I’ve been upset this evening over quite a few things. One of which was something revealed to my boyfriend about what it is I’m supposed to be doing. Though I am incredibly grateful that I understand more clearly my situation and what I need to be working on, I am still frustrated that it wasn’t revealed to me throughout my prayers and requests. But I also know that maybe I wasn’t fully able to listen.
Often I go through times where I feel that my prayers are heard but there is something hindering me from being able to hear clearly or at all any responses to what I might be praying about. Most of the responses I might get are so slight that I can’t tell if they’re a form of my subconscious answering what I think the Lord would say on one matter or another. I try to clear my mind and be open to whatever answer I may get, trying not to allow my thoughts to sway one way or another, but in the end I’m still not certain. I understand that there are times when we wont have clear answers, don’t get me wrong, but lately it’s been a lot more foggy than usual. When I do feel compelled one way more than the other I typically go ahead with what I felt compelled for, asking all the while that if I’m incorrect in doing so that I will be corrected so I can resolve it.
I am a fixer. I like to fix things and resolve issues as soon as they come up. This can be incredibly frustrating when dealing with situations of patience, especially in regards to my own life. I am typically a patient person with others and will pray that they will come around to whatever it is the Lord might be speaking about, but lately I’ve been worried about this foggy communication.
I was driving around tonight with my dog, just to get out of the house, and decided to turn down a street of the new part of the neighborhood they are building. When we originally moved here it was an area owned by farmers and within the last year or two they have sold a portion of their land for others to build up a newer residential area within our neighborhood. Of course, I didn’t like this idea at first because they also tore out a lot of trees that covered one side of the street, and most of the houses they are putting in are miniature mansion in style (though they’re not that big).
It occurred to me tonight as I was driving around in this that it felt darker than usual. I got a sense that the air was thick and hard to breathe. I had already wondered, before taking the left turn into this new section of the neighborhood, if there might be new spiritual beings (demonic) that might also be moving in. If you think about it in the context of them working against and harassing those who are un-believers (not to say that us as Christians aren’t ever harassed or bothered) it kind of makes sense.
If felt dark and a bit unnerving to be driving through there. I can’t say that most of this was due to some of the houses still being in skeleton form, since I’ve been around houses and buildings being built or under construction before, and this didn’t feel the same. I also considered the fact that it’s dark out and things can easily seem creepier in the dark. It wasn’t that.
After leaving this area and making another left turn out to one of the main roads towards my street, the air didn’t feel quite as heavy.. until I got home. Continue reading
(Backdate: 6/10/14 7:13 PM)
Lately I’ve been thinking more about our other means of discernment in our relationship with the Lord.
How as you walk with Him and start to grow in your spiritual life, you will come to learn the difference between your own thoughts, God’s thoughts, and thoughts that are placed by the His enemies.
One thing I would encourage everyone to do when they ask God about something is to wait for the answer. Don’t assume that the first thought that comes into your head is your answer. That can easily be your own feelings coming to you subconsciously after you’ve been trying to figure out what to do or think about something.
God will usually take time to get to you (not every time). I believe that in a way, it’s Him allowing us to be tested to make sure that we’re really seeking what He has to say about things and not just going ahead with what we want to hear. We typically want to be validated in what we’re doing, or at least I know I do. So in having to wait for an answer, it typically unfolds before us without us even realizing it.
For example, you might find yourself telling God that you’d really like to give up drinking soft drinks and ask what He thinks about it. Since you didn’t get a quick response, like you were hoping for, you might continue throughout your week, only to find that throughout the week you’ve suddenly not really felt like having a Coke. That it doesn’t seem as refreshing and you start to feel bogged down anytime you have one.
God works in so many ways. I’d say most of the time we don’t even realize how He has worked in our lives.
Back to what I was originally writing about, it’s very important to seek Him every day. I’ve found, through my walk with Him that there are a lot of times that I’ll sit and question my decision on something. Either due to feeling I’ve lost something, someone argues the points I’ve previously made, or I find myself questioning if I’ve made the wrong decision. I’ve come to realize that what God is telling me versus my own thoughts or feelings, the thoughts or feelings of others, or the thoughts of the enemy, is a easier to distinguish if you’re actually reading your Bible and talking to Him everyday.
Lately I’ve even had doubts about my previous opinions of the church I had been going to. I realized fairly quickly that it wasn’t the actual church, going every Sunday, that I missed, but the fellowship with other believers and the feeling of God’s presence. The excitement for God in our lives and feeling His presence that you might notice you have more of when you get together with certain people during fellowship. But even when hanging out with fellow believers outside of the church you can feel the same way. Even talking to someone about how great God is and what He’s doing in your life can change your entire day.
That’s what I miss.
Often times it seems you can be too close with one person, or see some people so often, that you forget you can have that same fellowship with them. I believe they have to be in the mindset for it the same as you need to be in the mindset yourself. You can’t force it on anyone, and if someone is too used to you on a different level, and not used to seeing you in a “let’s fellowship” kind of light, it can be difficult.
I still stand firmly in regards to my thoughts on LSM. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think real Christians attend their meetings and worship at their churches. It means that I don’t agree with everything that ministry says and their way of doing things.
I do want to apologize to anyone that might go to those churches if I have offended them. I just feel there’s way too much emphasis on some things and too much room to grow in others (that they don’t seem interested in growing in). And I am fully aware that that can be said about a LOT of churches out there. Hence the importance on working together and learning from each other.
I need to find where God wants me. Please be praying I’ll find this soon. If it comes to a wilderness season in that respect, then I’ll have to deal with that, but I would really rather it not. Those times are not easy to deal with and with everything else going on, I know it would be tough. Though nothing is too tough when you have the Lord and He always provides for our needs. But I’m also human and make mistakes, I stumble just like everyone else. That’s more of what I don’t want to deal with. I guess it comes down to putting yourself in the mind frame of pushing through it. It’s difficult at times when you feel you just went through those kind of things, but exciting when you realize all the things God has taught you after coming through the last one. That you’re always moving forward and on to better things, even if it takes you awhile to realize they’re better.
I still have doubts about the gift of discernment. I still feel that there are much more important people that would have it than me. Kind of the “why me?” feeling I guess. Or I just doubt it in the general sense of if I have it at all. Either way, things have been strange for me this year and I’m willing to move forward to where ever I need to be, God willing, to get things rolling for the Lord.
I’ve experienced things that I never thought I would (though secretly always desired to be aware of such things, helping others overcome in the name of Christ). Things that I thought only happened in the movies or in third world countries, or uninhabitable jungles. The reality of it all is that it’s all around us. We’re just so desensitized and have taken on this view of the world as if we’ve modernized too much for some things to still be around. Or people take on the attitude of “Oh, well I don’t believe that happens where we live.”
I pray that you all open your eyes. It’s all around you, you just have to see and realize it.