One night, maybe a year or two ago (I’m not sure on the timing, it was quite a while back) I laid in my bed talking to the Lord, as I often do before trying to drift off to sleep. I remember I had recently been complaining to Him and venting all that was on my heart – all that I saw wrong with this world; all the corruption and lack of faith. I did the same thing that I still do from time to time when overwhelmed. I told Him I wanted to “come home.” I have a strong desire to be closer to Him and every day it grows. I find myself at times so frustrated and exasperated that I just want to leave it behind so I can finally be with Him. He’s all I want, or so I thought at the time.
On this night as I started to talk to Him I looked up and saw the stars and the heavens. I saw so many beautiful colors mixed throughout the stars. All I can compare it to in this earth are some of the photos that have been taken of space. I also saw the heavens open, One seated though I could not see a throne, and I saw a multitude of others surrounding Him. He was looking down to me, they all were, and He asked me if I wanted to come up there.
I was afraid. I looked down to see my dog, Nixon, curled up beside me on the bed. I have a lot of emotional attachment to him and I believe he was left to me from the Lord. I looked at Nixon and thought of how much I would miss him. I then also thought and told the Lord, “No, there’s too much work to be done.”
I regretted this for a very long time. I felt so much guilt because I recognized that I looked towards Nixon and thought of how I would miss him. I thought “who would take care of him?” and then after this I remembered the work the Lord still has for me to do here. I put my dog, my emotional attachment, before His work.
I regretted this for a very long time, though I know He is forgiving and He alone understands where I have been at and what I have been through in my life. Of course, me being me, I would not accept these things as an excuse.
I didn’t realize until sometime after this, days or months maybe, that I had mistaken what He meant. I had thought He meant to take me from this world given the fact that I had recently been venting my frustrations and telling Him I wished to “come home” to be with Him. For a long while I felt as though I had missed my chance all because of my lack of understanding and because I put my dog first. I was eventually told “not to worry about it” and most all attempts of encouragement from others concerning this never seemed to ease my mind.
It took me a while to fully understand and BELIEVE that I will be given more chances in this area and I hope and pray I will not have fear because of my lack of understanding of these matters. They are all very new to me; areas I could not fathom before this new and very real walk with Christ. Never would I have thought or expected such things in my old way of thinking.
My God is not a God of only one chance, He is a God of multiple chances and He will always offer us more as we continue to seek Him.
So I have been encouraged in this area quite a bit recently. The Lord has also placed me on the path of healing, along side with a new and loving friend who also stands beside me, and I her. We are both on a journey together and together with the Lord as He helps us sort out our pasts and heals us of our wounds.
I am so ever thankful for the LORD in this and I am so thankful she has been placed in my life. I have also repented of what happened in the past and putting my dog before Him (even if I misunderstood, it still happened). I’ve had a lot of peace about it more recently and a lot of hope. I no longer put my dog first but the LORD and even while I know there is still work for me to do here…
He is truly all I want.
And I looked forward to more chances.