Discouraged and Rejection (a letter)


I’m sorry for this morning – and for last night. I’ve been discouraged about everything and instead of bringing it all to You I’ve been trying to ignore it. I know it’s out of my control. I think I do that sometimes because I’m ashamed to admit it (again). I’m ashamed to admit it because I feel I should know better and have the faith that opposes it. I hate getting discouraged over and over and fear disapproval if I can’t seem to get my faith in the right areas.
I know this is foolish in thought. You are my God and my friend. You alone know my heart better than I do.
I am weak, Lord. I want to be someone You take joy in and I always fear disappointing You. I guess I mostly fear that You will get tired of my problems and complaining when they arise and that I will be rejected because of weaknesses. I know these fears stem from my relationship with my dad and every male relationship I have ever had. I know also they stem from others as well but that’s the first that comes to mind.
I’m afraid to show weakness which is why I try to be so strong…

But I am not strong.

I know that You are the only one that gives me strength and I need to depend on You.
I know that I will be healed of all wounds concerning rejection and trust (as well as all others) as long as I allow You to work in me and through me in all areas.

That control is difficult to give up, Lord.
You get so used to burying it because you don’t want to feel the pain it has caused you, but even then, the symptoms make their way through and effect you in ways you’re not always fully aware of. They end up causing more issues that you cannot place the root of the problem…
I guess just like a tree – roots are always buried.

I’m sorry I haven’t been coming to You more and I know that’s not good stewardship or even a good friendship on my part.
I ask You to forgive me.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that You are unlike anyone I have ever met in my lifetime.
You are loving and kind.
You are patient and gentle.
You are holy and pure.
You are righteous and my Salvation.
You alone are worthy and True.
You wont push me away, even if I try to push You away at times due to my own hurt.

Lord, I long for your embrace and comfort.

I’m tired of feeling so alone and rejected. I’m tired of being the kind of person, deep down, that pushes others away (I know it’s due to fears of rejection and pain).
I want to be loving to others the way You are.
I want to be righteous the way You are.
I want to be giving and full of faith towards all that You give me and do.
I want to have hope and faith that leaps and bounds over anything that arises.
I want to be there when You call me and say, “Here I am”
I want to not be afraid to say “send me.”
I want to stand on a mountain of faith with You.

Lord, I was healed of my fear of abandonment. I pray also to be healed of rejection and the fear of rejection. Please lead and guide my steps. Take my hand when I stumble and lift me back up. Lead me across each step. Let me not fall, O Lord my God and my King.

I know this goes back to rejection in the womb. You’ve pointed that out to me before.
I don’t know how deep it will all go but I pray You will be at my side the entire way.

I have to let You lead in all things in my life – I wouldn’t know where to start anyway.
You know what’s best for me and I give all things to You. I’ll try not to resist when You bring something up or bring something to my attention. Please let me know when it is You – You know how the enemy loves to try to poke those wounds.
I ask for protection from them for myself and Brandon; for my family and his and all those we love that are sent by You.
Guard and prepare our hearts, Lord.

I love you. I don’t want to let You down or disappoint You.
Thank You for loving me beyond my understanding.
Thank You for forgiving me, for Your patience, and understanding.



Writing it out

I’ve felt nudged on and off to start writing again over the last few months. I stopped for awhile after going through a difficult time with some things I learned about my past that I was unaware of. I used to use writing as a way to express and vent my life’s situations and it did always seem to help.

The Lord has used writing as a means to help on a path of healing for me as well. The more I wrote the more came to mind and the more I felt better getting things off my chest.

It has not always been easy. The Lord had me write about my feelings of abandonment a few years ago. That was a hard topic to get out along with all the pent up emotions and hurt I’ve felt because of it; but what He showed me will always stick with me. He showed me that despite all the tears and pain I was going through He never left me. I could still feel His presence as my hands flew over the keyboard of my computer in a rage that the topic even had come up. I know there were plenty of ‘how dare you’s in there directed at Him because of bringing up that topic up… But He never left me. Through it I knew, in my heart, that He wouldn’t leave me. Even if I don’t always feel Him there He’s still there.

You always hear it from Christians and He said the same in the Bible; but it’s different truly experiencing that than just hearing it most of your life from people regurgitating the same thing over and over with that glossy look in their eyes that tells you they don’t understand what you’re going through.

With what I learned about my past I struggled greatly with writing. Fear came into play and I know the devil has had a field day with discouraging me from writing anything again.

After a while I didn’t know if the Lord even wanted me to write anymore. I felt for a season to wait. Things around here got busy and I would pray for the time to if that’s what He wanted but it didn’t slow down. I’m sure that was part of the plan. You can’t always spend every moment focusing on one thing because there’s a lot that still needs to be done…everywhere.

After awhile I would end up asking the Lord over and over if He wanted me to write and always felt He did but then I could never find a topic. I never had the words and finally told Him that He’d have to lead on that. This is all for Him anyway, to use as He sees fit (even if it’s somehow through my ramblings).

I realized today that the healing I was going through has slowed down and I know that’s because I haven’t been getting anything out. I’ve been stuck in the daily life routine of getting up, taking care of the rabbits, taking care of the dogs, running errands, laundry, food, sleep, etc etc. Rinse, repeat.

I didn’t know why things had slowed down so much but I think I see it now.

With all that being said, I want to encourage anyone who is struggling with their own path. If you feel stuck, stop and take a look at what’s missing. Don’t give up on the things that help even if you have some bumps in the road. Take a season off if you have to but do it for the right reasons. I used to pray for the time for when He wanted me to write and things are just now slowing down. I guess we’ll see how it all goes from here.

Covering up many struggles

When we focus on one struggle are we covering up the real one?

Are we able to see it?

Is it the one causing us so much grief internally, subconsciously, yet we can’t see it?

How often do we focus on the wrong struggle and not realize the underlying root?

It’s easy to do, especially when pain is involved.

It’s easy to not trust the Lord and in our hearts not believe He has good in store for us. It’s easy to believe we are so terrible we must deserve all of our anguish and afflictions.

Of course this is something that every other Christian would look down upon. We’re supposed to know better, aren’t we? We’re supposed to never struggle and our lives are supposed to be so easy, right? Where in the Bible does it say that? Persecution is around every corner, whether from the devil or man. Struggles are real, evident, and we’re told of them throughout the entire Bible, if you really do read it.

I’ve struggled most of my life, though I wasn’t always aware of it until more recently. I’ve been in pain since birth, though I had no understanding. I’ve been wounded and in anguish, though I’ve had no words to explain it. I’ve been bruised my whole life, though it hid subconsciously. It still hides from me though I can feel it deep down, somewhere, without words to express it. This thing or darkness inside that I have had no knowledge of. This overwhelming pain that has plagued me, though I never understood.

Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
And I will be found of you, saith the LORD: and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the LORD; and I will bring you again into the place whence I caused you to be carried away captive.

As Christians (or not) we have all doubted God. We have all gone through times of not trusting in Him. I don’t think there has ever been a human alive that hasn’t questioned their future in the eyes of God or His plan for their life.

Do you believe the scripture above?

Do you REALLY believe it?

Do you believe it in your heart?

I admit I struggle with it. I often look to those verses for encouragement for myself.
When personal pain outweighs the understanding we have of His love toward us the simple solution or answer is that we don’t understand His love. It’s difficult to grasp and everyone has struggled with it. I admit I struggle. I admit I do not understand Christ’s love for me. I admit I do not understand all the things I have gone through, some of which I am not even aware of yet.
Do I have hope that I will someday? I believe at times I do, if I stop and think about it. Or I at least try to.

When you’ve grown up with distrust being your closest friend it overpowers the longing you have for true companionship and real love. Love that only comes from the true Father.
I didn’t understand that until a few years ago.

Pain is real. Anguish is real. Anyone who has truly gone through either or both knows how difficult it can be.

I admit I have asked the Lord so many times to take me home. I can honestly say that’s the main thing I look forward to someday.
Does that make me sound suicidal? I don’t believe it does. Why?
Shouldn’t every Christian have a strong desire to be with the Lord? To want it so badly that they would forsake everyone else they have ever known or met just to be with Him?

I would forsake all just to be with Him for eternity.

But it’s not my time and I realize my desire is selfish.

I admit that one of the only things that keeps me going is that I know there is work to be done for His sake. I love Him enough to admit that I must forsake my desire so I can carry out what He needs me to do here.
Could He get someone else to do it? Yes, but He created me for something specific. He created all of us for something very specific and I care more about carrying out His plan and His goal than I do my own desires.

We are all created for a purpose. I know I love Him enough that I don’t want to disappoint Him. I don’t want to let Him down the way I have been let down. I want to show Him how much I love Him by standing firm in the path He sets before me. And if I can’t stand I will crawl. And if I can’t crawl I will wait for Him to pick me up and carry me through.

As far as pain and anguish, the goal is to let it go. The goal is to trust all of that pain to the Lord. To take it and say, “Lord, I have no idea what to do with this and it hurts so bad. Please take it because I can’t stand it. I can’t take it anymore, Lord.”

When there’s no possibility for any human to relieve your pain then it needs supernatural relief from the Lord.

My pain still haunts me, but it comes from deep wounds I was unaware of until last year. I do not know the extent of my wounds, nor do I know how many there are. But He knows and He’s already got a plan (I admit, it still scares me).

Wounds can be like trees. You can see the struggles that are more evident in branches and leaves, and although you may fight with them they will always come back. They will always regrow until you take out the root system of that tree.

The title of this post is “Covering up many struggles” and that’s what I have been doing. I have been so focused on one particular struggle I have had that I had been ignoring the underlying root. I was fighting a branch when I think the problem stems from deep, deep roots.
I see that now, though I admit I still don’t know where to go from here.

We can’t see the next step until we’re shown.
You can’t be shown until you seek.
You can’t also be shown until you stop and listen.
You can’t listen until you be still.

Seek. Be still and Listen.

On to the next step:
Sometimes, what you may find, is that the next step can be taken for you.
You just have to learn to trust and give it a shot. What is there to lose? It wont make your pain worse (maybe slightly more evident if you’ve been trying to bury it).

What if the pain can be stopped?
What if it can be removed?
What about it being replaced with something so much better?

You don’t have that capability in you. Only Christ does. Let Him work.

Grieve if you must, but let Him take control. You’ve had control long enough.

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. -Psalm 62:5


And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.
And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

Matthew 14:25-31

Sheep, Cattle and Cattle

For thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I,
even I, will both search my sheep, and
seek them out.
As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in
the day that he is among his sheep that
are scattered; so will I seek out my
sheep, and will deliver them out of all
places where they have been scattered
in the cloudy and dark day.
And I will bring them out from the
people, and gather them from the
countries, and will bring them to their
own land, and feed them upon the
mountains of Israel by the rivers, and in
all the inhabited places of the country.
I will feed them in a good pasture, and
upon the high mountains of Israel shall
their fold be: there shall they lie in a
good fold, and in a fat pasture shall they
feed upon the mountains of Israel.
I will feed my flock, and I will cause
them to lie down, saith the Lord GOD.
I will seek that which was lost, and bring
again that which was driven away, and
will bind up that which was broken, and
will strengthen that which was sick: but
I will destroy the fat and the strong; I will
feed them with judgment.
And as for you, O my flock, thus saith
the Lord GOD; Behold, I judge between
cattle and cattle, between the rams and
the he goats.
Seemeth it a small thing unto you to
have eaten up the good pasture, but ye
must tread down with your feet the
residue of your pastures? and to have
drunk of the deep waters, but ye must
foul the residue with your feet?
And as for my flock, they eat that which
ye have trodden with your feet; and they
drink that which ye have fouled with
your feet.
Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD unto
them; Behold, I, even I, will judge
between the fat cattle and between the
lean cattle.
Because ye have thrust with side and
with shoulder, and pushed all the
diseased with your horns, till ye have
scattered them abroad;
Therefore will I save my flock, and they
shall no more be a prey; and I will judge
between cattle and cattle.
And I will set up one shepherd over
them, and he shall feed them, even my
servant David; he shall feed them, and
he shall be their shepherd.
And I the LORD will be their God, and my
servant David a prince among them; I
the LORD have spoken it.
And I will make with them a covenant of
peace, and will cause the evil beasts to
cease out of the land: and they shall
dwell safely in the wilderness, and sleep
in the woods.
And I will make them and the places
round about my hill a blessing; and I will
cause the shower to come down in his
season; there shall be showers of
And the tree of the field shall yield her
fruit, and the earth shall yield her
increase, and they shall be safe in their
land, and shall know that I am the LORD,
when I have broken the bands of their
yoke, and delivered them out of the
hand of those that served themselves
of them.
And they shall no more be a prey to the
heathen, neither shall the beast of the
land devour them; but they shall dwell
safely, and none shall make them afraid.
And I will raise up for them a plant of
renown, and they shall be no more
consumed with hunger in the land,
neither bear the shame of the heathen
any more.
Thus shall they know that I the LORD
their God am with them, and that they,
even the house of Israel, are my people,
saith the Lord GOD.
And ye my flock, the flock of my
pasture, are men, and I am your God,
saith the Lord GOD.
Ezekiel 34:11-31

Today I saw a demon

I wrote a letter to the LORD this evening as I felt led to do, about part of my day and the experiences I had during and after an evening storm. I felt to share this on here so I typed it up. The [brackets] are to help further explain what I accidentally left out while physically writing to the LORD [I am tired and it is late] and this is directed to Him.

Today I saw a demon, manifested in the flesh.
My evening started out after taking a much needed nap, a longer one unlike the ones I usually try to have.
I had been hearing the thunder rolling in with the storm that came – an isolated storm. This storm, however, I was not afraid of unlike many of the others where I feel a fear of Your wrath. Not towards myself but a grumbling against the people of this world.
Nixon and I set out in my car for a ride and I also wanted to smoke some cigarettes, which I went out and purchased more. I thank You for the money on that as well.
It had just started to rain as we left and slowed as I got to the gas station, thank You for that as well. It picked up again very heavily as we left.
I felt Your Holy Spirit lead me around down certain streets, nearing the shopping mall. We went around this mall as it begin to also hail, small bits, smaller than a pea.
I felt led to park my car under some trees by a jewelry store, in the parking lot, as we waited out the worst of the storm. I parked first under one tree but felt You tell me to move under some others instead, up in front of me. I did so, accidentally hitting the curb as well and cursed, not out of anger but surprise. I asked You to forgive me of that but felt it was no real matter.
I played with my phone some, also responding to some texts from Tracy. I also took a picture of the rain with flooding in the streets.
Eventually it began to let up and I felt it was time to move, by Your Spirit again. I think I first went the wrong way turning out into the main road instead of back tracking back towards the mall. I felt to correct this by turning back in towards the mall and remember briefly turning into the parking lot of Joann’s only to exit again to the small roads around the mall.
I went to exit to the other main street whose crossing I had avoided by turning back to the mall. I know the flooding in the streets is quite terrible in heavy rain. [here I avoided the intersection of the main roads where the flooding is worse, as led by the Spirit]
I sat and waiting on traffic to go by and then exited. I noted in my mind the foolish people still zipping about despite the rain and heavy flooding. I exited and pulled up to the traffic light, some people being confusing while trying to avoid the flooded lanes, and the light changed causing me to sit through it which was okay.
I felt in my spirit that I was to quickly get past this part of town I was in but I am not sure why. It felt rushed, almost urgent, yet still fully knowing I was working my way out of the area as best I could. I felt I needed to get past 15th St most of all and away from that area on that street and south of it.
The feeling as though I needed to hurry left me as I got past this street and at first in my flesh I wondered if the flooding was about to get worse. Now I wonder more if it was a spiritual danger of something coming that You did not want me there, as it would be unsafe. Something dangerous. [the feeling was urgent but not causing panic of any sort, just that I needed to get out of there as quickly as I was able to while still being safe through the flooded roads.]

Back onto Park I noted all the people going at the broken stop light when it wasn’t their turn. I also noted how during the entire storm and after I felt no need or desire to pray for anyone – human or animal. I started to think of trying to pray for the people but instead prayed their cars would make it through the high waters, and not for them themselves.
The entire time during this storm I felt no fear and no worry. A couple of times I did pray my car would make it and be okay, and before taking shelter under the trees before parked I did pray out loud for mine and Nixon’s protection, which I already had. No thoughts of worry ever stayed with me and I had confidence we were safe despite the storm.

Then I felt led to skip turning into my neighborhood and felt to drive to the grocery store parking lot, which I did but almost missed a turn in for it. I parked and looked at the clouds breaking forth sunlight in the distance as the isolated storm moved past. It was a beautiful sight and  I thought of enjoying such sights someday when away from the city, though I was not grieved by my usual impatience of still being here for now. By now during this time I had a headache that was lingering, faint and achy even down my neck. I first tried to cast out anything that might have been causing it and later as we talked I realized it was from my pillow and how I had been sleeping. I prayed you would ease the pain and I felt it get slightly better each time I asked You for help with it, though I do believe I probably whined about it too much.
I felt I had sat in the parking lot of the grocery store… or rather you told me this, and it was time to leave again. I first questioned this wondering if I could still enjoy the clouds and sunbeams which I took photos of, but already my headache was preventing me from fully appreciating it to begin with.

Nixon and I left and his head had gotten wet as during some parts of our trips he was determined to have his head out the window. We drove into the neighborhood down one of the busier streets and I pulled over shortly to let someone riding my tail go around us.
I felt you tell me to turn down Debon, though at first I felt [or saw] to circle around down my own street. I turned down Debon which curves around and ends at another crossing street, which to the left heads towards the creek and to the right heads back towards my house and street.While I was looking down the street to the left I saw some cars waiting to back out of their driveways in the front. I waited and noticed one seemed to wait to see if I was going to turn their way before they could pull out to the street and eventually they saw I wasn’t moving and went ahead. I thought of pretending I had been checking something as they drove by, assuming they probably wondered why I was just sitting there and not moving, but the thought of this didn’t really matter and  I didn’t care though normally I might from insecurity.
But really I was looking at something down the road in the direction they had come from. The creek runs through this way and I know there are paved walking paths near and close to it. I could see a glimpse of this area down the street past the houses. I saw someone come out either from a house or from father down the trail, I’m not really sure. They were smaller in size, maybe like the size of a young teenage girl, thin, and wore a red rain jacket which seemed too large for them. They also wore a bright neon yellow hood which did not match the jacket but looked as if it was attached to it. My first thought was “that’s creepy” without even wondering why [I thought that]. I then asked You which way to turn – back towards my house or towards the creek by this “person” that I found so creepy. I felt drawn to drive down where I saw them but wasn’t sure if I felt drawn by the demonic [or by Your Spirit, as things felt very ‘off’ and it was hard to discern]. Something did not feel right but I was feeling led to drive in their direction and not the way headed home. I waited for one more car to pull out of another driveway, a white jeep, but they went the direction I was about to go so I went ahead and turned. I drove down the street nearing the creek and walking trail there and saw farther down on the paths where it opened up, a man with his two younger children. Each had an umbrella with large alternating striped colors. I believe one was pink and white, one blue and white, and I don’t remember the other belonging to the dad. He was with daughter and son and I knew they were out exploring after the rain and checking out the flowing [over flooded] creek.
As I neared the “person” in the red rain jacket, who was on a paved pathway closer to the street and the children and father being father down closer to the creek, Nixon started to bark at them as we were driving by, which I knew he would. He often barks at people and dogs we pass by [and I was holding his collar to try and keep him from fully barking out the window].
Earlier I had seen the one wearing the red jacket adjusting their hood before [I turned down this way] but I never once saw their face. I never saw anything but the red jacket, neon yellow hood, and thin legs sticking out beneath as they walked. I never even noticed their shoes [or hands as the jacket looked way too big on them and looked like an adult jacket on a young teen or child,] and it was as though looking at them was difficult.
I did not recognize this “thing” as even being human with possible possession or demonic attachment. Never once could I think it was human though I considered trying. I don’t believe Your Spirit would let me make such an assumption in the flesh. It was a flesh manifestation of the demonic – even if resembling a human. I know this and your and my spirit are witness to this.

After driving by never fully looking at this demon, [I remember] they never turned and looked at us either while I know Nixon could be heard barking out the window. I drove around and came across the same white Jeep that had backed out of their driveway and been in front of me while I drove by the creek. I found it odd the direction they took which led them in a more round about way and I saw them at the stop sign on my way off this street. I can’t help but wonder if it was You or one of Your angels in that white Jeep that went ahead of me as we drove past that demon, even going a round about way so as almost to make sure I got away from that walking trail in a timely manner and safely, before turning and continuing down the road.

I then drove down my own street and around the creek area like I had felt You showed me to do earlier before heading home. We stopped and even turned around and I took a few pictures where the waters had flooded over the walking trail. I was now south of where I had seen the demon and they were headed north.

I still can’t help but wonder why I was led around this evening to see that. Or why I was rushed to move quickly away from 15th Street and the south of that area. It did seem the timing for everything let up to me seeing this “thing” out walking even while never getting a very good look at it – But I don’t think that was the point.

Also what comes to mind is my relief when driving past the small farm in the middle of the city and seeing the llamas were okay [after the storm]. I even saw one tearing leaves off a branch as if nothing happened during the storm and they were just moving on and doing what llamas do.

Egypt and Babylon

Thus saith the Lord GOD; I will also
make the multitude of Egypt to cease by
the hand of Nebuchadrezzar king of
He and his people with him, the terrible
of the nations, shall be brought to
destroy the land: and they shall draw
their swords against Egypt, and fill the
land with the slain.
And I will make the rivers dry, and sell
the land into the hand of the wicked:
and I will make the land waste, and all
that is therein, by the hand of strangers:
I the LORD have spoken it.
Thus saith the Lord GOD; I will also
destroy the idols, and I will cause their
images to cease out of Noph; and there
shall be no more a prince of the land of
Egypt: and I will put a fear in the land of
And I will make Pathros desolate, and
will set fire in Zoan, and will execute
judgments in No.
And I will pour my fury upon Sin, the
strength of Egypt; and I will cut off the
multitude of No.
And I will set fire in Egypt: Sin shall have
great pain, and No shall be rent asunder,
and Noph shall have distresses daily.
The young men of Aven and of Pibeseth
shall fall by the sword: and these cities
shall go into captivity.
At Tehaphnehes also the day shall be
darkened, when I shall break there the
yokes of Egypt: and the pomp of her
strength shall cease in her: as for her, a
cloud shall cover her, and her daughters
shall go into captivity. 
Thus will I execute judgments in Egypt:
and they shall know that I am the LORD.
And it came to pass in the eleventh year,
in the first month, in the seventh day of
the month, that the word of the LORD
came unto me, saying,
Son of man, I have broken the arm of
Pharaoh king of Egypt; and, lo, it shall
not be bound up to be healed, to put a
roller to bind it, to make it strong to hold
the sword.
Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD;
Behold, I am against Pharaoh king of
Egypt, and will break his arms, the
strong, and that which was broken; and I
will cause the sword to fall out of his
And I will scatter the Egyptians among
the nations, and will disperse them
through the countries.
And I will strengthen the arms of the
king of Babylon, and put my sword in his
hand: but I will break Pharaoh’s arms,
and he shall groan before him with the
groanings of a deadly wounded man.
But I will strengthen the arms of the
king of Babylon, and the arms of
Pharaoh shall fall down; and they shall
know that I am the LORD, when I shall
put my sword into the hand of the king
of Babylon, and he shall stretch it out
upon the land of Egypt.
And I will scatter the Egyptians among
the nations, and disperse them among
the countries; and they shall know that I
am the LORD.
Ezekiel 30:10-26

The Prophets That Prophesy

The prophet that hath a dream, let him
tell a dream; and he that hath my word,
let him speak my word faithfully. What
is the chaff to the wheat? saith the
Is not my word like as a fire? saith the
LORD; and like a hammer that breaketh
the rock in pieces?
Therefore, behold, I am against the
prophets, saith the LORD, that steal my
words every one from his neighbour.
Behold, I am against the prophets, saith
the LORD, that use their tongues, and
say, He saith.
Behold, I am against them that
prophesy false dreams, saith the LORD,
and do tell them, and cause my people
to err by their lies, and by their lightness;
yet I sent them not, nor commanded
them: therefore they shall not profit this
people at all, saith the LORD.
And when this people, or the prophet, or
a priest, shall ask thee, saying, What is
the burden of the LORD? thou shalt then
say unto them, What burden? I will even
forsake you, saith the LORD.
And as for the prophet, and the priest,
and the people, that shall say, The
burden of the LORD, I will even punish
that man and his house.
Thus shall ye say every one to his
neighbour, and every one to his brother,
What hath the LORD answered? and,
What hath the LORD spoken?
And the burden of the LORD shall ye
mention no more: for every man’s word
shall be his burden; for ye have
perverted the words of the living God, of
the LORD of hosts our God.
Thus shalt thou say to the prophet,
What hath the LORD answered thee?
and, What hath the LORD spoken?
But since ye say, The burden of the
LORD; therefore thus saith the LORD;
Because ye say this word, The burden
of the LORD, and I have sent unto you,
saying, Ye shall not say, The burden of
the LORD;
Therefore, behold, I, even I, will utterly
forget you, and I will forsake you, and
the city that I gave you and your fathers,
and cast you out of my presence:
And I will bring an everlasting reproach
upon you, and a perpetual shame, which
shall not be forgotten.
Jeremiah  23:28-40

Idols of the Heart

Son of man, these men have set up
their idols in their heart, and put the
stumblingblock of their iniquity before
their face: should I be enquired of at all
by them? Therefore speak unto them,
and say unto them, Thus saith the Lord
GOD; Every man of the house of Israel
that setteth up his idols in his heart, and
putteth the stumblingblock of his
iniquity before his face, and cometh to
the prophet; I the LORD will answer him
that cometh according to the multitude
of his idols; That I may take the house
of Israel in their own heart, because
they are all estranged from me through
their idols. Therefore say unto the
house of Israel, Thus saith the Lord
GOD; Repent, and turn yourselves from
your idols; and turn away your faces
from all your abominations. For every
one of the house of Israel, or of the
stranger that sojourneth in Israel, which
separateth himself from me, and
setteth up his idols in his heart, and
putteth the stumblingblock of his
iniquity before his face, and cometh to a
prophet to enquire of him concerning
me; I the LORD will answer him by
myself: And I will set my face against
that man, and will make him a sign and
a proverb, and I will cut him off from the
midst of my people; and ye shall know
that I am the LORD.

Ezekiel 14:3-8

When God called me up to Heaven

One night, maybe a year or two ago (I’m not sure on the timing, it was quite a while back) I laid in my bed talking to the Lord, as I often do before trying to drift off to sleep. I remember I had recently been complaining to Him and venting all that was on my heart – all that I saw wrong with this world; all the corruption and lack of faith. I did the same thing that I still do from time to time when overwhelmed. I told Him I wanted to “come home.” I have a strong desire to be closer to Him and every day it grows. I find myself at times so frustrated and exasperated that I just want to leave it behind so I can finally be with Him. He’s all I want, or so I thought at the time.
On this night as I started to talk to Him I looked up and saw the stars and the heavens. I saw so many beautiful colors mixed throughout the stars. All I can compare it to in this earth are some of the photos that have been taken of space. I also saw the heavens open, One seated though I could not see a throne, and I saw a multitude of others surrounding Him. He was looking down to me, they all were, and He asked me if I wanted to come up there.

I was afraid. I looked down to see my dog, Nixon, curled up beside me on the bed. I have a lot of emotional attachment to him and I believe he was left to me from the Lord. I looked at Nixon and thought of how much I would miss him. I then also thought and told the Lord, “No, there’s too much work to be done.”
I regretted this for a very long time. I felt so much guilt because I recognized that I looked towards Nixon and thought of how I would miss him. I thought “who would take care of him?” and then after this I remembered the work the Lord still has for me to do here. I put my dog, my emotional attachment, before His work.
I regretted this for a very long time, though I know He is forgiving and He alone understands where I have been at and what I have been through in my life. Of course, me being me, I would not accept these things as an excuse.

I didn’t realize until sometime after this, days or months maybe, that I had mistaken what He meant. I had thought He meant to take me from this world given the fact that I had recently been venting my frustrations and telling Him I wished to “come home” to be with Him. For a long while I felt as though I had missed my chance all because of my lack of understanding and because I put my dog first. I was eventually told “not to worry about it” and most all attempts of encouragement from others concerning this never seemed to ease my mind.

It took me a while to fully understand and BELIEVE that I will be given more chances in this area and I hope and pray I will not have fear because of my lack of understanding of these matters. They are all very new to me; areas I could not fathom before this new and very real walk with Christ. Never would I have thought or expected such things in my old way of thinking.
My God is not a God of only one chance, He is a God of multiple chances and He will always offer us more as we continue to seek Him.
So I have been encouraged in this area quite a bit recently. The Lord has also placed me on the path of healing, along side with a new and loving friend who also stands beside me, and I her. We are both on a journey together and together with the Lord as He helps us sort out our pasts and heals us of our wounds.

I am so ever thankful for the LORD in this and I am so thankful she has been placed in my life. I have also repented of what happened in the past and putting my dog before Him (even if I misunderstood, it still happened). I’ve had a lot of peace about it more recently and a lot of hope. I no longer put my dog first but the LORD and even while I know there is still work for me to do here…

He is truly all I want.

And I looked forward to more chances.