As soon as the Lord starts telling me to start spending more time with Him I have the hardest time even focusing on him or his words. My mood and attitude towards most things becomes apathetic and lifeless. Try imagining all emotion suddenly being muted in your life; that’s the best way I know how to describe it. Apathy and indifference are some of the hardest things for me to deal with. Not emotionally hard, seeing as how I feel apathetic and/or emotionless, but difficult to push through and move forward. Joy, peace, excitement, conflict, remorse, etc.. I am having difficultly feeling any of those currently and have for a little while.
The concerns come to mind when I do something that I know I shouldn’t, let’s say having a cigarette. The entire time I might be having one (I quit last August and even the thought of one triggers that habit very easily for me) I know I shouldn’t have it. I know that I might be causing myself to kind of “relapse” and it will be harder for me to not be tempted to buy them or want them. I know the physical effects of it on my health and while I might have one anyway, knowing all of these things, I do not feel remorse regarding it. I do ask for forgiveness for it, but what good is that without actually seeking repentance through remorse? It feels as though I might as well not ask for it to begin with if I don’t really mean it. I suppose the knowledge base is there, knowing that I shouldn’t do that and why, despite the feeling basis so that’s something.
At first I wondered if this situation might be results of another “something” from my past or about my habits, behavior, or outlook that needs to be changed. Something I have written before about God healing different parts of me. However, the longer time goes by while nothing is revealed concerning healing in my life the more I realize it’s just a form of warfare.
Not long ago I started feeling more of a need to spend more time praying and speaking with God. More time in my prayer closet, if you will. I used to speak to Him more continually but have kind of fallen out of that habit. Anyway, I started feeling the need and was even told He wanted me to spend more time with him than I have been. Of course looking at it now I see what is going on (the warfare) and although it’s frustrating, it’s something that I will have to continue to pray about and wait for this entrapment to be taken away. To be freed from the nets.
It’s something I need help pushing through, and let me tell you, apathy is not easy to push through with a lack of will power.
In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust;
let me never be ashamed:
deliver me in thy righteousness.
Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily:
be thou my strong rock,
for an house of defence to save me.
For thou art my rock and my fortress;
therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.
Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me:
for thou art my strength.
Into thine hand I commit my spirit:
thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.