I was sitting at my desk, crocheting and watching a video of someone’s testimony, when I felt like God was trying to get my attention. Now, I should explain that at this point I’ve kind of been in a wilderness phase for months. When I say months I meant well over six months (maybe nine? I lost track). In the past I would hear from Him on and off in my head when I was pray or even more as “feelings” (think gut feelings). Then all of a sudden it all stopped. It was like the cords were cut and I had no communication from His side whatsoever. This was incredibly confusing and painful to me. More than once it has felt more like a punishment than anything else. I still don’t understand it and I can only assume He wants me to learn to “hear” from him a different way? Or maybe it’s situational, it’s hard to say when you never get answers to your questions. Or that’s how it can feel.
Anyway, I felt a need to spend time with Him away from my crafts and videos so that’s what I did.
Here is my conclusion after it all.
Sometimes you have to allow your heart to be broken in order for it to heal correctly.
I prayed tonight that the Lord would break my heart and heal it in the way that He needs it to be. I don’t expect it to be an easy process, but I also asked Him to reveal what is in my heart that needs to be changed (just like with my problem with love already mentioned in part 1 “How do you convince yourself you’re loved?”), and to help me with that change.
I’ve learned that not only do I have issues with believing others may love me, including our Lord, I have a hard time with trust.
While having a hard time with love I realize that I feel a need to be fussed over or something nice done for me to show that I am appreciated. That is a problem with trusting that someone cares for me and needing constant confirmation (though it’s still nice having nice things done for you from time to time).
I took the time and laid in my bed to talk with Him tonight. At first I felt almost a warmth in a presence and I talked for a little while and sat for a little while, trying to wrap my head around someone like Him truly loving me. Questions arose such as, “Why would you ever love someone like me?” and the answer was usually “Because I created you.”
Then of course I immediately asked why He would create someone like me, in which I felt Him saying that it was for a purpose. I’m having a very hard time wrapping my head around things that I used to claim without a doubt. I honestly don’t know how much of this is deep seeded and how much of it is some sort of blinding spiritual warfare, but then again, I did ask for it. It also doesn’t come with the fear that spiritual warfare casts (that’s in the living room and I’ve already ignored it several times), though it does come with some despair. Keep in mind we are capable of causing ourselves to feel our own despair at times and just because we may feel down in the dumps does not always mean it is spiritual warfare.
Towards the end of the time that I was on the bed speaking to him, though I didn’t hear any actual words from Him, it suddenly felt almost flat. I even found myself saying, “That’s it?” As if suddenly our conversation was over and we’ll have to pick it up again later.
I’m left not really knowing how I feel right now. I guess I feel a little numb, which is probably an improvement. Still kind of odd to me to just leave it at where it was. I tried to think about some of the things that I had been thinking about or feeling earlier in the day and I’m actually kind of drawing a blank.
I’ll take blank and numb over despair any day though.
Thank you for your prayers. I’ll try to update as I go on this subject. I don’t know if it will help anyone else out there but I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world that doesn’t believe they deserve love, no matter who it’s from.
I would also like to mention that the same statement has been coming to mind either throughout today or since yesterday of, “You have to want to be loved first.”
That might sound strange to some of you as I’m sure all of you could easily think, “Who wouldn’t want to feel loved?” Well, let me tell you who, the kind of person who thinks so little of themselves that they don’t feel they would even deserve it. That might be hard for some people to fathom, but those kinds of feelings exist and I should know first hand as I often feel that way myself. That’s the whole point of what I’ve written in my last two points is me admitting that I’ve had those feelings and don’t feel worthy of love, either by other people or my Father.
It’s a very complex situation and it will take time to get through it. I pray that I get there it. Honestly, what other choice to I have? I belong to the Lord no matter how I feel so I have to get through it one way or another.