I’m not exactly sure what to say but have the nagging feeling that the Lord has been trying to get me to write most of the day, which I haven’t really wanted to. The subject matter that has been coming up deals with rejection (both of others and self) and fear of rejection.
This weekend we went to a church that was having a weekend long revival. We only went to the service Sunday morning. One of the things that the guest speaker mentioned was how many believers believe that their bad outweighs God’s good. That statement hit a spot in me that made me realize that was one of the things that I commonly do. I get caught up on how “bad” or unworthy I am that it starts to feel as though it outweighs God’s goodness. In actuality it just causes me to lose sight of the truth of His goodness.
This also leads me into something that I have dealt with since I was a child. Rejection. Too often we are or can feel that we are rejected by others in some way. I would say that being rejected often leads to the feeling of rejection later on in other situations even if it is not actually what may be happening.
Rejection comes in many different forms, shapes, and sizes. Over years it can lead to a fear of rejection and pain, which leads to anger, which leads to rejecting others before you believe they have a chance to reject you. That’s not also including many other circumstances and situations of rejection as well as self rejection. Self rejection can easily step in after being or feeling you’ve been rejected.
That’s where I’ve been at on and off for most of my life – dealing with the pain and hurt causing me to reject others (or disregard them) before they have a chance to do the same to me, as well as dealing with the self rejection. The “I’m not good enough” syndrome, as I’ll refer to it today.
Looking back I can see where a lot of this rejection happened in my life. It started when I was younger and around my peers at church. Most would think that church should be the one place you could go to feel welcome and accepted and most of them would probably be wrong. I’m not saying every church is that way, I just happened to grow up in a lot of the ones that were that way.
Looking back I typically label myself as an awkward kid with no social skills. The “weird” girl. In actuality it wasn’t really me that put those labels on myself at first but others. I then looked to embrace it as I though I might as well if that’s how I was viewed. It’s not always an easy thing to accept when you’re little.
Since then rejection has turned into the lie of telling yourself you don’t need anyone else. You don’t need friends, you don’t need family, and you don’t need snotty, judgmental Christians in your life. Well, that’s true on the last one and although I have prayed against a desire and yearning to have friends and be accepted by others around me, the desire still remains.
As I said earlier, pain from rejection can turn into anger which can also lead to unforgiveness – especially on smaller circumstances or situations that should not be a big deal. Anger and unforgiveness can also lead to resentment.
It should be needless to say that Christ does not want us to live this way. He does not want us to live in pain (though at times we do have trials that help us grow), fear (mature love casts out fear), or rejection (He will never leave nor forsake us). The difficult part is knowing what to do with these things after they’re realized. I’ve gone through and prayed the Lord heal these areas of my life and my past. Maybe it’s more about timing and maybe there’s more for me to realize. Until then, I don’t know what else to say so I’ll end this here.