Today I am still tired. There has been a lot that has been brought up by the Lord concerning many different areas in my own life. Areas that need healing. When these things arise it can become so overwhelming at times that it feels as though all that happened was an even bigger mess was made. Thankfully Christ knows how to deal with all of this and I cannot question His methods – despite how I might feel. On top of it being overwhelming in myself there are other things that also are going on around me. Things I witness in spirit. Things that I can do nothing about but sit, pray, and continue to learn to be patient while the Lord sorts things out in others as well. Things have been difficult and it’s hard to know how to even deal with each moment as they arise.
I haven’t gotten much rest the last few days or weeks. I’m not even sure when things really started to begin. Days run together and the nights seem too short. I haven’t had much chance to rest or “catch up.”
Today I came home after spending some time with a friend who was in town. A bad headache put me to bed for a much needed rest. I didn’t even know how long I was asleep and finally awoke to one of the dogs making noise or needing to go out…Or maybe that was this morning.
I felt led to eat something. I ate the leftovers of what I cooked last night, sharing some with Nixon which kick started him to eat some of his own food. I started to try to ‘catch up’ on what everyone else has posted today and then Nixon got out some of his toys and demanding I play with him. We played for a while and I let him destroy one of his toys. He just seemed so pleased to do it and I thought “why not.” It’s still sitting in the floor as I haven’t bothered to care to clean up all the stuffing and left over bits of fabric.
I knew I needed to read my Bible today as I hadn’t yet and I didn’t yesterday either. First I started reading some posts others have shared of their own lives and what the Lord was speaking and sharing on. I was easily provoked through insecurities through some and broke down. I realized by this just how mentally drained I still am despite having a little more rest this afternoon.
God took the insecurities and thoughts away from me for now. I know I will have to deal with them eventually but it will only be by His hand and through His timing. A time for healing in those areas.
I was going to take a step outside but decided to pick up my Bible first. I feel I must first explain yesterday as well before continuing on with this post:
Yesterday after conversations with a close friend, I felt a burning in my heart to ask the Lord for a Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I was physically baptized as a child in church though I cannot recall having a spiritual baptism of the Holy Spirit. I know this is something one could not easily forget.
I came in and sat down on the couch to pray. I tried my best to ignore the dogs barking out the front window (probably at nothing). I sat for a while and the encouragement of receiving this of the Lord came and went. I knew in my heart that this is something the Lord wants for me and I confessed that I knew and believed that with all my heart. Eventually I asked Him if it was something that would happen that day or even in that moment. I felt the answer “Not today.” I was at first a little upset by this and slightly disappointed, but I know it is all His timing and I respect that. A loving and close friend also pointed out to me that He already knows I’m exhausted and maybe this is why.
That helped me a lot (and thank you for sharing that).
My parents are currently out of town visiting family and I am house and dog sitting for them while they are away. I thought of them coming back and everything falling back into place the way it was before they left. Mom sitting in front of her laptop with the TV on, Dad going to work and the same weird awkward conversations as no one here knows how to relate to the other. Me, traveling back and forth between this and Brandon’s house, where more spiritual warfare is always evident.
I don’t want to go back to these things. I don’t want things to “resume” the way they have always been or been for months or years (I’m not even sure). I often wonder how much more of it I can handle in myself, but I know the Lord gets me through it.
As I was upset about this, and it happens more than I would like to admit, I decided to pick up my Bible which I had not read yet today, nor did I read yesterday.
I had been asking the Lord yesterday if I needed to start reading where led or if He wants me to continue reading the way I have been, which is from cover to cover and then rereading the New Testament over again. I was about to step outside when I decided to pick up my Bible instead. I asked to be led on what to read today but felt nothing, which at the time also slightly disappointed me. (I realize we can be led despite not “feeling” it)
I slowly started flipping through to a page marker I had placed sometime last year when I was reading in the New Testament. I had drawn an arrow on this page marker that was pointing down to the following verse:
And, behold, I send the promise of my Father upon you:
but tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem,
until ye be endued with the power from on high.
The LORD gave me understanding for this as I read it.
What is Jerusalem? The city of God. His Bride. The place in which He places His name. A place of dwelling.
Spiritually, I am to tarry in Jerusalem, with Him. I am to keep doing this while I am awaiting for the power from on high.
This is a spiritual walk, a place to be with Him in Spirit.
Though physically I am tired of the conditions around me (exhausted, really) I am to tarry with Him in His dwelling place, in spirit, while I wait for the receiving of the Baptism of the Holy Ghost; the power from on high.
I don’t mean for this post to sound like so much whining. There was so much I didn’t want to share but I felt nudged to do so and that which I am told I must do. So forgive me if I sound as if I’m only complaining, that is not the point of this post.
And they worshipped him, and returned to Jerusalem with great joy:
And were continually in the temple, praising and blessing God. Amen.