly fast and it’s time to prepare for what is coming our way.
I’m sure this might seem a little jumbled and all over the place, which I apologize for (but don’t care enough to fix it). I’m typing on my keyboard as fast as my hands are able to just to get out what I’ve gotten so far. Time is shorter than you realize.
Partial prayer from Saturday night:
Lord I love you to the depths of my soul. I thank you for watching over us and for your protection. Lord, thank you for fighting for us and loving us so much. Please reveal the wonders of your love and the ways you have placed before us.
Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.
Lord, please use me as a tool and a vessel for you and your works.
Thank you for your presence and your grace. THank you for your peace and understanding, humbling ways.
Thank you for your light and pillar of fire to lead us to you. Thank you for your ways.