False Guilt from the Devil

Often times as time goes on I tend to forget a lot of the things of the past. I’m sure most people could say this. Typically I have a very good memory for things done or said in general and can recall or recount conversations on who said what, in what order, and so on.

This does not seem to always be the case, however. I find that in painful situations I tend to block out a lot of what was said or done most likely as a coping mechanism of not knowing how to deal with the pain.
When someone mentions being offended or hurt in by others I am instantly worried that I am included in that group of offenders. Then the devil comes in to try and accuse me, causing mass amounts of guilt and anxiety.
I have started to learn to try and stop, reflect, remember, and pray about these situations. If I cannot remember anything I might have said or done that cause someone else grief then I probably haven’t.
When the Lord corrects you on something you do, it is not through feelings of fear and anxiety. If I have not been corrected by the Lord then I probably don’t need correction in that area I am fretting over.

In the past I used to get caught up in that trick quite often. I would have past friendships that had fallen apart through hurt and disdain only to later forget most of what was said and felt I had done something terribly wrong. I would even sometimes reach out to some of these people to apologize and come to find out they were just as heartless to me when I sought forgiveness as they were when we parted ways. That is not to say I have never done or said anything wrong or that I have never accidentally or intentionally hurt anyone, though I try never to do that.

Either way, the devil will try to trick you by giving you false guilt and shame for things you had nothing to do with or things you had not even done. If you ever doubt in these situations ask the Lord for help and He will help you. He is our help in a time of trouble.

Psalms 91:1-16 KJV
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

Closer to the Shore

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgement.

God loves us, there’s no mistaking that. He’s there for us, even when we may not see or hear Him. He protects us, even if He allows certain things to happen to see how well we will depend on Him.

The last few days have felt kind very “blah” or grey for me. I get up, I read my Bible and try to focus and remember what I’m reading about, not reading as many chapters all at once like I used to (read about five a day right now), I also pray about things some and try to talk with Him during this time as well. Lately I’ve noticed that it has gotten harder for me to keep talking to him throughout the day while I’m doing whatever I might be doing (which isn’t much). Usually I’m quite the chatterbox and sometimes would make jokes that I bet He wishes I’d shut up some days, but lately I’ve not been able to focus on much of anything in regards to speaking to Him. My mind is always elsewhere, constantly trying to keep me occupied; staying busy because I don’t have much else to do.
More recently I was talking with Brandon about praying with authority, something I’m not very good at or have a lot of experience with on a normal basis, and I decided to start using Luke 10:19 during parts of my prayers  when asking the Lord to remove any negative and demonic spirits away from myself, my family, my house, and off of the property. I knew I had to take faith in this prayer and not do my typical, insecure way of thinking, of doubting that it worked. The last few days have felt a lot better; more peaceful. I told the Lord that I would pray that every day, with that verse, if I had to. The first day I asked Him to remove them for 24 hours and told Him I would pray again the next day.
I’ve been praying about that, and using that particular verse, for several days in a row now and some days twice.

Last night I awoke several times throughout the night which isn’t always normal for me, but I figured it was due to needing to get up and go to the bathroom. One of the times I woke up I was coming back into my bedroom from my bathroom when I suddenly started thinking (or feeling, rather) that there was something in the room. It came about so quickly that I figured it must have been in my head, which is likely, but the feeling that came with it was not something typically from me. That beginning of fear and panic as if something evil is right there, watching you, waiting and wanting to attack you. For some reason, in my head, I pictured it being a thin girl-like being with head slightly bowed with sandy blonde hair in her face. Later I realized that a part of it reminded me of myself from my past, though I can’t say that’s accurate either.
I got in bed and started to wonder if there was something there but quickly told myself it was probably my own imagination (which is pretty easily overactive). I also reminded myself that I had already prayed about it and asked Him to remove anything but I went ahead and prayed about it again anyway. After I prayed it felt better in the room and I went back to sleep.
I had Brandon ask about it today, as he gets more clear answers than I do at times, and it was that there was something in my room. He had mentioned before he asked about it that he wouldn’t be surprised as he had noticed things around his house lately as well.
Either way, I’m thankful for the discernment even if I did mistake it as being my fearful imagination. It still helped me learn that I need to pay attention to the timing of such things and consider all possibilities when trying to understand if it might be something there or myself getting worked up over a random, scary thought.
I was also told that what was in my room seemed to be “closer to the shore.” Brandon saw a map when he asked about these things and the location of what was in my room seemed closer to a shoreline than on the beach. In regards to my last post it seems to me that the thing in my room had more authority than what was usually lurking around trying to cause mischief. We both think that maybe this one was higher up, higher level, more powerful, or however you want to put it. I do not think it was there to try to hurt me but I think that any attack from that type might be more direct than the typical ones.
Of course I never actually see what they look like, it’s always as some sort of figure more perceived in my mind than a clear image of them. Brandon has seen a few, some that look like child sized shadows free-standing away from a wall and that kind of thing. I’ve seen a few things here and there but that was quite a long time ago. Typically I might hear something if they’re really trying to bother me and at one point I’ve smelled something, but that was months and months ago.

It’s a strange journey, but I can’t wait to get out of here. I’m thankful I have the Lord in my life and that He allows me to see what’s really around from time to time and I’m incredibly thankful for His discernment and teachings. I just pray that I don’t get so worn down and in a battle of lack of faith more than I have. It’s time to be prepared, aware, and cling tight to the Lord.

Imagery attacks

Note: I had made this password protected but have decided to undo that. I still have a lot of issues of fear due to this experience and have had a lot of nightmares because of it, but still feel it’s important either way.

Imagery attacks

I was laying on my bed to take a nap this afternoon, on my back, Nixon laying on my right side where he normally sleeps. Suddenly I had a mental image of a thin women, light grey skin (almost looked like a zombie but without loss of skin or showing blood anywhere), shoulder length scraggly hair (as if it was wet, though it wasn’t), wearing a dirty, old, faded sun dress. Her mouth was open very wide and while open was about the size of a really large grapefruit. I could see her teeth around her open mouth, dirty and decaying, with a slight smile across her face. She had a crazed look about her, especially in the face.

She was standing next to the side of my bed, around where Nixon sleeps and I was against the wall, leaning over as if to attack me with her hands. I don’t know if the intent was to strangle me, scratch me, bite me.. All I know is that she was going to attack me, I was putting up a fight, holding off her hands, while looking for my knife. I remember thinking that I “would stab her to see if she was real or a demon.”
I had to remind myself that if she were a real person Nixon would be barking at her as she came in the room. If she were a demon she could have just shown up without him noticing. He didn’t bark during these moments.
I opened my eyes, as I had been awake the whole time, and began to pray that those images would leave me so I could rest. They went away and didn’t return until I was waking up, though the second time they weren’t as strong in my mind. I would normally say it could have been my sub conscious bringing this imagery back to mind but I don’t believe that is the case. I had just been having some very weird, detailed dreams when I thought I heard my mom’s dog messing with the backdoor blinds, wanting outside. I heard this sound a couple of times but when I went into the living room where she was, she was no where near the door. In fact, she was sitting at the front windows in the dinning room. It could have been that I took just long enough for her to go from the back door to the front of the house but it didn’t seem that likely. She doesn’t move very fast, but I know that sound. Maybe I took too long to get up to check on her and didn’t realize it.

This imagery kept bothering me slightly after I woke up. I don’t know what kind of nature of the thing that put it there (as I know it wasn’t from my own mind). I understand the general nature and intent of such things but I’m not sure about this specific type. I wish I could understand it all more. Or learn more someday; right now it’s confusing.

I have had a similar experience when going into my garage to leave for work in morning. That time it was a man, crazed expression on his face, grinning with teeth showing, longer-scraggly hair, arms reaching out, coming to attack me. I remember seeing what looked like small boils or blisters covering most of his face near and around his mouth, his arms slightly buff as he wasn’t as tall as Brandon but was pretty stocky or “built”. It happened so suddenly in my mind that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. After that I still turn the garage light on before going in there while leaving.

These mental images are far too detailed and random to be that of my own imagination. Even during times when walking to my car and randomly thinking about what I would do if someone walked around to attack me, the images I have in my head are never detailed. They’re very basic unless I make an effort to give them detail. These are different. They are not of my own mind. It’s like seeing something out of a horror movie you’ve never actually watched. Something that you have no idea how you could ever come up with the images from your own imagination unless you were actually trying.

After getting up I began to feel a little off. The only way I could describe it was, “I feel wrong.” I was starting to feel irritable, upset, and wanting to just go and cry. Anytime I felt like crying I would feel incredibly sad and not actually have anything to cry about, or anything to be sad about for that matter.

I prayed that if God was teaching me something or trying to show me something, He would. I prayed that I understand He is in control and will take care of me regardless of how I feel/felt. That if He wasn’t trying to teach or show me something that these things would leave me alone. I know they’re aware of me to some extent. I don’t know if them bothering me is more just for their own amusement, trying to bring me down, or if they’re trying to hinder me from something specific. I wish I could say that I know what this situation was about or that God would just speak to me and tell me so I could understand. I don’t feel I’ve heard anything about it other than noticing Him calming me down a little. I still feel a little sensitive right now but I guess that can be expected given the circumstances.

Driving Around to Think

I’ve been upset this evening over quite a few things. One of which was something revealed to my boyfriend about what it is I’m supposed to be doing. Though I am incredibly grateful that I understand more clearly my situation and what I need to be working on, I am still frustrated that it wasn’t revealed to me throughout my prayers and requests. But I also know that maybe I wasn’t fully able to listen.
Often I go through times where I feel that my prayers are heard but there is something hindering me from being able to hear clearly or at all any responses to what I might be praying about. Most of the responses I might get are so slight that I can’t tell if they’re a form of my subconscious answering what I think the Lord would say on one matter or another. I try to clear my mind and be open to whatever answer I may get, trying not to allow my thoughts to sway one way or another, but in the end I’m still not certain. I understand that there are times when we wont have clear answers, don’t get me wrong, but lately it’s been a lot more foggy than usual. When I do feel compelled one way more than the other I typically go ahead with what I felt compelled for, asking all the while that if I’m incorrect in doing so that I will be corrected so I can resolve it.
I am a fixer. I like to fix things and resolve issues as soon as they come up. This can be incredibly frustrating when dealing with situations of patience, especially in regards to my own life. I am typically a patient person with others and will pray that they will come around to whatever it is the Lord might be speaking about, but lately I’ve been worried about this foggy communication.
I was driving around tonight with my dog, just to get out of the house, and decided to turn down a street of the new part of the neighborhood they are building. When we originally moved here it was an area owned by farmers and within the last year or two they have sold a portion of their land for others to build up a newer residential area within our neighborhood. Of course, I didn’t like this idea at first because they also tore out a lot of trees that covered one side of the street, and most of the houses they are putting in are miniature mansion in style (though they’re not that big).
It occurred to me tonight as I was driving around in this that it felt darker than usual. I got a sense that the air was thick and hard to breathe. I had already wondered, before taking the left turn into this new section of the neighborhood, if there might be new spiritual beings (demonic) that might also be moving in. If you think about it in the context of them working against and harassing those who are un-believers (not to say that us as Christians aren’t ever harassed or bothered) it kind of makes sense.
If felt dark and a bit unnerving to be driving through there. I can’t say that most of this was due to some of the houses still being in skeleton form, since I’ve been around houses and buildings being built or under construction before, and this didn’t feel the same. I also considered the fact that it’s dark out and things can easily seem creepier in the dark. It wasn’t that.
After leaving this area and making another left turn out to one of the main roads towards my street, the air didn’t feel quite as heavy.. until I got home. Continue reading

Desiring to Help

One thing that has to be remembered about the gift of discernment is that you won’t always feel like it’s “turned on.” There are times when you won’t notice or feel anything at all which is when you have to be especially careful. Your shouldn’t let all of your focus be on what’s going on around you, almost as if you’re paranoid, but should be open to God’s revealing and not lose sight or trust in Him.
I often go back and forth in my head about the gift of discernment, wondering if I really was given that through the Holy Spirit or if I was just experiencing some much more evident warfare going on. In the past I have had it confirmed while praying about it but still ask “why me?” I feel there are much more deserving people out there that wouldn’t seem to fall so quickly or allow such fears to hinder them, but maybe that’s a part of the reason for it all. Maybe it’s God’s way of speaking to my heart so that I will continually grow in Him and seek His will for my life.

I can’t even express to you the amount of desire I have to help others going through demonic bondage. I feel there’s a part of me that has always had that desire, even before I knew anything about spiritual gifts. I would love to be able to go to others to help them, through prayer, realize what it is that is “haunting” them or causing them such grief. To help them into coming to the Lord and realizing just how Awesome He really is.
I would love to realize when the enemy is at work and help others understand the nature that they do their works in this world; for God to reveal what it is we’re up against and how important it is that we continually work on our relationship with Him, growing, learning to love others in such a worldly place, and seeking His guidance in everything.

I’ve met some people around me that seem to have a lot more going on than they’re likely to admit. I’ve met some that seem completely untrustworthy and feel I need to stay away from them, only to realize there is more going on in their lives than anyone might realize. That they are most likely being deceived in what they’re thinking or feeling is going on but don’t realize how dangerous some things can be. I’ve met those who are so blinded by the ways of this world they’re not even open to hear any aspects of God working in someone’s life. I’ve met some who have such hardened hearts that I don’t know if they’ll ever come around to what God has given us. It breaks my heart to witness these things and if there’s any way that God can use me to help those around me, I am completely willing to do so.

While reading about the fear of the LSM group taking over churches in India and deceiving those around them, someone wrote “It is something that concerns our spiritual life and we should not take it lightly.” That quote has stuck with me on and off since I’ve read it and it’s all too true. You don’t fully even know how easily your spiritual life can be effected by the things around you. How one little entrance of something ungodly or worldly can cause you to start to slip and not see what it is you’re supposed to be doing. That’s one of the import reasons we need to read our Bibles everyday and talk to the Lord every day, being open to His guidance.

I will admit that over the last week or so I felt as though I shouldn’t be writing anymore. That I was letting it distract me from what God wanted me to be working on and that I needed to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. What if I AM doing what I’m supposed to be doing? This morning I had a strong sense of urgency to write, to communicate my thoughts on what has been going on with me, and now I realize that the enemy has once again been working on making me feel lost. Making me feel as though there’s all this important stuff I’m supposed to be working on but it’s all my fault that I don’t feel God is telling me what it is. The truth is that I might be doing just what I’m supposed to be doing. I need to remember that I need to keep up what I do and wait on the word of the Lord to tell me otherwise. I will no longer feel guilty for taking the time to write, especially since that is usually the way that I come to a lot of realizations about what God might be trying to tell me in the first place.

I’m sorry if what I write comes off as a little confusing at times, and honestly I don’t expect anyone to read it. I’ve told Brandon before that most of what I write might seem very personal for me and I’m not usually one to tell everyone every little thing I’m struggling with, but I feel there is an importance to let others know they’re not alone. There are others out there that go through difficult or strange things. And whether anyone reads it or not, at least I got to come to God given conclusions about matters at hand.

In Moments of Silence

I had a night of strange dreams; some of these dreams woke me up at 4 AM and I typed a general about them into my phone. Overall they seemed to be about taking care of people. Some were rescued, some were just lost, and I was trying to help them and provide a safe place where they could learn about God.

After I got up this morning I started to feel as though I had slight anxiety. I can’t think of anything subconsciously that would make me anxious and I haven’t had any caffeine that could be causing false feelings of this by raising my heart rate. (Typically if that happens I’ve had to have a ton of caffeine throughout the day.)

I have an overall sense of urgency for some reason. Not sure if it’s just in my head or an urgency from the Lord or even something from the enemy trying to cause effect.

The last week I felt completely off, having moments where I felt that no matter how much I prayed God was just too far away, as if there was something blocking us from being able to communicate. I know this is not possible as God hears all, especially his children. I had been asking questions about the faith of others that seem to only do minimal work in their relationship with Him, as if that’s actually all that is needed. I know in my head and heart that I have felt the difference in being closer to Him and having a good communication going. It was almost as if I was being told, “Oh, you want to know what it’s like being distant from Me? Okay, here you go!”
It was horrible. I found myself yearning for that closeness again and fearing I would never find it.

After time went by I began to feel that maybe it wasn’t just God causing that separation and, given the way the enemy has worked against us before, it could very well be something so slight and so well hidden that I couldn’t tell the enemy was near. I prayed that God would take away anything near me that would be causing such feelings; making me feel as though He could just barely hear me and I definitely couldn’t hear Him. The feelings were lifted and I’ve had to realize just how sneaky the enemy can be.

Over the last few months I’ve had to deal with a lot of strange happenings as far as spiritual warfare. By “strange” I mean that I’ve seen, felt, perceived, heard, and even smelled results of the enemy being close to me. At the time I was not only working on repairing my relationship with the Lord but also working on a study about the spiritual gifts that we receive through the Holy Spirit (I believe a lot of people don’t realize what theirs are and that they need to be used to build up the church; the Body of Christ), and I took this warfare as a sign that the enemy didn’t want me to encourage others to have tools that would go against their own plans. Of course now, I realize that it’s not only that but the fact that they don’t want anything to happen that would glorify God and help bring more to Him.

This week I have found myself in a constant mind frame of desperation in what direction I need to be going in. Where God wants me to be, what He wants me to be doing, and how I can get started. I continually have to try to get myself to realize that maybe He just hasn’t revealed it to me yet because I’m either not quite ready or because it’s not the right time. It feels like a lot will be happening in the near future (hopefully that’s just not my overactive mind causing me to feel that way) and I want to be prepared. The thing I need to remember is that God will always be my provider. He will always take care of me and no matter how prepared I might think I am, I have nothing without Him.

Watch out for the enemy. They truly are a brood of vipers, hiding in plain sight, waiting to sneak by without you ever realizing. As time has gone on I have had to learn just how diverse their attacks can be, how well hidden it can be (or not), and how much they can make you think you’re the one doing something wrong to cause you to separate from the Lord. Even now while I’m reading what I just wrote it feels like a battle in my head trying to justify that it was probably my doubt, a lack of trust, causing that separation; I truly have been praying that God would use me, speak to me, clarify and show me what I need to be doing. I have been praying to be able to listen, concentrate on Him, and that I’m willing to do whatever He wants or needs me to. Maybe it was not only the silence of not being the right time but also my impatience but you can tell when the enemy tries to use those things against you.

Please be praying that I will continue to look for the Lord in everything. That I will not become distracted and will be open to listen to Him for anything that I need to be doing, as I am completely willing, though I know He has told me the time has not yet come for that.