Discouraged and Rejection (a letter)


I’m sorry for this morning – and for last night. I’ve been discouraged about everything and instead of bringing it all to You I’ve been trying to ignore it. I know it’s out of my control. I think I do that sometimes because I’m ashamed to admit it (again). I’m ashamed to admit it because I feel I should know better and have the faith that opposes it. I hate getting discouraged over and over and fear disapproval if I can’t seem to get my faith in the right areas.
I know this is foolish in thought. You are my God and my friend. You alone know my heart better than I do.
I am weak, Lord. I want to be someone You take joy in and I always fear disappointing You. I guess I mostly fear that You will get tired of my problems and complaining when they arise and that I will be rejected because of weaknesses. I know these fears stem from my relationship with my dad and every male relationship I have ever had. I know also they stem from others as well but that’s the first that comes to mind.
I’m afraid to show weakness which is why I try to be so strong…

But I am not strong.

I know that You are the only one that gives me strength and I need to depend on You.
I know that I will be healed of all wounds concerning rejection and trust (as well as all others) as long as I allow You to work in me and through me in all areas.

That control is difficult to give up, Lord.
You get so used to burying it because you don’t want to feel the pain it has caused you, but even then, the symptoms make their way through and effect you in ways you’re not always fully aware of. They end up causing more issues that you cannot place the root of the problem…
I guess just like a tree – roots are always buried.

I’m sorry I haven’t been coming to You more and I know that’s not good stewardship or even a good friendship on my part.
I ask You to forgive me.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that You are unlike anyone I have ever met in my lifetime.
You are loving and kind.
You are patient and gentle.
You are holy and pure.
You are righteous and my Salvation.
You alone are worthy and True.
You wont push me away, even if I try to push You away at times due to my own hurt.

Lord, I long for your embrace and comfort.

I’m tired of feeling so alone and rejected. I’m tired of being the kind of person, deep down, that pushes others away (I know it’s due to fears of rejection and pain).
I want to be loving to others the way You are.
I want to be righteous the way You are.
I want to be giving and full of faith towards all that You give me and do.
I want to have hope and faith that leaps and bounds over anything that arises.
I want to be there when You call me and say, “Here I am”
I want to not be afraid to say “send me.”
I want to stand on a mountain of faith with You.

Lord, I was healed of my fear of abandonment. I pray also to be healed of rejection and the fear of rejection. Please lead and guide my steps. Take my hand when I stumble and lift me back up. Lead me across each step. Let me not fall, O Lord my God and my King.

I know this goes back to rejection in the womb. You’ve pointed that out to me before.
I don’t know how deep it will all go but I pray You will be at my side the entire way.

I have to let You lead in all things in my life – I wouldn’t know where to start anyway.
You know what’s best for me and I give all things to You. I’ll try not to resist when You bring something up or bring something to my attention. Please let me know when it is You – You know how the enemy loves to try to poke those wounds.
I ask for protection from them for myself and Brandon; for my family and his and all those we love that are sent by You.
Guard and prepare our hearts, Lord.

I love you. I don’t want to let You down or disappoint You.
Thank You for loving me beyond my understanding.
Thank You for forgiving me, for Your patience, and understanding.



Today I saw a demon

I wrote a letter to the LORD this evening as I felt led to do, about part of my day and the experiences I had during and after an evening storm. I felt to share this on here so I typed it up. The [brackets] are to help further explain what I accidentally left out while physically writing to the LORD [I am tired and it is late] and this is directed to Him.

Today I saw a demon, manifested in the flesh.
My evening started out after taking a much needed nap, a longer one unlike the ones I usually try to have.
I had been hearing the thunder rolling in with the storm that came – an isolated storm. This storm, however, I was not afraid of unlike many of the others where I feel a fear of Your wrath. Not towards myself but a grumbling against the people of this world.
Nixon and I set out in my car for a ride and I also wanted to smoke some cigarettes, which I went out and purchased more. I thank You for the money on that as well.
It had just started to rain as we left and slowed as I got to the gas station, thank You for that as well. It picked up again very heavily as we left.
I felt Your Holy Spirit lead me around down certain streets, nearing the shopping mall. We went around this mall as it begin to also hail, small bits, smaller than a pea.
I felt led to park my car under some trees by a jewelry store, in the parking lot, as we waited out the worst of the storm. I parked first under one tree but felt You tell me to move under some others instead, up in front of me. I did so, accidentally hitting the curb as well and cursed, not out of anger but surprise. I asked You to forgive me of that but felt it was no real matter.
I played with my phone some, also responding to some texts from Tracy. I also took a picture of the rain with flooding in the streets.
Eventually it began to let up and I felt it was time to move, by Your Spirit again. I think I first went the wrong way turning out into the main road instead of back tracking back towards the mall. I felt to correct this by turning back in towards the mall and remember briefly turning into the parking lot of Joann’s only to exit again to the small roads around the mall.
I went to exit to the other main street whose crossing I had avoided by turning back to the mall. I know the flooding in the streets is quite terrible in heavy rain. [here I avoided the intersection of the main roads where the flooding is worse, as led by the Spirit]
I sat and waiting on traffic to go by and then exited. I noted in my mind the foolish people still zipping about despite the rain and heavy flooding. I exited and pulled up to the traffic light, some people being confusing while trying to avoid the flooded lanes, and the light changed causing me to sit through it which was okay.
I felt in my spirit that I was to quickly get past this part of town I was in but I am not sure why. It felt rushed, almost urgent, yet still fully knowing I was working my way out of the area as best I could. I felt I needed to get past 15th St most of all and away from that area on that street and south of it.
The feeling as though I needed to hurry left me as I got past this street and at first in my flesh I wondered if the flooding was about to get worse. Now I wonder more if it was a spiritual danger of something coming that You did not want me there, as it would be unsafe. Something dangerous. [the feeling was urgent but not causing panic of any sort, just that I needed to get out of there as quickly as I was able to while still being safe through the flooded roads.]

Back onto Park I noted all the people going at the broken stop light when it wasn’t their turn. I also noted how during the entire storm and after I felt no need or desire to pray for anyone – human or animal. I started to think of trying to pray for the people but instead prayed their cars would make it through the high waters, and not for them themselves.
The entire time during this storm I felt no fear and no worry. A couple of times I did pray my car would make it and be okay, and before taking shelter under the trees before parked I did pray out loud for mine and Nixon’s protection, which I already had. No thoughts of worry ever stayed with me and I had confidence we were safe despite the storm.

Then I felt led to skip turning into my neighborhood and felt to drive to the grocery store parking lot, which I did but almost missed a turn in for it. I parked and looked at the clouds breaking forth sunlight in the distance as the isolated storm moved past. It was a beautiful sight and  I thought of enjoying such sights someday when away from the city, though I was not grieved by my usual impatience of still being here for now. By now during this time I had a headache that was lingering, faint and achy even down my neck. I first tried to cast out anything that might have been causing it and later as we talked I realized it was from my pillow and how I had been sleeping. I prayed you would ease the pain and I felt it get slightly better each time I asked You for help with it, though I do believe I probably whined about it too much.
I felt I had sat in the parking lot of the grocery store… or rather you told me this, and it was time to leave again. I first questioned this wondering if I could still enjoy the clouds and sunbeams which I took photos of, but already my headache was preventing me from fully appreciating it to begin with.

Nixon and I left and his head had gotten wet as during some parts of our trips he was determined to have his head out the window. We drove into the neighborhood down one of the busier streets and I pulled over shortly to let someone riding my tail go around us.
I felt you tell me to turn down Debon, though at first I felt [or saw] to circle around down my own street. I turned down Debon which curves around and ends at another crossing street, which to the left heads towards the creek and to the right heads back towards my house and street.While I was looking down the street to the left I saw some cars waiting to back out of their driveways in the front. I waited and noticed one seemed to wait to see if I was going to turn their way before they could pull out to the street and eventually they saw I wasn’t moving and went ahead. I thought of pretending I had been checking something as they drove by, assuming they probably wondered why I was just sitting there and not moving, but the thought of this didn’t really matter and  I didn’t care though normally I might from insecurity.
But really I was looking at something down the road in the direction they had come from. The creek runs through this way and I know there are paved walking paths near and close to it. I could see a glimpse of this area down the street past the houses. I saw someone come out either from a house or from father down the trail, I’m not really sure. They were smaller in size, maybe like the size of a young teenage girl, thin, and wore a red rain jacket which seemed too large for them. They also wore a bright neon yellow hood which did not match the jacket but looked as if it was attached to it. My first thought was “that’s creepy” without even wondering why [I thought that]. I then asked You which way to turn – back towards my house or towards the creek by this “person” that I found so creepy. I felt drawn to drive down where I saw them but wasn’t sure if I felt drawn by the demonic [or by Your Spirit, as things felt very ‘off’ and it was hard to discern]. Something did not feel right but I was feeling led to drive in their direction and not the way headed home. I waited for one more car to pull out of another driveway, a white jeep, but they went the direction I was about to go so I went ahead and turned. I drove down the street nearing the creek and walking trail there and saw farther down on the paths where it opened up, a man with his two younger children. Each had an umbrella with large alternating striped colors. I believe one was pink and white, one blue and white, and I don’t remember the other belonging to the dad. He was with daughter and son and I knew they were out exploring after the rain and checking out the flowing [over flooded] creek.
As I neared the “person” in the red rain jacket, who was on a paved pathway closer to the street and the children and father being father down closer to the creek, Nixon started to bark at them as we were driving by, which I knew he would. He often barks at people and dogs we pass by [and I was holding his collar to try and keep him from fully barking out the window].
Earlier I had seen the one wearing the red jacket adjusting their hood before [I turned down this way] but I never once saw their face. I never saw anything but the red jacket, neon yellow hood, and thin legs sticking out beneath as they walked. I never even noticed their shoes [or hands as the jacket looked way too big on them and looked like an adult jacket on a young teen or child,] and it was as though looking at them was difficult.
I did not recognize this “thing” as even being human with possible possession or demonic attachment. Never once could I think it was human though I considered trying. I don’t believe Your Spirit would let me make such an assumption in the flesh. It was a flesh manifestation of the demonic – even if resembling a human. I know this and your and my spirit are witness to this.

After driving by never fully looking at this demon, [I remember] they never turned and looked at us either while I know Nixon could be heard barking out the window. I drove around and came across the same white Jeep that had backed out of their driveway and been in front of me while I drove by the creek. I found it odd the direction they took which led them in a more round about way and I saw them at the stop sign on my way off this street. I can’t help but wonder if it was You or one of Your angels in that white Jeep that went ahead of me as we drove past that demon, even going a round about way so as almost to make sure I got away from that walking trail in a timely manner and safely, before turning and continuing down the road.

I then drove down my own street and around the creek area like I had felt You showed me to do earlier before heading home. We stopped and even turned around and I took a few pictures where the waters had flooded over the walking trail. I was now south of where I had seen the demon and they were headed north.

I still can’t help but wonder why I was led around this evening to see that. Or why I was rushed to move quickly away from 15th Street and the south of that area. It did seem the timing for everything let up to me seeing this “thing” out walking even while never getting a very good look at it – But I don’t think that was the point.

Also what comes to mind is my relief when driving past the small farm in the middle of the city and seeing the llamas were okay [after the storm]. I even saw one tearing leaves off a branch as if nothing happened during the storm and they were just moving on and doing what llamas do.