More About Me

I thought I would take the time to share a little more about myself and my life.
I live with my parents after several failed relationships that caused me to move back home. I’ve been married and divorced, both of which didn’t last very long.

I make my own toothpaste, deodorant, and don’t use shampoo or conditioner. I still clean my hair but through means of rinses with baking soda and then another with vinegar and lavender oil (it works better and I don’t have to wash my hair every other day, usually only twice a week now). I like making my own supplies of things out of more natural and cheaper ingredients instead having to depend on expensive products full of chemicals.
I do not wear make up anymore and do not feel a need to. I have never had my ears pierced even though given the options to do so. I have a tattoo on my left wrist of a flower and I hope to remove it someday.

I crochet and enjoy making little dolls or stuffed animals. Sometimes I sell them if they’re requested. I always enjoyed math and science (understanding how things work or fit together). I view crocheting in this manner when attempting to create something in a certain shape.

My dog is one of the loves of my life and after losing one that the Lord told me he was taking, I cling to the one I have now with all that I’ve got. I easily get worried about him if he’s not feeling well or has a minor injury of some kind. He’s my baby and a 75lb lap dog.

I like thrift stores and hate shopping malls. I have a love for various knick knacks and metal containers. I’m thrifty with my money and refuse to pay regular store prices for many items, unless I’m forced to.

I’m the youngest of three. I’m not close to my brother as he does not talk to our family anymore. My sister and I have difficulties in our relationship. My family has a difficult time understanding some of my interests, passions, and/or some of the spiritual aspects that have come up for me over the last year.

Last year I quit my job and I depend on the Lord for help with my finances. He still amazes me with the way he provides for me.

I’ve always had a love for drawing even though I am severely underdeveloped in that area. I used to draw pictures of various house hold items (coffee maker comes to mind) and sell them for a nickel at the craft show my mother hosted. I believe that may have only happened once, if I’m recalling it correctly.

I do not watch movies or TV if I’m able to avoid them. This past year I gave those up in order to pull myself more away from the world and to focus more on my relationship with God. God has been calling us to remove ourselves from the world and entertainment is merely just that: entertainment. It’s a distraction in life that I do not miss very often.
I also quit playing video games, though I was good at them, sold my Wii (Still have an Xbox I need to sell), and got rid of any computer games I owned.
I threw away, burned, and/or destroyed items that I owned that has significance in the spiritual realm and dealt with demons. I did not know many of them at the time would cause the problems that they did. These items were not typically the kind that most would consider had any significance or occult backgrounds. You’d be surprised at some of the things you might own have demonic attachments and what having them on your property can do.

Though I used to almost constantly have it playing, I no longer listen to music. I find that it is something that can easily move someone, almost to their soul, which can sometimes be a good thing but also very dangerous. I believe that just like the entertainment industry the music industry is controlled by higher ups that seek to distract and entertain others from being productive or seeking truth. I do not trust music just because it is labeled “Christian.” Many of us should already know that Satan works within the Christian world as well and he will use any means to keep us from being efficient for Christ. Music can especially be used to alter the sub-conscious and introduce ideas God is against. It can also be used as a form of hypnotism. (Hey, don’t write me off completely on being a conspiracy nut without checking it out for yourself and praying about it.)

I do not believe that the people in charge of our country or this world, our government and the higher-ups, have our best interests in mind. I believe many believers will go through the tribulations spoken of in Revelations (as well as by other prophets) will include believers. I believe the rapture is a man-made belief that was not taught prior to Darby and that part of the strong delusion and falling away spoken of in the Bible is referring to those who believe they will not have to go through any tribulations. God didn’t take Noah and his family away from the earth but put an ark around them to protect them. There are many examples as to why the Lord needs us here and why He will not take us away that I believe is missed by others that want an easy way out. We’re already told the path we choose when we choose the Lord is not an easy path.

For a long time my favorite color was brown though I appreciate various color combinations.
I love the fall but have learned to regret the spring as it quickly fades into Texas heat.
I was home schooled for most of my life until attending a self-paced private school. After I was pulled out of that for getting into things I shouldn’t have, I was placed in public school which I found completely terrifying. I was later back in a private school that was again self-paced, eventually left there claiming I would home school myself, and after a while took my GED to get it all over with.

I have never attended college and it has taken a long time to accept that, despite what society tells you, you’re not a failure for not having degrees. I do not believe that my lack of college education means that I am uneducated though I do not have a piece of paper to prove it to the world. I do not believe that you must be educated by the world’s standards to learn from or teach others.

I have many struggles and by no means am perfect.
In the past I struggled with sexual lusts and smoking. Actually I still struggle concerning smoking though I was doing well for quite a while. I have trouble saying no to temptations, especially those of smoking.

I have trust issues and don’t allow many people to get close to me. I have grown up never having many friends and the few I do have I consider family. I do not believe many people are interested in getting to know me and some parts of my life; I share despite that. When someone does seem interested I am automatically skeptical, hesitant, and distrusting of them. When receiving compliments I automatically will be polite but reject that such statements could be true in my head. I have social anxiety and do not do well in large groups unless accompanied by someone close to me. I do not like being the center of attention.

Due to learning to come away from what many call “the church” I no longer know who to trust concerning many different topics. My trust issues lead me to have difficulties in trusting certain areas of some experiences others may share with me. Many of these evolve around things that we are not told much of biblically and I do not have a basis to go on. I have underdeveloped discernment that, while a work in progress, my trust issues still get in the way of. I have trouble believing that the gifts that I have, either physical or spiritual, are meaningful or useful for my life. I recognize they are from the Lord but have difficulties believing that I will be useful for Him.

I do not believe I am loved by many people or that I am worth much despite what I am told. I do not hold myself in very high regard and have numerous insecurities. I have compared my lack of self-worth to being more on par with the worth of animals than humans.
I have trouble believing and trusting that Jesus wants a personal relationship with me because He thinks that I’m special. I do not understand why the Lord loves me and often times feel that I may, in fact, reject the truth of that love due to seeing it as an impossibility in regards to myself.

I have numerous fears and a lot of pain. I have too much heartache. Due to personal pain I easily take things people say or do personally. I have issues forgiving others with no apology and especially have issues forgiving myself.

In some ways I’m still afraid of what lurks in the dark, much like a child who refuses to ever let one of their limbs hang off the bed at night in fear that something will grab them. I have trouble with giving up control, letting go of my issues and/or fears.
I go through a lot of spiritual warfare and oppression. I can sometimes be sensitive to the presence of things of God or the devil.

I can walk the walk and talk the talk and in phases I feel nothing but numbness. That is not to say all of my experiences of heart-felt thoughts are not things I may actually believe. I can write about common issues that relate to me and how to avoid or fix them but have a difficult time keeping them in practice.

I question everything due to lack of trust or lack of understanding. I feel I must understand something and the reasons behind it causing me to be hesitant to act (that’s problematic with God).
I have a hard time letting things go and leaping without first seeing where I’m going. I ask too many questions instead of trusting or having faith.

I doubt very easily. I have trouble holding on to faith surrounding issues that are personal to me or my family, especially when it comes to my own prayers. I struggle with wanting to give up before trying; to run away instead of confronting myself or my own issues.

What can be said about all of this in regards to deliverance is that I need deliverance from myself.

Though it’s difficult to show others what areas you are struggling with, I felt lead to share some of my biggest issues. I’m sure I missed quite a few. These are things that either are a work in progress or need to be. I am by no means perfect.. but despite all the fears, pain, and disbelief in myself I want to strive to be perfect for my God and my King. It will take time.
These are the issues that have been coming up for me lately. Most of them can be bundled together and they can be incredibly overwhelming to handle.
I’m not looking for a pity party with what I am sharing. I felt a need to share these very intimate details about myself, even if they are simply for me to help deal with them. Even as I post this I am nervous about those who may read it.

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5 thoughts on “More About Me

  1. Breathe. We all go through this in some way. When God brings something up, He wants to deal with it. We can’t fix ourselves, so we need to give it to Him. All you need to do is say,”Here. Take it and fix it. Thank you.” We think we can do something about it because our foolish human pride tells us we’re in control of ourselves. I get the trust issues, the lack of self-esteem and all of that (I live there, too) Graham Cooke is a good one to listen to about how much God loves us and why. We do have to be extremely careful about what we listen to and what is behind things. He’s safe. As for the rest, believe that God will fix it. You’re still early in your walk; it gets better in time as you let God deal with your junk. Ask the Holy Spirit to clean it out of you; that’s part of what He does. Tell yourself a dozen or so times a day that you are loved by God. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. I had a pastor say, “Faith comes by hearing and hearing and hearing…” The devil made us believe the lie by repeating it to us constantly. We can begin to believe the truth when we do the same.

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    • There are many things that I’m still trying to give over to Him. Some of them I ask Him to take and they get brought right back up to bug me. Of course that probably means I haven’t fully dealt with them either but at the same time with not knowing how or how God wants me to it’s a bit of a mess.
      I don’t know if I’ve heard of Graham Cooke (I keep wanting to type Cookie instead of Cooke), I’ll have to look him up. I do know that anytime I have ever listened to David Wilkerson it’s always deeply moved my heart, especially the amount of conviction you could tell he had. (Had because he’s with the Lord now, though I just learned about him more recently.)
      For me, in believing God loves me, I do believe he loves me but I do not understand why. It’s a problem with self-worth and being undeserving. Very difficult to tell yourself you are deserving of love and believe it.

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  2. None of us are deserving of what He gives; the hard part is believing that He wants to give it to people like us. It takes time and hanging out with Him to really start to get it. Even after 21 years, I have my days, but it’s getting better. Remember what Peter said, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” Sometimes, that temptation is to believe God couldn’t possibly love us as we are, but He loved us so much that He sent His son to die for us – and then brought him back to life so we would have a new life. He doesn’t change; our feelings and our opinions might probably will, but He never changed His mind about how much He loves us.

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