False Guilt from the Devil

Often times as time goes on I tend to forget a lot of the things of the past. I’m sure most people could say this. Typically I have a very good memory for things done or said in general and can recall or recount conversations on who said what, in what order, and so on.

This does not seem to always be the case, however. I find that in painful situations I tend to block out a lot of what was said or done most likely as a coping mechanism of not knowing how to deal with the pain.
When someone mentions being offended or hurt in by others I am instantly worried that I am included in that group of offenders. Then the devil comes in to try and accuse me, causing mass amounts of guilt and anxiety.
I have started to learn to try and stop, reflect, remember, and pray about these situations. If I cannot remember anything I might have said or done that cause someone else grief then I probably haven’t.
When the Lord corrects you on something you do, it is not through feelings of fear and anxiety. If I have not been corrected by the Lord then I probably don’t need correction in that area I am fretting over.

In the past I used to get caught up in that trick quite often. I would have past friendships that had fallen apart through hurt and disdain only to later forget most of what was said and felt I had done something terribly wrong. I would even sometimes reach out to some of these people to apologize and come to find out they were just as heartless to me when I sought forgiveness as they were when we parted ways. That is not to say I have never done or said anything wrong or that I have never accidentally or intentionally hurt anyone, though I try never to do that.

Either way, the devil will try to trick you by giving you false guilt and shame for things you had nothing to do with or things you had not even done. If you ever doubt in these situations ask the Lord for help and He will help you. He is our help in a time of trouble.

Psalms 91:1-16 KJV
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.


Warfare Prayers in the Bible

I used to read Psalms and had such a hard time relating to them, usually when David was speaking against his enemies. I was stuck in the mind frame of natural, physical enemies when reading Psalms, until I came across part of a warfare book that opened my eyes. In part, it reads as this concerning the Psalms:
“David prayed against the enemy conspiracies of the wicked. The Psalms are filled with references to the plans of his enemies to overthrow him. His prayers were the key in destroying these plans and bringing him to deliverance. David prayed for his enemies to be scattered, confused, exposed, and destroyed.
David’s struggles were with natural enemies. Behind these natural enemies were spiritual ones that were opposed to the Davidic kingdom. Jesus was to come from this lien and sit upon this throne. David was fighting something beyond the natural. Through the Holy Spirit he was contending with the powers of darkness that were set against the arrival of the kingdom of God.” – Prayers that Rout Demons

I believe this was one way the Lord opened my eyes to how the Bible can be used in our prayer lives. I am one of those types that usually isn’t sure how or what I’m supposed to pray, especially when it comes to praying with authority. I do know that at times I don’t even have to say anything during that time with the Lord; He knows what is on my mind and heart (very thankful for that).
I have noticed a difference when using scripture for prayer, which I started out using the book listed above (it uses mostly scripture based prayers, with biblical references listed after each one). When I first got this book I had spirits trying to tell me it was compared to a “spell book.” Of course that was a lie.
I know the enemy hates for me to use either the prayer book or my Bible as prayers to the Lord. I do not use that prayer book as a substitute for my Bible, I use it to help me learn more during times of warfare. The Lord has lead me several times in reading certain things (out loud) and I have seen a lot of differences in situations and people around me. There are times that it is difficult to keep up with, however, and I have started leaning more towards reading my Bible aloud instead. But, for the times that I have no idea what to pray concerning the warfare around me it’s nice to have somewhere to start, listed by category.
I’ve actually thought about trying to compile my own list of warfare prayers. Maybe not right now, but eventually. I’ll have to see if that’s something the Lord would want me to do first.

A spirit of witchcraft

Recently I had watched a show with my parents. My family is usually pretty fond of the murder mystery types of shows, especially ones on BBC.
Something I noticed about one particular show is that if I watch it it is always stuck in my head later on, even if we happen to watch another show or two after. Thoughts of the episode, the characters, the general things happening… it’s all still there hours later and sometimes brought to mind again after several days.
The Lord revealed to me the spirit of witchcraft that is behind that show in particular, as well as many others that play on BBC. (I’m sure most TV is the same)
It makes a lot of sense to me, and I wasn’t that surprised, that a lot of forms of witchcraft would come from Britain, though I am aware all countries have their forms of witchcraft and sorcery too. I had already noticed that some shows that play on that channel usually have mention of someone that is “spiritual” or deal with occult/paganistic acts.
I am thankful the Lord showed this to me. I do try to avoid watching TV. Lately there has been a struggle with not always being sure what to do with my “spare time.” And I will be completely honest that at times I would like to just sit and do nothing or find some way to relax, which is not an easy thing for me to do.

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.
(2 Corinthians 6:14-18 KJV)

At times I feel I am alone in the venture of trying to avoid certain distractions from the world, when it comes to the people around me. I also start to feel as though I’m constantly isolating myself while trying to avoid the things of the world and also because of a lack of fellowship. I also realize I can’t force fellowship to happen and I need to keep praying for it and continue to try and fellowship more with the Lord.
We’ve all been struggling with something over here and I can see the spiritual warfare happening around myself and the people I love. I grow very tired of it. I grow very tired of the licenses others have given to demonic spirits to live in and around their lives.
I guess I’m struggling with hope and patience lately, and probably longsuffernig as well.
These are things I need to admit. I know I’m not guiltless of sins and distractions and these are not the ramblings of someone self-righteous… They’re the ramblings of someone who is been tired, on edge, and struggling.

I know it will get better. I know that my God is so much more powerful than anything I might ever go through. I know that these things are small matters compared to His power. I know that I am weak and hopeless without Him and these things shall pass.

Save me, O God, by thy name, and judge me by thy strength. Hear my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth. For strangers are risen up against me, and oppressors seek after my soul: they have not set God before them. Selah. Behold, God is mine helper: the Lord is with them that uphold my soul. He shall reward evil unto mine enemies: cut them off in thy truth. I will freely sacrifice unto thee: I will praise thy name, O LORD; for it is good. For he hath delivered me out of all trouble: and mine eye hath seen his desire upon mine enemies.
(Psalms 54:1b-7 KJV)

Binding and Loosening in Heavenly Places

Matthew 16:19 – And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Matthew 18:18 – Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

We are given the keys to the kingdom of heaven, just as Jesus said. The kingdom of heaven is the spiritual kingdom in which Christ reigns – it deals with our relationship with Christ and our spiritual lives, as we have received an inheritance with Christ. What we bind on earth or within ourselves (knowingly or unknowingly, aware or unaware) it is bound spiritually. The same that we loose on earth (physically, in our minds, emotionally, etc) it is loosed in the kingdom of heaven – the spiritual realm. So when we loose something it is loosed spiritually the same when we bind something it is bound spiritually.

God needs us to bind that which we do not need, the unrighteousness around us and in us, and to unbind his hands to work in us to lead us to perfection (completion and maturity in Christ).
This post came about when it was revealed to me what He meant when He talks about “heavenly places.” I always imagined He was speaking about Heaven, as in way up there in God’s kingdom, and did not make the connection that He was speaking about the kingdom down here, around us in His realm. See Matthew 11:12 for example, “And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force.” It took me a while to understand this verse and even after understanding it it was yet a while longer before I understood other verses pertaining to the same kingdom.

I still long to understand the mysteries of the heavenly places and this revelation (thank you, Lord. Sorry I’m so dim sometimes) has cleared up a lot of other questions as well as made His Word much more meaningful when speaking about the kingdom of heaven and being with Him there now (spiritually speaking), while we still have our earthly flesh.

Parts of the Wall of Apathy

As soon as the Lord starts telling me to start spending more time with Him I have the hardest time even focusing on him or his words. My mood and attitude towards most things becomes apathetic and lifeless. Try imagining all emotion suddenly being muted in your life; that’s the best way I know how to describe it. Apathy and indifference are some of the hardest things for me to deal with. Not emotionally hard, seeing as how I feel apathetic and/or emotionless, but difficult to push through and move forward. Joy, peace, excitement, conflict, remorse, etc.. I am having difficultly feeling any of those currently and have for a little while.
The concerns come to mind when I do something that I know I shouldn’t, let’s say having a cigarette. The entire time I might be having one (I quit last August and even the thought of one triggers that habit very easily for me) I know I shouldn’t have it. I know that I might be causing myself to kind of “relapse” and it will be harder for me to not be tempted to buy them or want them. I know the physical effects of it on my health and while I might have one anyway, knowing all of these things, I do not feel remorse regarding it. I do ask for forgiveness for it, but what good is that without actually seeking repentance through remorse? It feels as though I might as well not ask for it to begin with if I don’t really mean it. I suppose the knowledge base is there, knowing that I shouldn’t do that and why, despite the feeling basis so that’s something.
At first I wondered if this situation might be results of another “something” from my past or about my habits, behavior, or outlook that needs to be changed. Something I have written before about God healing different parts of me. However, the longer time goes by while nothing is revealed concerning healing in my life the more I realize it’s just a form of warfare.

Not long ago I started feeling more of a need to spend more time praying and speaking with God. More time in my prayer closet, if you will. I used to speak to Him more continually but have kind of fallen out of that habit. Anyway, I started feeling the need and was even told He wanted me to spend more time with him than I have been. Of course looking at it now I see what is going on (the warfare) and although it’s frustrating, it’s something that I will have to continue to pray about and wait for this entrapment to be taken away. To be freed from the nets.
It’s something I need help pushing through, and let me tell you, apathy is not easy to push through with a lack of will power.

In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust;
let me never be ashamed:
deliver me in thy righteousness.
Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily:
be thou my strong rock,
for an house of defence to save me.
For thou art my rock and my fortress;
therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.
Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me:
for thou art my strength.
Into thine hand I commit my spirit:
thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.
Psalm 31:1-5

Casting out in His name/Faith and Fasting

And when he (Jesus Christ) came to his disciples, he saw a great multitude about them, and the scribes questioning with them.  (15)  And straightway all the people, when they beheld him, were greatly amazed, and running to him saluted him.  (16)  And he asked the scribes, What question ye with them?  (17)  And one of the multitude answered and said, Master, I have brought unto thee my son, which hath a dumb spirit;  (18)  And wheresoever he taketh him, he teareth him: and he foameth, and gnasheth with his teeth, and pineth away: and I spake to thy disciples that they should cast him out; and they could not.  (19)  He answereth him, and saith, O faithless generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him unto me.  (20)  And they brought him unto him: and when he saw him, straightway the spirit tare him; and he fell on the ground, and wallowed foaming.  (21)  And he asked his father, How long is it ago since this came unto him? And he said, Of a child.  (22)  And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.  (23)  Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.  (24)  And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.  (25)  When Jesus saw that the people came running together, he rebuked the foul spirit, saying unto him, Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him, and enter no more into him.  (26)  And the spirit cried, and rent him sore, and came out of him: and he was as one dead; insomuch that many said, He is dead.  (27)  But Jesus took him by the hand, and lifted him up; and he arose.  (28)  And when he was come into the house, his disciples asked him privately, Why could not we cast him out?  (29)  And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. – Mark 9:14-29

Often times that scripture will come to mind and I will consider what it says, typically the last two verses where the disciples ask Jesus why it was they could not cast out that demon and his response is, “This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting.
There are many people out there that are teaching that the Word of God, the Scriptures, are not enough to fight against the devil. That they are not enough to charge the enemies minions, his demons, to leave us or others alone. I myself often use Luke 10:19 when I am praying over my house, my family, and my friends.
To say that the Word of God is meaningless in fighting against Satan and his armies is to say that the Bible, the actual words of God, are useless. That even Christ would be useless and powerless. Even Christ used the scriptures against Satan:

Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil.  (2)  And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred.  (3)  And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.  (4)  But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. [Deuteronomy 8:3] (5)  Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple,  (6)  And saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone.  (7)  Jesus said unto him, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. [Deuteronomy 6:16] (8)  Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them;  (9)  And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.  (10)  Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve. [Deuteronomy 6:13-14] (11)  Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him. – Matthew 4:1-11

And did you notice that even Satan tried to use scripture against Jesus?
Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple,  (6)  And saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone. [Psalms 91:11-12]

So why do people believe that the scriptures do not work against Satan and his minions? I think that most believe that when they use the Words of God, the Bible, that they expect some dramatic exit to happen right before their eyes while using verses. I think that due to a lot of the stigmas that Hollywood has put out we often think that our spiritual life will end up being much more dramatic than it may seem, which often leads to disbelief and a lack of faith.
If you’re expecting something dramatic to happen you are more likely to have a loss in faith when what you expect doesn’t play out right in front of your face.
Many times in the Bible it says that demons were cast out and even people were healed “In that very same hour.” That does not exactly say “at that very moment” or “right when the words were said.” It says in that time frame, not always in an instance. Just because there are moments where you don’t instantly feel something has changed around you does not mean that nothing is happening. I’ve been victim to that far too many times. I pray over something and because I don’t feel that anything is happening then I don’t feel that God is answering my prayers, that my faith is too weak (which I prove to myself that it is by giving up), or that I’m not worthy of being helped. Do you see how having such expectations, based off of worldly views of what we think should happen, can affect our faith? I’m not saying that everyone out there will go through those experiences, but I think it’s important to note that there are some out there that will lose their faith because they expect something to happen and if they do not get instant results they give up.

And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. Mark 9:29
If Christ tells us that some demons, or I could even say most situations that we have genuine concern over, are not resolved but by fasting and prayer, what do you think that means? Does that mean we need to expect instant results and give up when we don’t see anything happening? Of course not! It means we need to have faith, to come to God through fasting and prayer, humbling ourselves before Him (James 4:10) (1 Peter 5:6) (2 Chronicles 34:27), bringing our prayers and supplications to Him (Philippians 4:6-7). He will hear our prayers and He will help us when we come to Him humbly seeking His help.

We typically understand prayer and speaking with God but what about fasting? How many of us today actually fast? How many think that it’s still important? How many Bible studies, churches, Christian leaders encourage it? I for one rarely heard anything about it growing up.

Tony Evans writes about fasting:
Jesus said that in His absence, fasting was to be a priority.
Matthew 9:15 for example, And Jesus said to them, “And Jesus said unto them, Can the children of the bridechamber mourn, as long as the bridegroom is with them? but the days will come, when the bridegroom shall be taken from them, and then shall they fast.”
That is, in Jesus’ absence fasting would be a way to make that connection with Him. Since you can’t go to Jesus right now and sit down with Him and have a verbal conversation face to face, God says there’s a special way you can make a spiritual link with Him when you need to, and He says “and they will fast.”
Fasting is a way to get through the gateway to God in the crises of life.
1.) In the bible, fasting occurred during the burdens of life that demanded a spiritual breakthrough; emotional burdens, relational burdens, circumstantial burdens, physical burdens, ministerial burdens, directional burdens or what have you.
Fasting is the deliberate abstinence of physical gratification to achieve a spiritual goal. It’s a denial of the flesh to gain a response from the Spirit.
It’s renouncing the natural to invoke the supernatural. It’s saying “no” to yourself in order to hear a “yes” from God.

When you eat, who do you eat for?
I can guarantee it’s for nobody but you. You do not eat with me in mind, and I don’t for you either. When I eat, I’m concerned for three people only; me, myself and I.
I become an obedient servant to myself. I even eat when I don’t need to eat.
But when you fast, God says that’s for Him because that’s when we get His attention. Food satisfies us, but fasting satisfies God.

(please note: I have not read all of Tony Evans views of the Bible or walking with God. I cannot say that I agree with all doctrine or opinions that may be listed in any of his writings, but I did think those made good points.)

Though I have a difficult time with the idea of fasting it is still something that I will need to work on with my relationship with Christ. In the last month or two I have had a couple of days of fasting (not consecutively, mind you) and I will admit that it was difficult for me. I have grown so accustomed to having food for not only comfort but for nourishment. But where is all of my spiritual nourishment coming from? Yes, I read my Bible and pray everyday, but am I really being spiritually filled just from that? I’m starting to find and realize, even while I write this, that during my physical days and weeks of repetitive mediocrity that I most likely am going through a spiritual state of the same. That I need to actually take the time to force myself to fully depend on the Lord and get back to that state of mind not only for my own faith’s sake, but for the sake of helping others.

I know I have gotten off on a tangent here, as I do quite often.. But I have realized some things through it.
I would like to say that I already knew and understood that during times of trials, temptations, or even harassment by the minions of Satan we need to stay in our faith and keep in mind that our prayers will not always be answered in the blink of an eye. (On another note, we need to keep in mind that sometimes we might have to have multiple people pray for us or with us on such things instead of trying to do it all solo.)
Another thing is that in order for our authority to be placed we have to be where we need to be in our faith. We can’t be wishy-washy asking for help and then assuming it doesn’t come if it’s not immediate, causing us to lose faith.

For those of us who are struggling out there in our faith, that might have things that we fear God will never answer despite how much we beg and plead, we might need to really consider giving things up that WE need in order for Him to know we’re serious. That we are truly going to depend on Him and we need to leave these situations in His hand knowing that if we truly are following Him, He will help us. He will help those who seek Him with an earnest heart.

But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. When thou art in tribulation, and all these things are come upon thee, even in the latter days, if thou turn to the LORD thy God, and shalt be obedient unto his voice; – Deuteronomy 4:29-30

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. – Matthew 6:33

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. – Mark 12:30

Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually. – 1 Chronicles 16:11

When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek. – Psalms 27:8

Obstacles on my Path

I’ve felt moved to write on and off lately but have had a very hard time doing so. I haven’t exactly had the words nor the idea of what I was going to write of. This last week has not been the best by any means and I’m still trying to figure out what issues have risen in the hopes that there may be some sort of resolve.

The Lord recently brought up a part of my past that I haven’t really ever had much issue talking about unlike other parts of me. These parts were from my youth and my so-called “goth days” that I experienced starting around the age of twelve and continuing throughout parts of High School. The phases I went through around the time of puberty and shortly there after were more dark than light, I would say, and I’m sure they have plagued a lot of my life in ways that I’ve somehow opened doors that needed to be closed. Maybe a lot of the spiritual warfare I am sensitive to is a cause of these open doors, I’m not exactly sure. Either way if they are truly there they need to be closed.

The friends I had acquired around the age of twelve, who were two years older than me and up, were either interested in Wicca, some were supposedly bi-sexual, one was a lesbian, and another volunteered at Planned Parenthood. Looking back I can see bits and pieces of where God has protected me and allowed me to maintain my innocence in a lot of areas. Even during the time (as I remember it well) that the oldest girl in the group, who had gotten pregnant from her 30-something-year-old foster or stepbrother (I can’t remember all of the details of their relationship), was talking to the others about getting an abortion. She was sixteen and constantly in trouble with her parents as it was. She got the abortion and I remember that she was never quite the same, though she didn’t really talk about it much.

I was pulled out of the school of where I had made these friends, who had introduced me into a world of darkness and I found myself completely curious about it. It was a world I had never seen before and, having no prior knowledge to the evils in the world, I was fascinated. Of course when at that age it’s easily viewed as a “lifestyle choice” than a slow introduction to the occult. I do believe there is where my fascination with the occult comes from today. That is not to say that I am looking into the occult by any means, I just like knowing about it and being prepared against it all, including the way it is now ingrained into our society with little to no notice from most Christians today. A lot of my interest in being knowledgeable about some aspects of it all (because I still would rather stay innocent to some aspects of it) is usually misinterpreted with me being TOO interested. It’s misunderstood as an unhealthy view and often can cause others to accuse me or assume I’m getting into things that I should not as if I’m unable to control myself and I will become too interested or fascinated only leading myself into trouble.
This verse comes to mind

But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness.
1 Timothy 6:11

That is not to say I am fully immersing myself into the beliefs of the occult but merely wanting to know what the darkness is in order to stay away from it and help steer those around me from such practices. You have to admit these practices and the symbols (which are still used to this day) are everywhere in our culture now.

Anyway, the Lord brought those times to mind and although I didn’t understand a lot of it back then, the true meaning behind the “lifestyle” (I don’t believe any of the girls did either. After all they were only a couple of years older), I still needed to repent for those times. I needed to ask Him to close any doors I may have unknowingly opened. Things I might have allowed to darken my heart or may have overlooked and thought of the evil in the world as “not that big of a deal.” It’s incredibly easy to disregard something as meaningless despite the true belief someone has put into it behind the scenes.
There is no excuse for evil. That is why the Devil himself will pay for all he has done and is still doing today.

I don’t quite know yet if my repentance has been sufficient. I don’t know if there might be something I have missed and I will have to pray about that and wait and see if there is something that comes up.

The last four or more days have been mentally and emotionally draining to me and although the sun is out, they have felt as though it’s surrounded in darkness. Of course I know that’s not true, I’m merely expressing the mental and emotional state and how it has seemed.

There are still many things that I need to work on in my life and many things that need to be removed, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I wont give up, despite at times feeling as though I’m ready to crawl under a rock and stop existing. I know there’s still work to be done and I’m nowhere near being close to fulfilling that. It will take time and a lot of patience, which I’ll admit I’ve been short on lately. I thank God that He’s so patient with us and doesn’t give up on us, even when we sometimes think we need to give up on everything else.

If you read this, please keep praying for me as I’m on this path of healing, this spiritual surgery, while He’s trying to mold me into who He needs me to be. This week has been difficult, though I should never expect it to be easy. It’s harder to see the fog when you’re in the midst of it. I have a feeling that there is more darkness from my past that will be brought up or that has not been properly dealt with. I’m learning that most of the things I have learned since a child (or the lack thereof since churches don’t teach you how to deal with such things these days), are not what they seem and most of them are having to be tossed out the window while I let the Lord teach me Himself.

Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
Matthew 7:13-14

Confusion House

I could easily dub my house as “The House of Confusion” due to most of the spiritual activity that is around and inside of it. I was thinking about that yesterday in regards to seeing how people here are effected, myself definitely included in that.
It has been becoming more and more apparent to me that there is something that resides in my bedroom closet. Every night before going to bed I open the door and look into it, much like a child afraid of their closet or monsters under the bed. More recently I started speaking out loud and telling whatever was in there to leave. Last night I did this and it seemed to help some when dealing with feeling as though something was leering at me constantly through the crack in the door (the door doesn’t close all the way due to foundation issues). This feeling started to go away only to quickly return again, within minutes. It gave me a visual (or I imagined it being as such) of one leaving and another coming in, much like in Matthew 12:43-45.

When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.
(Mat 12:43-45)
Granted that scripture is talking more about possession than a physical house, but I believe it can apply to both physical human bodies and physical places.

While being in this house it does take quite a lot for me to have realizations, assuming most of them are from God. I know that with all that goes on here it can really take me awhile to find my footing again and realize something.
I was watching some YouTube videos of a man who claims to be an ex-Satanist who was discussing occult symbolism and how people allow these things into their homes unknowingly, and the cause and effect of doing so. Now, I had gone through some of my things and gotten rid of some stones that I had bought at this hippie/new age store in town (I mostly liked the “ideas” behind them and their meanings, plus they were pretty). Those came to mind quite awhile back when all of this started and I got rid of them. (*side note: when I was looking at the variety of stones I had started a small collection of I remember vaguely thinking how I hated to get rid of them because they were so pretty. I even remember the thoughts coming into my head which reminded me of people or characters in shows/movies that see something beautify and suddenly are too mesmerized to realize the danger that is surrounding them. However after I got rid of the stones I remember thinking that I wish I could have kept one as I always had one in a world globe shaped locket, which was then empty. Months down the line I found another one of those stones that I had somehow missed, and not really thinking about it put it in that locket. I guess I need to get rid of that as well.)
The video had got me thinking and wondering what else I might have in my possession that I needed to get rid of. This wooden plate that I have as a part of a pyrography (decorative wood burning) project came to mind. I had started it years ago and was attempting to put a Celtic design of a man and woman, legs entwined with their hair as knots that covered the plate. I never finished it as the wood grain was too difficult to deal with (as it’s also a cheap wooden plate from a local craft store) and for some reason I’ve held onto it for all these years. Anytime I thought about getting rid of it the thought came to mind that maybe I would someday finish it, regardless to it looking like crap because of difficult wood grain.

Here's a photo of what it looks like. It's about 14" in diameter.

Here’s a photo of what it looks like. It’s about 14″ in diameter.


Here's the same photo with the contrast raised and the saturation lowered so you can see the design in graphite more clearly.

Here’s the same photo with the contrast raised and the saturation lowered so you can see the design in graphite more clearly.

I am thankful that this piece came to mind and I plan on getting rid of it as soon as I can. Brandon inquired for me and I believe that there is more in either my closet or the house that is the cause of what’s around (I’m not sure which was being spoken of.. maybe both?) and I guess I’ll have to do some digging.

I feel that my interest in learning about the occult and other “religions” out there, their symbols and meanings, is coming back but now is not the time to fully get into that. On top of that you never really know what websites/books are accurate, if at all. It’s hard to trust so many differing opinions out there. I guess maybe I’ll have to just pray about it and see where I’m lead when it comes to that kind of thing.
It’s not a topic that most people I know are interested in talking about. I’m curious more from having that kind of knowledge and not wanting to be blind as to what is put into society and slowly becoming accepted. Even my own parents are desensitized to what comes through the living room through their TVs. They’ve seen so much that even now if you try to bring something up, some sort of “theory” as to why something is always shown a certain way it’s blown off as it all just being for entertainment and nothing more. I find that incredibly discouraging and sad considering that I’ve always tried to look up to my parents as role models in a spiritual sense but it’s so easily to be fooled by these things and it’s even easier to do so when everyone you know is in the same boat. Heck, there are pastors that I know that are just as desensitized or blind to these things. It’s everywhere and everyone sees it but no one has any idea as to what they’re actually looking at.

Anyway, I’ve had a really rough couple of days and I would be surprised if they get better soon. Be praying I can get more of these things cleaned out of my life, I don’t like having objects that allow things to come in whenever they please, despite how often I try to kick them out. If anyone has any ideas on things that others might unknowingly have that they should get rid of, let me know. I’m not talking the typical Ouija boards (which no, I’ve never owned or even touched one and wouldn’t consider doing so), I’m talking objects people don’t usually think about that have some sort of connection with pagan gods/goddesses.

I’ll try to post more as I find things to get rid of or as I have updates in this area. Other experiences are very welcome.

No laughing matter

I’ve had clarity last night and today for the first time in quite a while. There’s been a lot going on lately, which is also one reason that I had stopped writing.. or maybe that was the cause and effect. I did stop writing for a while to be able to focus more on my reading, praying, and overall relationship with God. I stopped a lot of things to work on that. I’m slowly coming back around and this has been one of the first times I’ve actually wanted to write in a while.
I’ve written things in notebooks here and there to document experiences and times but I haven’t actually sat down with the full intention to write about those experiences.
Where to begin? I guess I could get out my note-book and look through where to start. I think I’ll start with the experience I had that made me think of writing to begin with. The woman laughing.
Written December 12th, 2014, 12:11, for the night before
I had fallen asleep on Brandon’s couch and awoke in the dark game room. I got up, changed clothes, and crawled in bed with Brandon and both of the dogs. As I was laying there trying to go back to sleep I heard a distinct sound of a woman laughing. It was a short, throaty laugh that could have easily been mistaken of a door creaking (IF any of their doors moved and creaked, which they didn’t). It was loud enough that it seemed to be coming from the hallway close to Brandon’s dad’s office. I know it wasn’t just in my head as Nixon’s head shot up when it happened, and knowing he’s not very sensitive to those kinds of things, I know that it happened in the physical realm if he heard it.
After that I wasn’t able to sleep well at all. The room became incredibly uncomfortable and felt all too close to the way my room at home feels quite often. You’re on edge as if something is going to pop out in front of you at any moment. Afraid to close your eyes you try to keep them open, avoiding looking at any shadowy places in the room (in case something there moves), and you just try to hold your eyes open long enough for you to become so tired you pass out and close them. But right as you get to that point you’re suddenly wide awake again and going through those motions for a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth time. You get the idea. You could also try imagining that someone’s holding a gun and you know they’re about to shoot and a ridiculously loud noise is about to happen any moment but you don’t know when.
Brandon didn’t hear it at all, he was out cold, and surprisingly Kimber didn’t hear it either. He’s usually more alert than that but maybe he was out cold too.
That wasn’t the first time I had heard a female laugh. I had heard another one a couple of weeks prior when I was at my house. It had woken me up and I thought that maybe I had mistaken what I had heard as being my dad in the kitchen getting ready for work. I went back to sleep to later being woken up to him actually in the kitchen, using the coffee grinder, and realized that what I had heard was NOT my dad. That laugh at the time sounded more like a giggle, however, and seemed more innocent than the second one. I guess in some regards I could explain the second one sounding more like something you’d hear from the Grudge or the Ring, that backwards kind of throaty sound but in a laugh.

Either way, I do not like being woken up to, or unable to go to sleep, because of some thing that is trying to set me off. When those moments of fear strike you it’s very hard to calm yourself down, collect your thoughts, pray with pure faith, and have it all leave you and be in peace. There are very few people who I know that can relate and understand what that’s like.
No, I do not want to hear any more of the “Well God watches of you and nothing will happen to you. You just have to have faith/maybe you’re not praying right and that’s why they’re not leaving” crap. If you’re saying things like that then you haven’t had similar experiences that cause you to have such a strong sense of fear that you almost feel as though you would rather not exist.
But then, that’s their goal now isn’t it? I’ve been battling with parts of the spiritual realm for quite a while now and it’s not very often that I feel myself or have much clarity. Some of it might be around because of me and some of it might be around because of others I live around, I’m not sure. Or maybe it’s a mixture of both. It’s hard to figure out what is the cause of it all, especially when it’s constantly blindsiding you.
Either way I need to remember to pray for the truth and I hope that I will be able to see things more clearly soon.
Keep praying for me and other around me, as we all go through these blind spots and I know there are things we need to push through.. it’s difficult to remember that at times though.

Hopefully I’ll get some more things written soon. I have a few other experiences I know I could write about, but only as I feel I should I suppose. I miss the days of feeling inspired to write.

Frantic thoughts in motion

This morning I awoke and started my day getting ready to head to Brandon’s house. I was driving down Central Expressway and praying as I went. I felt as though my mind was just all over the place, almost scrambling to make sense of anything. It was as if someone had fed a child espresso and Pixy Stix and put them in my brain in charge of the input/output of my thoughts.

I started praying about this and had wondered if my busy, “gotta hurry and go” frantic attitude before leaving was the cause of this, as it is a common thing on Saturday mornings for me. I rush around getting ready to go to Brandon’s, packing up whatever books I may take, Nixon’s dog food, making sure I have everything else I need, get some caffeine from my store, and usually have to put gas in my car. After all the rushing around I’m usually still stuck in that frantic, scrambling around mode.
I was praying at the time when I realized how I was feeling and couldn’t seem to calm myself down. I started to pray that if there were anything around me causing this (demonic in nature, as they like to effect my mood or thoughts at times) that the Lord would take it away from me. That they would have no spiritual, mental, or physical effect on me today so I could focus on reading my Bible and talking with Him. I am well aware that the way I begin my mornings can lead my mind to be this way, so I wasn’t willing to chalk it up to some sort of spiritual warfare or attack. I can get myself worked up just as much as anything else can, which is common with anyone.

As I was praying this I started to pass a large truck, two lanes over, which had an ad for whatever company they belonged to. It had a man and a woman standing close to each other and the words, “No one is near you” written in very large print above the couple. I did a slight double take in reading this and the immediate response in my head was, “Okay.” I didn’t bother to look at this truck again to try to figure out if that’s what it really said or just what I happened to see (I was exiting to take a different highway by this time anyway). I didn’t bother trying to find out what kind of company this truck was for either. I just took it as a sign of my prayers in wondering why I was feeling so frantic this morning, that I was causing it myself and nothing in the spiritual realm was effecting me, and moved on.