Discouraged and Rejection (a letter)


I’m sorry for this morning – and for last night. I’ve been discouraged about everything and instead of bringing it all to You I’ve been trying to ignore it. I know it’s out of my control. I think I do that sometimes because I’m ashamed to admit it (again). I’m ashamed to admit it because I feel I should know better and have the faith that opposes it. I hate getting discouraged over and over and fear disapproval if I can’t seem to get my faith in the right areas.
I know this is foolish in thought. You are my God and my friend. You alone know my heart better than I do.
I am weak, Lord. I want to be someone You take joy in and I always fear disappointing You. I guess I mostly fear that You will get tired of my problems and complaining when they arise and that I will be rejected because of weaknesses. I know these fears stem from my relationship with my dad and every male relationship I have ever had. I know also they stem from others as well but that’s the first that comes to mind.
I’m afraid to show weakness which is why I try to be so strong…

But I am not strong.

I know that You are the only one that gives me strength and I need to depend on You.
I know that I will be healed of all wounds concerning rejection and trust (as well as all others) as long as I allow You to work in me and through me in all areas.

That control is difficult to give up, Lord.
You get so used to burying it because you don’t want to feel the pain it has caused you, but even then, the symptoms make their way through and effect you in ways you’re not always fully aware of. They end up causing more issues that you cannot place the root of the problem…
I guess just like a tree – roots are always buried.

I’m sorry I haven’t been coming to You more and I know that’s not good stewardship or even a good friendship on my part.
I ask You to forgive me.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that You are unlike anyone I have ever met in my lifetime.
You are loving and kind.
You are patient and gentle.
You are holy and pure.
You are righteous and my Salvation.
You alone are worthy and True.
You wont push me away, even if I try to push You away at times due to my own hurt.

Lord, I long for your embrace and comfort.

I’m tired of feeling so alone and rejected. I’m tired of being the kind of person, deep down, that pushes others away (I know it’s due to fears of rejection and pain).
I want to be loving to others the way You are.
I want to be righteous the way You are.
I want to be giving and full of faith towards all that You give me and do.
I want to have hope and faith that leaps and bounds over anything that arises.
I want to be there when You call me and say, “Here I am”
I want to not be afraid to say “send me.”
I want to stand on a mountain of faith with You.

Lord, I was healed of my fear of abandonment. I pray also to be healed of rejection and the fear of rejection. Please lead and guide my steps. Take my hand when I stumble and lift me back up. Lead me across each step. Let me not fall, O Lord my God and my King.

I know this goes back to rejection in the womb. You’ve pointed that out to me before.
I don’t know how deep it will all go but I pray You will be at my side the entire way.

I have to let You lead in all things in my life – I wouldn’t know where to start anyway.
You know what’s best for me and I give all things to You. I’ll try not to resist when You bring something up or bring something to my attention. Please let me know when it is You – You know how the enemy loves to try to poke those wounds.
I ask for protection from them for myself and Brandon; for my family and his and all those we love that are sent by You.
Guard and prepare our hearts, Lord.

I love you. I don’t want to let You down or disappoint You.
Thank You for loving me beyond my understanding.
Thank You for forgiving me, for Your patience, and understanding.



Writing it out

I’ve felt nudged on and off to start writing again over the last few months. I stopped for awhile after going through a difficult time with some things I learned about my past that I was unaware of. I used to use writing as a way to express and vent my life’s situations and it did always seem to help.

The Lord has used writing as a means to help on a path of healing for me as well. The more I wrote the more came to mind and the more I felt better getting things off my chest.

It has not always been easy. The Lord had me write about my feelings of abandonment a few years ago. That was a hard topic to get out along with all the pent up emotions and hurt I’ve felt because of it; but what He showed me will always stick with me. He showed me that despite all the tears and pain I was going through He never left me. I could still feel His presence as my hands flew over the keyboard of my computer in a rage that the topic even had come up. I know there were plenty of ‘how dare you’s in there directed at Him because of bringing up that topic up… But He never left me. Through it I knew, in my heart, that He wouldn’t leave me. Even if I don’t always feel Him there He’s still there.

You always hear it from Christians and He said the same in the Bible; but it’s different truly experiencing that than just hearing it most of your life from people regurgitating the same thing over and over with that glossy look in their eyes that tells you they don’t understand what you’re going through.

With what I learned about my past I struggled greatly with writing. Fear came into play and I know the devil has had a field day with discouraging me from writing anything again.

After a while I didn’t know if the Lord even wanted me to write anymore. I felt for a season to wait. Things around here got busy and I would pray for the time to if that’s what He wanted but it didn’t slow down. I’m sure that was part of the plan. You can’t always spend every moment focusing on one thing because there’s a lot that still needs to be done…everywhere.

After awhile I would end up asking the Lord over and over if He wanted me to write and always felt He did but then I could never find a topic. I never had the words and finally told Him that He’d have to lead on that. This is all for Him anyway, to use as He sees fit (even if it’s somehow through my ramblings).

I realized today that the healing I was going through has slowed down and I know that’s because I haven’t been getting anything out. I’ve been stuck in the daily life routine of getting up, taking care of the rabbits, taking care of the dogs, running errands, laundry, food, sleep, etc etc. Rinse, repeat.

I didn’t know why things had slowed down so much but I think I see it now.

With all that being said, I want to encourage anyone who is struggling with their own path. If you feel stuck, stop and take a look at what’s missing. Don’t give up on the things that help even if you have some bumps in the road. Take a season off if you have to but do it for the right reasons. I used to pray for the time for when He wanted me to write and things are just now slowing down. I guess we’ll see how it all goes from here.

Covering up many struggles

When we focus on one struggle are we covering up the real one?

Are we able to see it?

Is it the one causing us so much grief internally, subconsciously, yet we can’t see it?

How often do we focus on the wrong struggle and not realize the underlying root?

It’s easy to do, especially when pain is involved.

It’s easy to not trust the Lord and in our hearts not believe He has good in store for us. It’s easy to believe we are so terrible we must deserve all of our anguish and afflictions.

Of course this is something that every other Christian would look down upon. We’re supposed to know better, aren’t we? We’re supposed to never struggle and our lives are supposed to be so easy, right? Where in the Bible does it say that? Persecution is around every corner, whether from the devil or man. Struggles are real, evident, and we’re told of them throughout the entire Bible, if you really do read it.

I’ve struggled most of my life, though I wasn’t always aware of it until more recently. I’ve been in pain since birth, though I had no understanding. I’ve been wounded and in anguish, though I’ve had no words to explain it. I’ve been bruised my whole life, though it hid subconsciously. It still hides from me though I can feel it deep down, somewhere, without words to express it. This thing or darkness inside that I have had no knowledge of. This overwhelming pain that has plagued me, though I never understood.

Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
And I will be found of you, saith the LORD: and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the LORD; and I will bring you again into the place whence I caused you to be carried away captive.

As Christians (or not) we have all doubted God. We have all gone through times of not trusting in Him. I don’t think there has ever been a human alive that hasn’t questioned their future in the eyes of God or His plan for their life.

Do you believe the scripture above?

Do you REALLY believe it?

Do you believe it in your heart?

I admit I struggle with it. I often look to those verses for encouragement for myself.
When personal pain outweighs the understanding we have of His love toward us the simple solution or answer is that we don’t understand His love. It’s difficult to grasp and everyone has struggled with it. I admit I struggle. I admit I do not understand Christ’s love for me. I admit I do not understand all the things I have gone through, some of which I am not even aware of yet.
Do I have hope that I will someday? I believe at times I do, if I stop and think about it. Or I at least try to.

When you’ve grown up with distrust being your closest friend it overpowers the longing you have for true companionship and real love. Love that only comes from the true Father.
I didn’t understand that until a few years ago.

Pain is real. Anguish is real. Anyone who has truly gone through either or both knows how difficult it can be.

I admit I have asked the Lord so many times to take me home. I can honestly say that’s the main thing I look forward to someday.
Does that make me sound suicidal? I don’t believe it does. Why?
Shouldn’t every Christian have a strong desire to be with the Lord? To want it so badly that they would forsake everyone else they have ever known or met just to be with Him?

I would forsake all just to be with Him for eternity.

But it’s not my time and I realize my desire is selfish.

I admit that one of the only things that keeps me going is that I know there is work to be done for His sake. I love Him enough to admit that I must forsake my desire so I can carry out what He needs me to do here.
Could He get someone else to do it? Yes, but He created me for something specific. He created all of us for something very specific and I care more about carrying out His plan and His goal than I do my own desires.

We are all created for a purpose. I know I love Him enough that I don’t want to disappoint Him. I don’t want to let Him down the way I have been let down. I want to show Him how much I love Him by standing firm in the path He sets before me. And if I can’t stand I will crawl. And if I can’t crawl I will wait for Him to pick me up and carry me through.

As far as pain and anguish, the goal is to let it go. The goal is to trust all of that pain to the Lord. To take it and say, “Lord, I have no idea what to do with this and it hurts so bad. Please take it because I can’t stand it. I can’t take it anymore, Lord.”

When there’s no possibility for any human to relieve your pain then it needs supernatural relief from the Lord.

My pain still haunts me, but it comes from deep wounds I was unaware of until last year. I do not know the extent of my wounds, nor do I know how many there are. But He knows and He’s already got a plan (I admit, it still scares me).

Wounds can be like trees. You can see the struggles that are more evident in branches and leaves, and although you may fight with them they will always come back. They will always regrow until you take out the root system of that tree.

The title of this post is “Covering up many struggles” and that’s what I have been doing. I have been so focused on one particular struggle I have had that I had been ignoring the underlying root. I was fighting a branch when I think the problem stems from deep, deep roots.
I see that now, though I admit I still don’t know where to go from here.

We can’t see the next step until we’re shown.
You can’t be shown until you seek.
You can’t also be shown until you stop and listen.
You can’t listen until you be still.

Seek. Be still and Listen.

On to the next step:
Sometimes, what you may find, is that the next step can be taken for you.
You just have to learn to trust and give it a shot. What is there to lose? It wont make your pain worse (maybe slightly more evident if you’ve been trying to bury it).

What if the pain can be stopped?
What if it can be removed?
What about it being replaced with something so much better?

You don’t have that capability in you. Only Christ does. Let Him work.

Grieve if you must, but let Him take control. You’ve had control long enough.

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. -Psalm 62:5

Broken Bones

Matthew 21:44 KJV  And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.

It can be difficult to understand this verse until the Lord has started to work on breaking you, removing unrighteous things in you and your life that work against His will. I for one never fully understood this verse until this year, more recently, as the Lord began to break areas of my life that needed healing. There are many pieces of us that are like broken bones that were not set correctly as they tried to heal. The Lord must break these “bones” in us in order to set them properly for true healing to begin.

I know I didn’t fully appreciate and understand this verse until I was going through that exact process.
We are broken as we fall onto Christ, removing all unrighteousness, to be made whole through Him. Yet those who choose not Christ will perish.

Christians and Miracles: Faith and Healing

I realize I have had what many would consider life changing events and experiences of God in my life. They have changed me in ways and affected me in good ways. I also realize, however, that I have areas in my life that need healing. Areas that have probably come up after the time that I became a Christian (around age 7 or 8). I do not believe that I had a lot of the same issues I might have today, especially being so young. Many of them came from experiences I had later in life or formed due to consequences to decisions I have made.
With that being said, I have often wondered why many non-believers seem to see more miracles happening in their lives than people who say they are Christians. It’s gotten to the point that many Christians don’t believe in miracles the way they can still happen today, the way Jesus Christ showed us. He tells us that we can do what He did, so why don’t more people who believe in Christ believe that?
Well the non-believers don’t seem to know about them. And the Christians? Most either think those kinds of gifts are dead, non-applicable to this day and age, or maybe they have issues in their faith. In the past I assumed most of it was the issue of a lack of faith (which it may be) but now I’m starting to understand it in a different light – because of how it applies to me.
Yes, God could touch me in a way that I am completely healed physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually… but that wouldn’t really make me trust in Him for the healing as much as having to depend on Him for it. I have to depend on God and really seek Him for this healing. It’s not a matter of lack of faith that He could do it, it’s a matter of having the faith that He WILL do it.
I’ve often questioned if the issue is my lack of faith that God could heal me in an instant. I do not believe this is the case, because I KNOW He could. Right now God needs me to be where I am at, constantly seeking Him and looking forward to what He will work in my life. This process (yes, it’s a process) needs to take time. God needs me to give Him the time to work this in my life because He can’t do it if I’m going to resist or just fall right back to my old ways and in this behaviors will have to be changed as well.
I don’t need to have some life-changing miracle in my life to heal, I just need God in my life to heal. I already accepted Christ as my Savior and I’ve already asked God to be in my life and to forgive me of my sins (continuously), so I don’t need to have some crazy miracle to heal me and my life; I just need God. HE is my miracle just as HE is the one that has already saved me, there are just a few pieces that need to be mended.
So maybe that’s the reason many Christians don’t see the full healing power of God in the form of a miracle. Miracles are used to show God’s power and we’re supposed to already know God’s power. Maybe it’s a lack of faith but not that He has the power but that He would use that power to heal us and because it’s not in the time frame we wish it was, we easily give up on it.

Don’t give up on God’s healing power. He’s in control of everything but you still have to let Him have control of your life in order to heal you. Ask Him to work in you in a new way, to heal whatever you need healed, and trust that He will. Ask that His hands will be unbound to work in your life (because we bind them through sin). Keep the faith that He will change you and remember, sometimes He has to break a heart in order to heal it again properly.

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. – Ezekiel 36:26

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. – Psalms 51:10

Faith and Healing

And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years, And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse, When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment. For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole. And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague. And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes? And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing. But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth. And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague. – Mark 5:25-34

That part of scripture came to mind today as I am reminded of how many issues we all seem to have. Though the woman had a blood issue that she sought after so many physicians for most of her life until she had nothing left. How many of us have issues that we constantly seek others for help? That we exhaust all of our resources until we are finally faced with having to give it up to God, though it is what we should have done in the first place? That we depend on the help of the words of man rather than the Words of God?
I know that I still have a lot of problems from my past, a lot of them probably affect my behaviors and the way that I think today. I am excited over the healing process I am going through, though it has been difficult and is not always a constant motion (or feels that way).
It seems through my healing process (which is for more than just one thing), that while I’m expecting that it will be one thing revealed that needs to be fixed or changed after another, that there is quite a bit of time in between. Though I might feel one arising that will need to be revealed over time, there are days or weeks between since I had the last thing come up. Maybe it’s an adjustment period to get used to that part that has been healed.

It is so easy to go through life working on one thing after another, or asking for forgiveness for so many things at once that we might still feel burdened by some of them. What I mean is that if you’re asking forgiveness for issues A-Z, somewhere along the lines issue G, B, and C might still be lingering in your head and you will feel you were never forgiven for them and will need to continue to repent.
When allowing Christ to work on deeper things within your being, to allow Him to come in and remove and repair, we need to realize that it will not be over night. It will take time, just like it took time for them to be developed in the first place. It does not mean we can say one quick little prayer and our lives (our behaviors) will suddenly be changed completely. We will still struggle until we allow Him to help us overcome them and to heal us. I am not saying that Christ cannot change our lives instantly, I’m saying that through our sinful nature it will take time to adjust and learn to stay away from the things that continue to harm us.
What needs to be realized is the need for healing. The need to ask Him to come and break us down and heal and rebuild us so we can be closer to Him and in the process more efficient for His needs.

I will be having another thing revealed to me over time in an area I need to work on. I do not know what it will be that will come up and at times there is a slight worry over what it will be. Some of my past has been kind of obvious that something needed to be fixed, but like always the unknown is what will frighten us.
For now I almost feel that there are things around me coming to light that need to be focused on in the meantime. Granted not all areas are things that I can directly work on myself and they will take patience and a lot of prayer, all the while holding on fast to faith.
Faith is something that is easily interrupted in my life and something that I hope to cling to more and more as I grow. It’s a struggle for me to cling to hope and faith that situations will improve and that what God wants out of me (or situations around me) will come true. I know that overall His Will will come to pass, but lately I have a difficult time clinging to the faith that His will for my life wont be interrupted to the point of them being destroyed or given to someone else.
I desperately long to be an effective worker for His purposes and my greatest fear is failing Him. Through many experiences in my life I have been left with the fear of abandonment and that extends even to my heavenly Father at times.

Through my own realizations and pain I was not willing to post this. I didn’t want to share this which lead me to believe that reasoning or feeling is all the more reason to post and share this. This verse comes to mind:
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. – James 5:16

I do realize that God loves me and that He has a purpose for me. It’s so easy to get caught up in everything that surrounds us that we will feel like we are drowning, which causes me to think of this:
And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
– Matthew 14:29-31
Through it all we must realize that all we need is to ask Christ to help us. That we need to keep our faith in Him and not doubt. We must keep going, moving, and growing. His love will get us through and we will be healed and able to push through to His future plans for our lives.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed. – Deuteronomy 31:8

There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, [so] I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. – Joshua 1:5

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7
Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he [it is] that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. – Deuteronomy 31:6

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. – Psalms 55:22

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. – Hebrews 4:16 

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. – Psalms 55:22

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. – Hebrews 4:16