Recently I asked the Lord to show me some things that are in my heart or in my life that I need to allow Him to work on with me. He did that. It hasn’t been very fun and it has been difficult to even know how to react. A lot of the things that were brought up are issues that stem back throughout my childhood and have really effected the way I am today in my relationships with not only Him, but other people as well.
It has to do with feeling loved and desiring to feel loved, coupled with distrust that anyone would or could love me.
I’ve already written about these subjects several times (not all of them are posted) and I will post links to those posts at the bottom of this one if anyone is interested in reading them.I was sitting here listening to a broadcast about the tribulations to come and the way we will be tested when I suddenly realized that once again, I have failed the test God has put before me. I then remembered that I had asked for Him to bring some things forward that I might need healing with and couldn’t figure out if it was the process of going through that or if it was being tested. Of course it dawned on me that it’s both.
Not only was He bringing forth things that I needed to work on and allow Him to help me with (such as believing that He loves me and I am deserving of His love) but it was also a test to see how well I would believe in Him. To trust Him. To be honest with you I didn’t do a very good job.
When I talked to Him the other night I felt that He was calling me to go and sit. A part of me was excited in thinking that Him and I would be able to discuss what had been causing me such heartache all week, of course it didn’t seem to be what He wanted to discuss. He showed me something that was gold and shining with warmth. I noticed it had precious jewels in it and it was incredibly beautiful to look at. I kept wanting to describe it as a part of a chalice. It was cylindrical in shape, wider at the base, but had no base (bottom piece), and there didn’t seem to be a top piece that would make the actual cup.
I asked someone to ask Him about this and all was said was that it was His (Christ’s) divinity. When asked what it meant they told me all He said was that it would be revealed.
Afterwards I felt that there was a brief discussion of.. something and then the conversation kind of just ended. It wasn’t exactly the heart-to-heart I was hoping for and didn’t seem to have anything to do with myself. I remember seeing this piece of the “chalice” (still not sure if that’s what it was) and feeling like I was shown that it was a part of us, as believers.
Maybe it had to do with Him being a part of us and His divinity/love in us? I’m not sure. I hope that will be revealed soon enough.
Anyway, after this talk I felt almost numb. It was as if someone played surgeon on my emotions and took out whatever part of me was actually in pain. It was incredibly confusing especially considering that I still had memories of all the things that were hurting me and it seemed that there was a part of me that was wanting to hold on to that pain. Granted, it’s all I’ve known and tried to bury for most of my life, but that’s not a very good excuse.
It seems to be a habit of mine to constantly look for the negative than to let go and enjoy my blessings. Besides, letting go would mean that I would have to completely have trust, right? I wish I could say that I’m trying my best but I know that’s a lie as well. I could be trying a lot harder. Actually, I could be trying. As much as I hate to admit it, the amount that I have “tried” has been little to none. I’ve still tried to hold on to all the pain and heartache and it’s getting me no where fast. Most likely it’s more of my pride getting in the way than anything else at this point and this would not be the first time that I will have prayed that He would humble me for His sake and mine.
We are loved. We are beloved. We have to learn to trust in His words.
No, I didn’t hear him tell me He loves me with His own words. In some respects I already knew it and probably tried to hide it to keep my pain on the surface. I wish I could explain why I do the weird things that I do but that would probably take an encyclopedia of books about my life, and let’s face it that would not be a very interesting read (on top of the fact that I would hate to have to go through that much of my history).
Either way, please be praying that I will continue to move out of this. At this point, regardless of how I might feel or what I might think, there’s work that needs to be done. His purpose is a lot more important than my own and I don’t even have one without Him.
Thank you to those who have listened to me whine and prayed for me, even if you said a random little prayer while accidentally stumbling across my blog. Thank you.
Please continue to do so and may we all pray that His will be lifted up.
Continue to work and continue to allow your eyes to be opened by Him. He has a lot to share with a lot of us and it’s time to really start paying attention.
Pray for all of our patience as well. Hopefully by morning I will still have this same outlook and my pride will not get in the way again. There’s too much at stake.