How do you convince yourself that you are loved? (part 1)

How do you convince yourself that you are loved?
Growing up, as a child, I remember always going to Sunday School and church. I remember singing and learning songs like “Jesus Loves Me” and hearing about His love.

I remember asking Him into my heart as a child and praying with my mother while kneeling down at the side of their water-bed (it was the 90’s).
But what I honestly never felt was loved.
I remember hearing the words and repeating them, that Jesus loves me, but I’ve never felt that was specifically for me. I always heard it and somehow in my head conglomerized it all to being about people as a whole. That He cares about people as a whole and I got lucky to just somehow fit “into the crowd.”
I don’t feel like it speaks about me specifically. How could anyone love me? Even to this day it feels weird to hear my parents say it. I admitted even just today that when I ask my boyfriend why he likes/loves me it’s not because I’m looking for some lovey-dovey compliment, it’s because I actually don’t understand it.
Why me? I can’t even begin to understand why I was created in the first place, let alone why anyone might care about me the way that I do them.

I’ve never had high self-esteem. I’ve always somehow translated that feeling self-important or “worth” anything is a form of having an ego. For myself, not for others. Anytime someone has mentioned love in regards to me I always ask, “Why?” I mean, there are plenty of other people out there more deserving than me. It’s like my brain cannot actually comprehend it, understand it, or believe it. I don’t know why.

When I care about someone or even make friends (which is kind of a rarity for me to consider anyone a true friend), I often hold that relationship to a higher standard than most people probably do. I could even say that I care more about those people than my own life and have a hard time understanding that it’s not always the way it is returned. I don’t always find people who will drop everything for me or make me feel special the way I try to do them. I wont always find someone who will know that sometimes I just want to sit and be held than “have things fixed” if there’s a problem. I can be difficult to read and difficult to deal with.
I have some how developed a weird thought process that accompanies a weird set of standards. I wouldn’t say I’m “normal” and I wouldn’t label myself crazy either.
I can be over analytical and emotionless and I can be quite the opposite as well. This is worse if it’s something that I have a hard time comprehending.

Anyway, back to what I was saying, I have never fully felt that anyone could care about me the way I can care about someone else. I don’t understand it when someone does love me and I’m usually skeptical of it on and off as well. Past relationships full of deceit and lies does not help this state of mind as often those who claimed to love me were the ones that always hurt me.
When I hear people I know praising me for something I did or made I almost cringe inside. I almost find it painful to even take a compliment that would be for “myself.”
Even now I still can’t seem to even wrap my head around the idea that my parents love me, even if not for me than because I was born from them. It doesn’t add up and it doesn’t quite register or  compute in my mind.

Now, given the fact that I am 30-years-old and have grown up in church my entire life, it’s very hard for me to admit that I do not feel loved. That I do not feel worthy of love from anybody, let alone Christ. It’s very painful for me to even admit it to myself because in the process I also have to admit that I do not find myself worthy to even exist. But I said it.

I recently had been praying that if there was anything in my life, hindering me more from God, that he would bring it forward and help me get through it. Any sort of deep seeded issues and, well, I’d say this is a doozy. I’m not exactly sure what to do about it or how to go about fixing it.
I’m sure some would suggest I just sit, pray, and wait to feel Christ’s love or go see a counselor. I’m sure I’d hear tons of “but we love you!” comments or tons of scriptures. To be completely honest, that doesn’t mean I’d believe any of it.
What do you do when throughout your life and with all you’ve read and heard you always just sum up that love as being meant for everyone but yourself? You know He loves everyone but you don’t know He loves you. You can read the same scriptures as everyone else and sing the same songs or even repeat the same phrases, but it doesn’t make you feel any more loved.

I don’t know where all of this came from or why any of it started. Even as a child I had issues with when I asked Christ into my life because at the time I saw a lot of the kids my age at church becoming Christians and being baptized. Now, having grown up being home schooled for a large part of my life I always felt left out from everyone else and in some ways I think I did all of that out of peer pressure. That messed with me later on in life as well as I never felt like I had honestly and earnestly become a Christian. I even asked Christ into my life several times but never felt any different. It’s very easy to believe those little lies that come creeping into your head that ask you “Are you sure you did it right?”

I feel stuck at in impasse right now. No matter how many times someone shows me scripture or tries to convince me that Jesus really does love ME, I wont really believe it. I’ll still have something in my head saying, “that’s really just talking about everyone else.” I do believe that He died and rose again and that He is our Savior, but in some weird way I feel lost in the mix. Like being lost in a crowd and I just  kind of got lucky to be a part of it.

Needless to say my heart is broken and has been for a very long time. I’m sure I sound incredibly insane to most people, naive to others, and absolutely ridiculous to rest. I don’t think a lot of people out there understand the kind of trauma that can be inside of a person for so long that when the finally are willing to admit it, they feel that there’s no help. That they wont get out of it and there’s nothing that can be said to fix it.

Either way, please be praying for me. I hope I don’t sound too incredibly crazy. I don’t know what caused all of this but it’s been there for most of my life, as far as I can tell. I’ve never felt worthy of anything and still don’t to this day. I’ve seen that there’s work God will need me to do but we all know that we can do work and still not really feel loved or worthy.

Now that I’ve admitted this I honestly have no idea of where to go from here.


2 thoughts on “How do you convince yourself that you are loved? (part 1)

  1. Pingback: A Purposely Broken Heart | unicorncoat

  2. Pingback: A Hard Fall Off Pride Mountain (part 3) | unicorncoat

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