I’ve felt moved to write on and off lately but have had a very hard time doing so. I haven’t exactly had the words nor the idea of what I was going to write of. This last week has not been the best by any means and I’m still trying to figure out what issues have risen in the hopes that there may be some sort of resolve.
The Lord recently brought up a part of my past that I haven’t really ever had much issue talking about unlike other parts of me. These parts were from my youth and my so-called “goth days” that I experienced starting around the age of twelve and continuing throughout parts of High School. The phases I went through around the time of puberty and shortly there after were more dark than light, I would say, and I’m sure they have plagued a lot of my life in ways that I’ve somehow opened doors that needed to be closed. Maybe a lot of the spiritual warfare I am sensitive to is a cause of these open doors, I’m not exactly sure. Either way if they are truly there they need to be closed.
The friends I had acquired around the age of twelve, who were two years older than me and up, were either interested in Wicca, some were supposedly bi-sexual, one was a lesbian, and another volunteered at Planned Parenthood. Looking back I can see bits and pieces of where God has protected me and allowed me to maintain my innocence in a lot of areas. Even during the time (as I remember it well) that the oldest girl in the group, who had gotten pregnant from her 30-something-year-old foster or stepbrother (I can’t remember all of the details of their relationship), was talking to the others about getting an abortion. She was sixteen and constantly in trouble with her parents as it was. She got the abortion and I remember that she was never quite the same, though she didn’t really talk about it much.
I was pulled out of the school of where I had made these friends, who had introduced me into a world of darkness and I found myself completely curious about it. It was a world I had never seen before and, having no prior knowledge to the evils in the world, I was fascinated. Of course when at that age it’s easily viewed as a “lifestyle choice” than a slow introduction to the occult. I do believe there is where my fascination with the occult comes from today. That is not to say that I am looking into the occult by any means, I just like knowing about it and being prepared against it all, including the way it is now ingrained into our society with little to no notice from most Christians today. A lot of my interest in being knowledgeable about some aspects of it all (because I still would rather stay innocent to some aspects of it) is usually misinterpreted with me being TOO interested. It’s misunderstood as an unhealthy view and often can cause others to accuse me or assume I’m getting into things that I should not as if I’m unable to control myself and I will become too interested or fascinated only leading myself into trouble.
This verse comes to mind
But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness.
1 Timothy 6:11
That is not to say I am fully immersing myself into the beliefs of the occult but merely wanting to know what the darkness is in order to stay away from it and help steer those around me from such practices. You have to admit these practices and the symbols (which are still used to this day) are everywhere in our culture now.
Anyway, the Lord brought those times to mind and although I didn’t understand a lot of it back then, the true meaning behind the “lifestyle” (I don’t believe any of the girls did either. After all they were only a couple of years older), I still needed to repent for those times. I needed to ask Him to close any doors I may have unknowingly opened. Things I might have allowed to darken my heart or may have overlooked and thought of the evil in the world as “not that big of a deal.” It’s incredibly easy to disregard something as meaningless despite the true belief someone has put into it behind the scenes.
There is no excuse for evil. That is why the Devil himself will pay for all he has done and is still doing today.
I don’t quite know yet if my repentance has been sufficient. I don’t know if there might be something I have missed and I will have to pray about that and wait and see if there is something that comes up.
The last four or more days have been mentally and emotionally draining to me and although the sun is out, they have felt as though it’s surrounded in darkness. Of course I know that’s not true, I’m merely expressing the mental and emotional state and how it has seemed.
There are still many things that I need to work on in my life and many things that need to be removed, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I wont give up, despite at times feeling as though I’m ready to crawl under a rock and stop existing. I know there’s still work to be done and I’m nowhere near being close to fulfilling that. It will take time and a lot of patience, which I’ll admit I’ve been short on lately. I thank God that He’s so patient with us and doesn’t give up on us, even when we sometimes think we need to give up on everything else.
If you read this, please keep praying for me as I’m on this path of healing, this spiritual surgery, while He’s trying to mold me into who He needs me to be. This week has been difficult, though I should never expect it to be easy. It’s harder to see the fog when you’re in the midst of it. I have a feeling that there is more darkness from my past that will be brought up or that has not been properly dealt with. I’m learning that most of the things I have learned since a child (or the lack thereof since churches don’t teach you how to deal with such things these days), are not what they seem and most of them are having to be tossed out the window while I let the Lord teach me Himself.
Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.